I spent the night at his place. It was one night and a short morning. He kissed me goodbye on my cheek. I stood there awkwardly frozen, looking deeply into his hazel blue eyes, before saying a quick, "OK then, gotta go." Jumping into the driver's seat of my truck, I left quickly and did not look back.
I'm no stranger to spending the night with him. In fact, he is the only man I spend the night with. He is the only man I spend multiple nights with. But this time? Night four? This was an invite to continue our rendezvous, to not say goodbye and part when we should. An invite I misunderstood. An invite by him to continue on with our time together and share his bed, at his home. An invite that I thought included a nice day at the river in nature relaxing before I left back to California.
Once I realized that he was asking me to spend the night with him at his place, in his bed, with him, I panicked. I grew silent. I apologized for misunderstanding, and after a very lengthy moment of me feeling out what to do, stay or run, and him offering to take me back to my truck, I say, "OK. I will stay. I am going to spend the night with you at your place."
Gasp, heart pounding, ears ringing, blood rising, is that stars I see? Don't black out, hold it together. Breathe. OK. Now look at him and smile.
"You going to be OK, Lady O? Are you sure?" he says to me softly.
"Yes. I am sure. I am going to spend the night at your place," I whisper back.
"OK, then," he says.
He is smiling. He is relaxing. I am internally freaking the fuck out! I think I am doing a good job at hiding it, but he is on to me. He drives me to every spot along the Rogue River that gets me a nice view and a place to dip my toes in. He knows I like nature. He knows it is soothing to me. He is kind, and soft with me.
We watch the river, I sink my bare feet into soft white river sand. I breath and reach my face up as close to the sun as I can get it. I walk on rocks, river pebbles and polished quartz, the hardness massaging my bare feet. I gather a few quartz crystals and I look up. He is there smiling as he throws a flat, smooth rock into the river. It skips four times across the surface of the water, making ripples and circles.
"I want to try!" I say, as I gather up some rocks and try to get my rocks to jump across the water like his. I am delighted and I feel like a little girl playing with stone and rock and sun. Playing with my friend. Safe. Peaceful. Happy. Hours and moments pass by.
He suggests dinner and we drive to Grants Pass to an Asian Fusion Place for potstickers, ramen, and fried rice. My three favorite comfort foods.
He is kind and soft with me. He watches everyone around me, making sure to sit where he can see everyone coming in and out. He will protect me from any harm and I will protect him too. I smile at him and reach my hand out to his back and run my fingers lightly down his spine. We sit close to each other and we are relaxed and peaceful.
We share food. We share conversation. We share smiles. We are good at sharing with each other. We drive back to his place, which is tucked away in the forest down a long remote dirt road.
My truck is there and I quickly gather up my things, my rocks, my keys, and head to my truck.
"You leaving?" he asks. I guess it does kinda look that way.
"Nope. Just getting into my truck for a few things," I mumble.
He went inside and I stayed outside there, fumbling around for a change of clothes. A long sleeved hoodie and black yoga pants will do. I change my clothes outside, standing at the open hatch, suitcase open, me staring into the bunched up clothes. I'll just get a snack and some water, and maybe I'll smoke a little bit of pot. Just to relax me. That's better?
"What the fuck am I doing?" I say out loud to myself.
"You are going to try to stay with this man. You will try your best not to run," I tell myself.
I know that if I run from him, I will not come back. "Don't run! Just go in." I do. I go in.
He is tidying up, I sit down at the table and practice staying.
"You look uncomfortable Lady O, let me set up a nice lounge area with comfy pillows so we can relax," I get up and stand nervously by the door. "OK," I say slowly.
"Don't run. Just stay," I tell myself. I move around him and make my way to his bedroom. I peek in. I sit on his bed. I count to three. I get up and stand over by the door again. Don't run. Just stay.
"There we go. Nice and comfy. Come here. You can lay down over here, and," I am shaking my head no. "I'm not going to go over there, I'll just stay over on the edge, which is closest to the door. I don't want to feel trapped," I explain with my eyes open wider than they should be. Deer in the headlights.
"Lady O. It's OK. You stay right there. You are safe. I'm not going to hurt you. Nothing is going to hurt you," his eyebrows are furrowed together.
"OK," I say with a whisper. He smiles at me. He is kind and soft with me.
He puts a movie on, and I smoke some more herb. I am sitting with my legs pulled up to my chest.
"You're acting a bit stiff," he says. I stiffen more but sit up straight now.
"Just give me a moment. I am just doing the best I can here, I never spend the night at a man's home. A man never spends the night at my home. I do not do this. Just give me a moment," I say, a bit fast and frantic, shit. Relax. Don't run. Stay.
"OK, OK. I'm just going to come sit here in front of you. Maybe you can rub my shoulder? It's very sore," he says and sits down. I nod yes, and he sits himself in front of me, touching my legs. I scoot in closer until my body is touching his back, him nestled to me. I start to stroke his arms, I rub his shoulders, his neck, his back. I relax. He lies on his stomach, I massage him more. He is awkwardly uncomfortable there on the lounging area he made for us, his arms hanging down to the floor.
