Is It Hard to Walk Away?

To keep going or just... Halt.

Is It Hard to Walk Away?

Gia felt like her brain was going to explode. Whether it was a mix of today's stresses of life or just... hearing Lai and Sebastian go at it with each other over the phone, her temples had begun to throb. It was the tale of her best friend's current "situation-ship." Every good thing that was going on, Gia would hear about it. Every bad... Gia would hear about it. Wishing that she was deaf, she listened and advised, yet Lai would take her advice of leaving him alone. On this day, she had decided to take Lai out to eat, and while they were "catching up," Sebastian called and the fireworks had begun.

"Oh my god, will you just listen to me?" Lai yelled into the phone

"You are so stubborn, Lai," Sebastian echoed

"You're an asshole."

"You are a..." Before he could finish, Lai hung up

It had only been a few months since Lai and Sebastian had not only met each other, but started a whirlwind relationship. In that time, their interaction had always begun with the following:

  1. An ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF SHIT-TALKING
  2. Arguing
  3. to rough, deep, passionate sex.

Gia was aware of the tragic cycle and Lai didn't mind it since the third part of their agreement. Both women were addicted to chaos, however, Gia was on the calmer end of Lai's "crazy." According to her best friend, she had just nailed her interview at a local drug store when Sebastian approached her. Lai had been looking through her phone, scrolling through her friends' social pages when a tall, dark man crossed the street to approached her.

"Queen, you look beautiful," The man said.

His English was broken and in Lai's opinion, looked withered. The common appearance of evidence that the crack epidemic had done in their communities. Lai politely smiled and said "Thank you," looking up the hill to see if her train was coming soon. Silently pleading that the train would hurry up and come, so she wouldn't have to stand awkwardly in front of the withered man.

"You have boyfriend?" He asked

"Yeah," Lai lied, "I'm heading to see him now."

"Oh, Ok," He said, disappointed

As he walked away, Lai heard behind her, "Well, damn. I hope I have a chance."

Lai turned around and saw the tallest man she had seen walking towards her on the corner of the block. His hair was cut low and his hairline was freshly faded. His round face broke into a smile, which in turn, made her smile.

"You might," Lai flirted.

They had begun to casually talk about themselves and at one point, they had begun to flirt extremely heavy. Lai, getting lost in his African accent or Sebastian losing himself in her overall personality; they were enamored with each other.

That was three months ago when Lai had called Gia, excited about the new man she had met on a whim. The tides had changed, and now they were going back and forth with each other about how much time they were going to spend with each other.

"I don't understand why you aren't coming to see me?" He asked Lai, with irritation in his voice.

They had begun to make their way to their different jobs in the city when Sebastian had called back, riling up Lai more. Gia had just calmed her down a bit, so she wouldn't continue to embarrass herself and Gia in public.

"I have to work. I told you that. You should have just come over the night before," She retorted.

Lai felt a scream slowly come from the depths of her throat. They bickered back and forth, but the results were still the same; her on her back and him sucking the life out of her yoni. As much as she loved it, she hated it equally as much. So. Did. Gia.

Gia had witnessed her fair share of ups and downs with Lai and her choices of men. Lai would come across the men who care about her for a moment, and once they got what they wanted; they left without a word or explanation. New developments had occurred during the phone conversation, which changed the tone in Lai's voice, Gia noticing, by the way, Lai had stopped in her tracks.

"I have something to tell you."

"Yes."

"My contracting job has me leaving Philly for a few months."

"Damn."

"Yeah."

Lai was beginning to get used to days of not hearing from him frequently, however, this sudden news had hit her differently. She felt her heart sink, however, Lai kept at straight face. They weren't in a titled relationship, he was talking to other women while Lai was talking to other people. Yet. She found herself coming back to him, and didn't want to part from him. Now, the powers to be had put a wedge in Lai's plans; which was to drop everyone and have Sebastian as her man. Her King. Her becoming a one-dicked woman. Gia wasn't sure if Lai was even capable of loving or caring about one man, since the ones that she had a history of choosing didn't stay around.

"When is it supposed to all be happening?"

"Tomorrow morning."

"The fuck!" Lai said.

"Yeah."

"So... what does that mean for us?" Lai felt the shame leave her lips as she asked the obvious question.

Lai knew that there wasn't an actual "us" situation between them. Gia would remind her of that, and where Sebastian had fallen short. Regardless, Lai pressed on and with him. There was something about Sebastian that drew Lai in, Gia noticed. Whether it was how deeply-rooted he was to his African roots, or the way that he would pick her up and kiss Lai so deeply that she felt closer to heaven than she had ever been; she was addicted to him. He was addicted to her. What was Lai going to do once he was off to better himself, and his financial situation? Gia needed to remind Lai of the philosophy that she had chosen to adapt over the years.

"They come and they go. So fuck it and them."

"That means you will be at my house tonight and spending the night with me."

Lai sucked her teeth and huffed.

"I guess."

"You don't wanna come over?"

"I do."

"Then stop acting like you don't."

***

The evening came and Lai took public transportation, headed towards the Southwestern part of the city. Riding down, her mind started to trail on the idea of him, and what it would be like knowing he wasn't going to be in the city. Would she actually miss him? Why did she feel this way about him? She had messed with men longer than him, and never ONCE felt the feeling of butterflies when she got around him.

