Online Dating...ugh!

Nearly a decade ago, I went through a divorce and started dating for the first time as an adult. When friends suggested I write about my experiences, I started a blog. I have been "revisiting" some of my former exploits lately, and decided to share, using my real name, for the first time.

This piece was first published in March, 2013. Edits have been made for clarity and continuity.

Having decided that it was time to start dating, I had no idea how to proceed. I enlisted the helpful advice of a divorced friend who is my age and asked her about it. She suggested that I try online dating. I explained that I really didn’t want to register for some eHarmony.com deal that was going to cost a substantial subscription fee and try to help me find my “soulmate”. I wasn’t ready for a “relationship” – I needed to get out there for the first time in 25 years and, if lucky, get boned. If really lucky, get boned well. The friend directed me to Plenty of Fish which is free. She warned that you essentially get what you pay for and need to be careful of the creeps and married guys. She also said something that turned out to be very prophetic: “now you’re going to have all the young guys after you.” I absolutely did not believe her. I may have even scoffed.

Eventually, one slow Sunday night, I decided to create a profile on Plenty of Fish (hereafter POF,) it was on a whim with very little expectation of getting very many “fish” nibbling on my line. I chose very realistic photos of myself to go with the profile that created. Some with no makeup or with glasses, body shots that showed my real curves and lumps – I figured show the REAL you – not some airbrushed, filtered version that you will have trouble living up to.

I said that I was looking for “flirting, friendship, fun…” as a nod to decorum I decided to leave off the other “f word” I was looking for.

I described myself as a “big bawdy gal that has recently come out of a very long-term relationship” and said I was looking to date, meet people and make new friends. I briefly described my work and life in breezy terms and sent my little electronic representative out into cyberspace. I didn't even manage to log out before I had three chat requests. Overall, I had 27 messages or chats that first day and 10 more people who viewed my profile and indicated that they “want to meet” me. I was absolutely overwhelmed. I was reveling in the attention and flirtation, but struggling to manage so many contacts at once. I was the “new girl at school” and everyone wanted to talk to me!

As I sat reading all the profiles, looking at all the pictures, soaking up all the compliments and come-ons, I accepted a chat request from a man whose profile photo was very attractive and who claimed to live about 15 minutes away from me. The polite inquiries soon gave way to compliments about how beautiful and sexy I was and how much he loved my curves. Okay, yay. While I attempted to set up a time for us to meet for coffee, he deflected somewhat – talking about how he could meet for a few hours the next day between meetings at work. I realized that he expected to just come over and have sex. Um, hey, ah…no. I explained that I needed to meet him someplace public and that I wouldn’t be comfortable inviting him to my home without having met him. He got sort of pushy – saying that he could just show up at my door and that he would bring some nice wine. He said that I wouldn’t be disappointed in what I saw at my door, and that if I was, I could send him away and keep the wine. (Maybe I should have taken him up on that one!)

Meanwhile, we managed to coordinate a coffee meet and he was tantalizing me with tales of what he would like to do with and to me. It was both hot and…um…creepy? I was aroused, but alarm bells were going off because the guy was so pushy and was absolutely not listening to anything that I was saying. He was asking questions but not hearing the answers. I was talking about meeting for coffee to see if we hit it off and he’s thinking that I want to check him out and then fuck him immediately. As the conversation progressed (or digressed perhaps,) I became increasingly aware of the fact that I wasn’t even a part of it. This guy didn’t care about getting to know me and even if we had met and had sex it would basically be him masturbating because it wouldn’t even matter if I was there or not. I didn’t seem to be part of the equation.

I like to think that in the months since I have learned to listen to that little voice that tells you when to hang up, when to run, when to trust your instincts. But that night I let it go too far. I mean, I wasn’t stupid. I didn’t invite him over or give him my address, but I ignored my gut and listened to my twat and let him talk dirty to me. I was completely turned on when he said that he’d like to lift up my skirt and rub his erection over my ass. I love the imagery. (I guess I used him a bit too, huh?) I let him go ahead and provide me with some fantasy fodder. It had been a LONG time! Then his talk turned from plundering my pussy to slamming me up against the wall. I’m thinking “mmmm…yeah…hey…OW!” Then he starts talking about how I wouldn’t be able to move because he would hold my neck and pull my hair. He described how I would fight him but he would overpower me and…

/click

/block

I skipped the coffee date and didn’t go back to the POF site for three days. I had to have a serious chat with myself about how to exercise good judgment, caution and safety. I needed to come up with a policy and safety rules for my online dating!