Red Flags in BDSM

How many times have we read in media, fiction or non fiction, about abuse hiding in the guise of BDSM? It not only puts a negative light on a community of genuine people but it puts a stereotype on us all.

If I ask a room full of people what does BDSM mean to them, what’s the first thought that pops into their head? It is always, pain, restraint, hurt, and abuse. That’s a very sad notion for a community that was built on respect and traditions to have. However as BDSM comes into a very public light we are forced to endure what society decides we are based on the only contact or context they have had and it may not be based in the reality of the true BDSM community.

Influencers such as books, movies, and even porn should not be taken as fact. I have seen so much abuse happen under people claiming to be dominants and using BDSM to inflict abuse and a submissive not knowing that its not the case. Everyone in the BDSM community is an equal, we are all human beings with rights and the BDSM community will always respect each other.

In any community there are abusers and victims. Male and female, it goes both ways. If you are in any relationship trust your gut feeling and be honest with yourself. Follow that gut feeling and know you are not alone.

Remember to be honest with yourself as well. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... it's a duck. Never use BDSM or kinky sex as a veil to hide abuse.

• Abuse is abuse.
• Rape is rape.
• Assault is assault.

Ask yourself these very important questions no matter what your orientation is. The submissive needs to be just as educated as the Dominant. If both of you attain the same levels of understanding or are at least able to enlighten each other, encourage each other to learn, you are on your way to a happy, healthy relationship. Remember you are your own advocate, only you can look out for yourself.

For the Dominant persona...

1. If someone submits to you because they fear you, then you are a bully, not a Dominant.
2. If someone submits to you because you give him or her expensive presents, then you are a pimp, not a Dominant.
3. If someone submits to you because you threaten to leave or abandon him or her if they refuse, then you are a manipulator, not a Dominant.
4. If someone submits to you because you won’t leave him or her alone if they don't, then you are a predator, not a Dominant.
5. If someone submits to you because you will beat him or her if they don't, then you are an abuser, not a Dominant.

For the submissive persona or anyone in any kind of relationship..

1. Does the Dominant use expensive gifts to get you to do something you honestly don't want to do?
2. Does the Dominant restrict you from having friends over or going over to see your friends?
3. Does the Dominant threaten to leave you whenever you tell him or her that you don't want to do something?
4. Does the Dominant make you feel guilty if you can't or wont do something?
5. Does the Dominant restrict you from contact with your family?
6. Does the Dominant get upset with you when you try and talk about the problems you are having?
7. Does the Dominant ever make you feel as if you are not good enough or that you can be easily replaced?
8. Does the Dominant ignore your medical or physical needs (this does not include the inability to see to these needs due to financial difficulties)?
9. Have you caught the Dominant in a lie?
10. Have you lost or gained an excessive amount of weight since being with the Dominant (this does not include intended weight loss or gain)?
11. Does the Dominant make you feel bad if you question him or her?
12. Does the Dominant make fun of or belittle your religious beliefs?
13. Does the Dominant give you reason to question his or her honesty?
14. Does the Dominant go away for long periods of time with no explanation and refuse to discuss it with you or get angered when you ask?
15. Does the Dominant make you feel ugly or unwanted?
16. Does the Dominant attempt to force you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable?
17. Have you ever felt dirty or cheap after being with your Dominant?
18. Does the Dominant drink to excess or too frequently?
19. Have you ever felt like the Dominant is hiding something important?
20. Has the Dominant ever hit you in anger?
21. Does the Dominant ever tell you not to talk to others about your relationship?
22. Does the Dominant restrict you from speaking with his or her past slaves or submissive?
23. Have you ever been afraid to discuss something with the Dominant?
24. Has the Dominant ever threatened you or became enraged when you tell him or her no?
25. Has the Dominant ever given your services away without consulting you or without your consent?
26. Has the Dominant ever brought another individual into the relationship without consulting you or without your consent?
27. Does the Dominant demand to know your whereabouts at all times and still checks up on you?
28. Have others told you that you should be careful or expressed concern about the Dominant and your well being?
29. Has the Dominant ever talked bad about you to another Dominant?
30. Has the Dominant ever said that others are out to get him or her?
31. Have you ever felt like you were raped after having sex with your Dominant?
32. When you have questioned the Dominant has he or she ever said that they don't have to defend themselves against lies?
33. Has the dominant ever mad you do something that you were physically or emotionally unable to do?
34. Since you have been with the Dominant, have you experienced an abnormal amount of depression or anxiety?
35. Since you have been with the Dominant, have you thought about committing suicide?
36. Does the Dominant make you feel that your opinion does not matter?
37. Does the Dominant punish you without explaining why?
38. Does the Dominant ignore your needs?
39. Does the Dominant express jealousy whenever you mention other Dominants or past relationships?
40. Does the Dominant take all your money and refuse to give you enough to cover your basic needs?
41. Does the Dominant participate in illegal actions, including the use of illegal drugs?
42. Have you ever second-guessed your decision to be in the relationship?
43. Has the Dominant ever questioned your loyalty when you question his or her behaviour?
44. Has the Dominant ever knowingly let you go without necessary medical attention or medication?
45. Have you ever felt lonely even in the presence of your Dominant?
46. Does the Dominant punish you publicly or in front of others?
47. Has the Dominant ever refused to speak about his or her past?
48. Does your Dominant ignore limits or safety words?

If you find yourself answering yes to many of these, remember you are not alone and there is help. Whether you know it or not, never be afraid to stand up for you. You're important, you're valued, and more than anything else….. YOU COUNT. Yes you. Find someone you trust, talk to, and be open with; there is always a way out, you just need to find it and take one step at a time. Sometimes it's that first step that seems the hardest. But that is the best step to take because it all gets easier after that.