"Hey, babe," He said, opening the door

As much as she wanted to shrug him off, she broke into a cheesy smile, "Hey, Papi."

Lai proceeded to walk through the house, and headed downstairs to the basement. Clothes on lines and storage boxes array, behind the curtain, lied another world that they had created many nights. Pictures of great men hung on the wall, and a faint light illuminated the small section that he had made into his "room." A queen-sized bed without a box spring laid on the floor was something Lai wasn't going to miss while Sebastian was gone. Lai wanted to be in an actual room with him, where she didn't hear footsteps above them or conversations near them.

Lai would plan metaphoric scenarios with Sebastian, one in which they would pick up and move to the west coast. They both have had experiences out there, and she wanted to recreate pleasant memories with him. Walking through the Redwood forest in Oregon, or making love under the stairs in Seattle, she wanted to have adventures with Sebastian. Create memories that would strengthen their passion for each other. Lai would envision various situations, however, as she noticed the bags on the floor; it wasn't happening right now, nor was she even sure if it would ever happen for them.

Marijuana smoke started to fill the air and Pandora played the sultry sounds of Duke Ellington. The blares of the trumpets and the flow of the piano circulated throughout the room, and Lai instantly was put into a trance. Very common for her, Lai was triggered by music especially the soulfulness that Blues and Jazz possessed.

Ella Fitzgerald, "Summertime" had begun to play and Sebastian was laying in bed, panting. Over the course of minutes, they had both gotten out of their clothes and started to have sex. Moans had escaped their lips and orgasms arose with every thrust or gasp between each other. They had collapsed in exhaustion, however, Lai wanted more. Her body needed more. She had gotten up from the moment when she heard Ella's voice and Sebastian looked at her, confused.

"Baby, what are you doing?"

"Dance with me."

"What?"

"Cmon," Lai said, slowly swaying her hips, "Come dance with me."

"We'll look stupid."

"I don't care," Lai said, continuing to let the notes of the song take her further into her mind.

He chuckled and got up from the bed. Still dripping sweat, he took Lai into his arms. Lai placed her hand into his, as a woman of a royal court would when being asked to dance. Sebastian started slow and stiff, uncertain what was really going through Lai's mind. He looked into her eyes, noticing that they were no longer brown. They had darkened to a point that he had felt fear. She was possessed. Something was taking ahold of her and the only time he saw her look the way that she did was when Lai would climax. Her voice would thicken as she would yell, "Yessssssss," which would be followed with a darken growl.

"You're a sex demon," He joked

Lai would break into a small smile and proceeded to carry on with whatever task she had in mind. Riding him or sucking his dick until he came, he would take advantage of her hunger as she would take advantage of his energy. Whatever the "demon" wanted, he was willing to oblige. In this instance, Lai didn't appear to want more sex... she wanted romance. Sebastian wouldn't engage in the act of romance with any women, yet, looking at Lai, he considered.

They slowly danced, Sebastian would spin her out of his arms, and she would return right into his broad chest. He looked down to see that Lai had placed her face against him, hearing his heartbeat. Rapid but slowing down with each moment between them. He didn't want to admit it to himself, but he felt sure. Deciding to take the job out of the city was the certainty he needed for money. Deciding on whether or not to take Lai as his own... left him without an answer. The way she held him close to her, or the way she spoke so eloquently, he knew he didn't want to be without her. Circumstances spoke much louder than any reassurance he could muster to assure her that she would be the only one he would invest his emotions into. Lai knew, and as nonchalant she acted, Sebastian knew. He knew the walls which were up to protect both of their feelings. Sebastian couldn't admit it to himself that he had let the walls down for Lai, as well as knowing that Lai lowered hers. No matter what she would say, Sebastian noted her vulnerability, and at times, he would meet her halfway at the very same level.

They didn't know how much time had passed since Ella ended, and Sinatra began. They continued to sway slowly, not wanting to break apart from each other's embrace. Lai stopped swaying and stayed silent. Sebastian had begun to break apart, but Lai held him closer.

"I don't want to let you go."

"You don't have to."

They stood in the middle of the room and allowed gravity to move them. Time had stood still for Lai and Sebastian, neither wanted it to continue. They were just hours away from the painful "Good-bye" that they both knew would come. Savoring every minute, Lai and Sebastian did what they normally would do, but this time, it was more intimate. More passionate. Lai rode him into oblivion, while Sebastian thrust into her. Out of breath, Lai placed her forehead against his; absorbing the heat and energy Sebastian had. They laid still. Not moving. Allowing the throbbing of their genitals to continue. They did not speak a word. They allowed their energies to intermingle. It was the only word that needed to be spoken between them.

The uncertainty of where their relationship will go once Sebastian left Philly laid heavy on Lai's mind. Whether or not Lai was going to be around once he got back to the city, plagued his. Neither one uttered a word to each other. It was better if they didn't. Lai turned onto her side and Sebastian held her close. It didn't matter right then. With the smell of her perfume, his sweat, and marijuana; they both drifted off to sleep, awaiting what tomorrow would bring.

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Jay Williams

Just a young woman who writes freely, from the mind...holding nothing back.

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