Love Grows Over Time

“And understanding of the reality of love. Love is created and it requires effort on our part. The idea of love, at first sight, is romantic, and we may want to believe in it, but in reality, that's just not the case. Love is not something that is acquired one day by chance it must be developed with trust, shaped with effort, and fostered with an understanding of patience over time. This may not seem idealistic, but it's simply the truth of long- lasting love. ”

~Article from Good Therapy

All too often I get asked why is it the people most in love seem the most well-rounded. Or I get asked, what makes healthy love? And the last resounding question I hear is… what is love? How we define love is how we've experienced relationships in our past and these relationships are not limited to the dating scenario, they come from our parents our grandparents, and our aunts and uncles. Our idea of love comes from social media and publications maybe the novels we read growing up. We are influenced at a young age to define what love is and it becomes our compass that we sometimes lose along the way because it is not modeled to be forever. As quick as we are to dive into a relationship, we're quick to end it when there is a problem instead of what our ancestors did and repair what is broken. In truth, love and relationships are not instant they are hard work but one that ultimately pays off if both parties see the value in the person, they’re with.

One of the key features that define whether or not to be in a relationship is not how quickly it starts or how long it takes to get to be in that relationship but how you identify yourself as a person without that relationship. Stop and look at the things that make you whole. Your interests, your values, your mental health, your income, your hobbies, and your work, all make you who you are and are part of your identity. How we take ourselves into a relationship is commonly referred to as what we bring to the table. So, what do you offer a potential partner in yourself? You have to understand human beings are not perfect we don't look perfect, we don't act perfect, and we can all make mistakes. It's how you handle yourself in those moments that define integrity.

In many different lifestyle communities, we are taught to communicate, communicate, communicate. It is one word that is said over and over again yet I don't think many people can effectively do it. How many times do you talk over your partner or cut them off or treat them like their day doesn't matter? Not because we're not interested but because we have something on our minds that we want to share with them. Effective communication takes more than listening, more than agreeing. Effective communication considers feelings, emotions, compassion, and concern for each other. Sometimes it may take one person a bit longer to process all the information that was laid out in front of them before they have an appropriate response. It is all part of effective communicating and being an effective communicator is one of the first steps in growing love.

Another common term I hear in alternative communities is trust. Not only is trust important within relationships but it is just as important as communication when it comes to loving your partner. Trust is a very vague word, and it encompasses more than just that one word when you break it down. What allows you to put trust in the other person? One of the identifying features of trust is appropriate trust, which means it's just not a blanket term but given in increments or in sections and can be fostered and nurtured. When trust has the opportunity to grow a partner feels safe and stable knowing their thoughts and feelings can be expressed with the other person. Trust cultivates an environment of predictability, reliability, accountability, and stability.

Society puts this concept of one love or love at first sight, or maybe even one true love in the forefront of our minds through books and movies, and even advertisements. However, healthy love and the reality of understanding love means that love is created, it requires effort and understanding. It is not something that is acquired one day by chance, and it has to be shaped with trust and effort even understanding and patience over time. This may not seem idealistic, but it is simply the truth of long-lasting love.

There are two other aspects to healthy long-lasting love and strong relationships that play a big part that most people don't consider. One of those, it's simply the awareness of an attraction to familiarity. Heard the expression we date our parents? We may not want to admit it but what we find comforting from our early childhood right on through to our adult lives is something we seek out. Whether that's a partner that is nurturing or is a protector, maybe a good provider or even one who can look after a home or maybe help fix the meals or do the housework we hate. We always look to something that is familiar and if you have not healed childhood or early adolescent trauma, we can bring that into our current relationships. That's not to say we can't be in the healing process, but we have to identify that that is something that attracts us to people, the familiar aspects good and bad. If you are aware of this attraction to familiar personalities, you're able to cultivate the good ones you seek out in a partner. For instance, I value creativity and intelligence. I also value hard work, so those are traits that I am attracted to in a person. Not that long ago I found myself struggling with the fact that I was unhappy unless my partner was physically attractive by social standards, and I came to realize that was a projection of how I felt about myself. Once I understood the aspects of what I looked for in my partner my mindset became profound, I could look at the traits that brought me happiness, brought me stability, and made me feel good. Sometimes having a healthy relationship with your partner means you have to have a healthy relationship with the people around you, your parents, family members, your friends, and even your best friends. We're always working on ourselves emotionally, physically, and mentally and identifying that we are constantly changing and evolving and accepting that our partners change and evolve as well and want to see that growth in our partner is healthy and it equates to healthy love as another critical component. The second thing we always forget about, and it is often talked about in a negative light is compromise. What does compromise mean? Does it mean you give up your value or your belief or even your ideals to make your partner happy or to avoid that fight? And the answer is absolutely not. In healthy relationships, healthy people can acknowledge the validity of their partner's wants and needs even when they do not agree and still respect the areas of difference. It's like you may not have the same political belief you may not have the same favorite color, you may not even have the same taste in music but you accept your partner's choice and needs for these things even if it's not in your taste and you can still find value in your partner's thoughts and wisdom about such topics means you might be able to compromise. Does it mean that you have to like their taste in music or their political party? No, it doesn't but it does mean that you can understand that there are valid reasons for liking or not liking something.

Now if you put all these aspects together and foster an environment that's inviting, entertaining, and even explorative, love tends to be found. But what is love? Is love butterflies and your heart pounding in your chest? Is it the sexual want and desire or is it putting a person on a pedestal? In truth, love it's not any of those things. True love is deep care, compassion, wanting to see your partner succeed, the wanting to grow with your partner. Love is nurturing another human being and fostering an environment that's healthy and safe to allow each person to be who they are on the inside and out. Love is not found it is not sudden and it is not quick. Love takes time to grow and nurture.