"Your arms and hands are turning dark red, I think you should change positions," I say, concerned. "OK. I'm OK. Let me go to the corner here, and you come lay down next to me." I start to shift positions.
I look up at the TV. In the movie there is a beautiful young blonde woman who is about to get taken, tied and held against her will. I can see it before it even happens.
"Is this woman about to be taken?" I ask him.
"Uh, yes. And tied, and held captive, I'm sorry Lady O, I should have remembered," he says apologetically as he gets up and turns the movie off.
"Do you want to go lay down on your bed? I can massage you a bit?" I say gently. I get up and awkwardly fidget with my lips.
"Yah, that would be nice, hand me the pillows." He puts one on the far side, and two on the side which is closest to the open door and quick escape, a.k.a. my side of the bed.
I start to massage him, kneading his back, running my thumbs and fingers down his muscles with long deep strokes. Then he is looking at me, "Hmmm? Did I fall asleep?" We both know I had. He smiles at me. He moves over to his spot on the bed, and opens his arm, waiting for me to snuggle into his side, his arm closing around me loosely, but held with a firmness that's become incredibly comforting to me in the past months. I rest my head on his chest, trying not to put too much weight on his shoulder and arm. My arm is draped across his chest. My eyelids feel like river stones.
He is looking at his phone, scrolling through videos of cowboys with guitars on stage, crowds of people cheering.
"Go to sleep Lady O, it's OK," he whispers. I open my eyes and look at him. He is smiling at me, and is kind and soft with me. I smile back, my eyelids closing and me drifting into scenes from another world.
In this dream I am in the house again, I am looking out windows, trying to see as far as I can. The ocean is there in the distance. I want more thAn anything to be there at the ocean! There are people walking through the house, busy, focused on something. I don't care about the something that they do, I can only think of one thing, my body surrounded by cool thick heavy water, rocking back and forth as the waves lull my spinning head, and sooth my protected heart. The dream is fading.
I feel his lips pressed to mine. I open my eyes, he is looking at me with wide open pools of blue. He has my body molded and nestled into his, him holding me, caressing me, touching me. I close my eyes, I am dreaming still, and I allow myself to feel. I am open, and soft and unguarded. I am free.
It is 3 AM, or around there. Every 3 AM he is there awake, aroused, full of passion and fire and full with the energy of dark skies and twinkling stars.
I want him to kiss me more. He doesn't. He leaves me reaching, yearning for more of his breath with mine. He is no longer kind and soft with me, but full of hardness and man-ness and control. He has a goal, a desire, a fetish, to please me. Just him pleasing me, until I am screaming and shaking and crying, and laughing until I have lost all of me, until I am swimming in ecstatic madness.
"I need a minute! I need to breathe!" I am so high I can feel the energy in the air swirling around me, crashing into each other and swirling again.
"Are you done? Did you get enough?" he is smiling at me, his eyebrows raised. I shake my head back and forth. His smile falls off of his lips, his eyes catch fire. I am screaming and in full arched back delight, trying to grab onto something, the bed, the walls, the air, I want to writhe out of my body and explode with energy, vibration, spirit. Free.
I am laying there motionless, open, heart racing, blood pumping, is that stars I see? I am so high. I am pulsing still, 10 minutes pass, the pulsing is so strong now, I am having aftershocks. A river of water falls between my legs. He is not even touching me. I am not even touching me. I am alone, and riding the vibrations through the cosmos.
"You OK, Lady O?" he says playfully. I look over at him next to me, he is smiling at me. He is kind and soft again.
"I'm really high right now," I smile back at him and reach my hand out to him. He takes my hand in his and holds it to his chest.
"Good," he says as he pulls me closer. He rolls onto his stomach and I run my fingers down his spine and slowly start to knead his muscles. He falls into dreamtime.
I am wide awake. I feel more alive then I have felt in a very long time. I am not afraid, I do not want to run. I am safe and I spent the night at a man's place. In a man's bed. I am thankful for this man. He says I am his spirit guide. I think he may be an angel. One who helps me heal my heart. A kind man. A good man.
I am still awake when the sun comes up. I am staring at him as he sleeps. He takes a deep breath in and opens his eyes. "Mornin," he grumbles.
"Morning." I smile at him. He pulls me into his chest and I listen to the pulse of his heart. I listen carefully to his heart. He is holding my hand under his on his chest.
I am outside greeting the day, the sun, offering my thanks. There is peace in the air. I can hear the birds singing. For the first time in a long time, I have to go, but I want to stay. "What is happening to me?" I say out loud to myself as I am reaching my face towards the sun.
The sun warms my lips as if to kiss me. I hear a whisper with the wind. "You are starting to believe again."
"In love?" I say to the sun and the wind.
"In kindness." I smile and tears roll down my face.