Please Step on My Balls

Yep. The title says it all. A guy begged me to stomp his ballsack. I’m sorry in advance to people who see this as a relatively normal sexual activity; by no means am I judging anyone’s sexual preferences (well, except the obviously wrong ones). But for the most part, people are in varying shades of vanilla and an experience like this is extremely out of the ordinary.

Online dating certainly has many upsides. But what is it about these platforms that bring the weirdos out of the woodwork? I’m putting it down to the fact that it’s easier to message a stranger and block/delete them if things go wrong, rather than say difficult things to someone’s face. You get em’ all on Tinder. Over the years, I’ve been on and off Tinder, for various reasons. Mostly off because I get fed up with people’s crap. There’s been a rainbow of experiences and so I thought I’d share a few. Maybe this will make you giggle.

It was the Xmas holiday season, and my area is a tourist destination. People were free from work and ready to party, and so everyone was banging out swipes and messages on Tinder in hopes to bang out a few jingle-blue-balls. Considering there were a lot of new faces in my small area I just started swiping hotties; I was pretty keen for some commitment-free holiday action. Now, you can have all the Spidey-senses in the world and they can be quite effective when meeting people if you learn to listen to them. Talking to someone who’s entire face, body, voice and personality is relatively unknown over an app can really disable these senses. You can try all you want to utilise these senses the same as you would in person with a stranger, but you just can’t get the same reading. Some people are extremely obvious with their intent or bad vibes. But a lot of the time the ability to become whoever you want in order to snag a date makes it hard for others to truly get a sense of someone.

Anyway, here I am having a kind of quirky conversation with a cute guy who seemed funny, but full on. He was honestly really entertaining and our warped senses of humour created a hilarious conversation. I tend to give most people a bit of a chat to suss them out before cutting them off, so I had a bit of a chinwag with him. He was holidaying and very close-by. He requested to meet up and not have to chat over the app, but I wasn’t feeling the right ‘vibe’ to meet in person. He kept saying he would meet me at such and such place, insisting. I still wasn’t convinced (ALWAYS listen to your instincts with this stuff). Then he started on how hot I was, blah blah blah before asking my shoe size. Hehhh? Ewww, not a creepy foot fetish!?

“Size 7 ya weirdo, why?”

“I would love a sexy girl like you to step on my balls”

I thought this was a joke, and came back with a joking response, thinking we would move on from the topic. But he kept saying things like, “I’d love you to step on my balls in a pair of sexy high heels,” and he just kept on it and on it until I insisted he tell the truth. Was he joking??

He was not joking.

“I want u to take ur heels off and squash ur foot down onto my sack and twist”

“Nah for real it’s hot. It will make me hard and then you can hit the end of my throbbing dick”

“Then I sit you on the park bench and we have hot intense sex”

“I’m gunna eat ur pussy and keep fucking you until you cum”

The messages became more and more descriptive and my non-existent balls were twitching. He mentioned the word ‘stomp’ a few times. Shudder. I kept asking if he was joking, I kept talking to him because I was genuinely interested in learning how somebody into such activities thinks, and why they like it. Then I asked why he would want to hurt his balls so much, when they are very precious. He explained over and over how it turned him on to be dominated and have a hot girl be on control. Okay, fair enough. But I really didn’t feel like dragging my arse away from Netflix to mutilate a dudes nads at 9pm.

This went on for like an hour, I guess. He kept asking, insisting, begging me to meet him, offering all kinds of sexual payment in return. He even offered me free food (okay, that was tempting), and I was like “nope, nope, nope.”

I explained that if that’s his fetish, embrace it. Each to their own. Personally, I cannot do damage like that to another humans body, and so goodbye. Then I blocked him quick smart.

Shame that someone who started out so great quickly turned into ‘not my cup of tea.’ That’s online dating for you! Like putting your hand into a bag of party mix lollies in the dark. I hope he found his ball-girl.