Silent Addiction

Smoke hindered my vision momentarily as I looked up at a sky full of dead stars above me. I never liked the taste of cigarettes, but I held them in between my fingertips as if I enjoyed the taste of bad habits. If the toxic chemicals swimming about inside my lungs were a testament to anything, it was that I was a sucker for the bad stuff.

And that still included you.

Tonight, it became clear to me that I was still not over the fantasy of what we used to be. Time had not healed the wound you had inflicted the night you allowed me to let you go. You didn't chase. You didn't wonder. You let things be. And without a last goodbye, I was no good around you now.

My body still trembled at the sight of you. Out of unadulterated rage or an incessant desire for an explanation, I wasn't sure. All I knew was that I had no more cigarettes in my pocket, and I could feel you in close proximity. I knew that only because my pulse never raced for anyone else quite like it did for you.

I stepped onto the last of my cigarette bud against the balcony floor of your best friend's house, the volume of the music emanating from inside slowly began to lower inside my mind. The closer you got, the wilder the fire grew inside of me.

I had to say something. I had to. But your lips caught me as soon as I turned around to say what was owed to you. Frozen from the shock, I contemplated on whether I should push you away or pull you even closer. I knew what the right thing to do was. Alarm bells echoed inside my mind even as I reached up to kiss you back and your hand immediately reached for my hip to pull me closer to you.

It was wrong on all accounts. I knew that and I didn't care. You taught me how to breathe through the ashes and right now, the only fire I wanted wrapped around me was you.

The second I heard you moan against my lips while my hand dipped inside your jeans, I grew even more aroused. I wanted you at my mercy. I wanted you to feel what it was like to want something so bad, your entire body convulsed with need. And as soon as I felt you were about to burst into my hand, I pulled it out and stepped back, making sure your eyes met mine as you watched me walk away.

This time, you didn't let me go.

A grin formed on my lips the moment you pulled at my arm and pushed me up against sliding doors that were covered with curtains, keeping anyone on the inside from seeing what was going on out here. As you held my chin in one hand and the other slipped up underneath my dress, I licked my lips in anticipation of what was to come. The second I felt your fingers slip inside of me, I held back a moan, and let it escape into your lips the minute you kissed me again. The kiss dripped with steam, your fingers gained a quicker velocity and brought me closer to the edge, only for them to disappear right before I fell apart for you once again. Your lips left me, but your eyes held mine hostage as your hands held my hips steady after hiking up my dress.

I'd be lying if I said the only thing I wanted from you was your white flag. I wanted this. One last impulsive and reckless moment between the two of us that would let me know that I wasn't out of my mind, that I wasn't the only one who had felt more than just a thirst that needed to be quenched.

Your eyes gleamed with desire in the moonlight as they looked down into mine, and you entered me slowly. The second you stopped me from groaning out loud with your lips, we both laughed. Your thick and swollen shaft expanded my inner walls and filled me completely as you found your rhythm inside me again. You always did, remember? I was your anchor. Somewhere along the way you had forgotten that. Or maybe your inner demons refused to let you believe it. Nevertheless, tonight was a reminder of what you'll never have again.

I rolled my hips against you and it caused you to quicken your pace. You pounded into me, and my lips kissed up your neck, leading up to your ear, ending the trail with a moderate bite of your earlobe. Your forehead lowered to the crook of my neck as you continued to thrust into me, taking my hands into yours as you placed them on either side of my head. The second I felt myself tighten around you, you cupped my face in your hands and kissed my swollen lips until my lungs were in dire need of oxygen. We jumped off this cliff of lechery as soon as we climaxed together and held each other still in the midst of this waning high.

Maybe that's all we ever were. A stillness in the midst of the madness happening around us. I had always craved stability and the second you spoke of it, I ate it up without a second thought. Consequences be damned. And I was the one who paid the hefty price for it.

I was consumed with the same hollow agony you left me with months ago when you slipped out of me and helped me fix my dress. Your eyes showed remorse, but your mouth would never say the words out loud. I realized then, you couldn't say them. You've always used your bad habits as crutches and tonight you had intended on turning me into one.

The old me would've let you. She loved you beyond measure, beyond the concept of time and reason. She would've ended up overdosing on you. I refused to be her anymore. I refused to let what was left of me be influenced by a fantasy that was never meant to be mine.

You stood beside me, lit up another cigarette, hoping to draw me back into your mayhem and offered it to me.

I smiled, and walked away from your smoke for the very last time.