I Used to Be a Unicorn

Swinging lifestyles aren’t for the faint of heart. For secure couples who have a flair for a more colorful approach to sexual health, swinging can be a bonding experience on a level that many couples may never experience. That is not to say that couples who don’t swing don’t experience the peak of their sexual lives together. However, swingers tend to live a more complex sex life and I’ve found that complexity appealing for someone who enjoys exploring lifestyles that challenge you to turn your back on tradition and embrace a free-spirited approach to living your best orgasms.

When I was twenty years old, I married for the first and only time in my life thus far, and I experienced a small taste of swinging when we invited my best friend into the bedroom for a bit of fun. I was intrigued, but we never went much further in this exploration due to our own instabilities as a young married couple. We divorced, and I remained interested in the lifestyle that allowed partners to share or swap with others, so my friends recommended a lifestyle club to become more acquainted with the lifestyle.

The Club

I’ll never forget my first time walking into a swinger’s club. The noise, flashing club lights, loud music, and happy conversations were the first things to ignite my senses and pique my interest. I filled out paperwork for a membership, got a tour of the building, and started to meet and speak with people in the club (after a few drinks, because anyone who knows me knows I have a horrible time being social.)

The next several times I visited the club, I found myself speaking with more people, asking more questions, and learning a lot about the regular couples who frequented the place. I heard from couples who had been swinging for twenty years or more while I spoke with new couples who were exploring a more exciting sexual lifestyle together. I drank up every bit of information I could find so I understood my place in the lifestyle and what types of rules I should respect (we will get into that later.)

That’s when I discovered what my status was in the lifestyle at that point: a unicorn.

What is a Unicorn? You’re Not a Horse, and This is Sex We’re Talking About!

Indeed, I am a human being who is a cisgender woman with she/her/hers pronouns. A “unicorn” in this sense is a term for a person in the lifestyle who is not partnered, is available, and willing to participate in threesomes or group sex with other couples. The reason for the nickname is that women, in particular, who show up unpartnered with an interest in participation with others are extremely rare. The majority of the lifestyle consists of partners, many of whom do not feel comfortable with a full swap of partners with other couples, so the main purpose of the lifestyle for them is to find a single someone who is able and willing to satisfy both individuals while being satisfied herself.

Being a unicorn in the lifestyle is fun but it can come with a lot of pressure. I frequented the swinger’s club once I made friends and felt comfortable, and couples noticed me often. I think, for me, the biggest challenge in existing as a unicorn was my own self-esteem issues: I had plenty of couples I was interested in but felt they were out of my league entirely and kept my distance for fear of under performance. I felt a lot of pressure from myself as one of the only unicorns at the club: I wanted to be available, but not too available. I knew who I wanted, but I never went for it out of fear. I felt desired, but I was lost in so many abusive comments to myself about my appearance and worthiness based on how attractive the couple was. It was a complex situation, but that’s not to say I didn’t have an amazing time regardless. I met plenty of couples who were able to fulfill some fantasies with me and I love that I am forever a part of their adventurous memories as sexually free beings.

Swinger Rules and Respecting Them

As a unicorn, one thing I learned quickly was that every couple is different when it comes to personal boundaries and rules with unicorns. I discovered the most important step when interacting with a couple was having a thorough, open discussion where everyone felt comfortable communicating boundaries and establishing if the willingness on all sides was agreeable without any emotional compromise. It’s a complex dynamic, but very worth the time spent for the fun that can come out of it.

One mention-able rule that I have always made sure to establish in these conversations is the rule on kissing: some couples do not prefer to kiss their unicorn on the lips, while some prefer the woman be allowed, while others encourage kissing among all three members of the experience. Again, no couple will come with the same set of rules, so asking specific questions on what is and is not okay will prevent emotional disruption during the actual event of the unicorn engaging with her chosen couple.

Alcohol tends to play a role in a lot of these conversations, and as long as no one is overdoing their liquor, I think that part made it easier for everyone to loosen up and have the talks without feeling embarrassed. I know for myself, being fairly introverted, having a beer definitely helped the conversation move along with less concerns about sounding too demanding when expressing what rules I had for myself.

Do Unicorns Actually Need Rules?

Of course. My rules were:

• Never play with a couple who seem emotionally unstable in other aspects of the relationship.
• Never play without plenty of communication.
• Never play with people who are too new to be known by friends; positive references are important to me.
• Never decide to play when too intoxicated.
• Always have friends nearby to keep you in check if alcohol is involved (or even if it isn't; sometimes, I make terrible decisions all on my own)
• Don’t be afraid to say, “No.” Rejection exists in swinging and it needs to be acceptable on all counts.

These rules are based on my personality, but many of them should be essential golden rules for all unicorns, in my opinion.

What About After the Experiences?

I certainly had many encounters as a unicorn, and I can honestly say that none of the casual encounters I had with the couples afterward were awkward. It was no different to sit at a table with a few drinks and chat about the weather, recent life events, and various other topics. For me, I had nothing to be ashamed of, as everything was well discussed, decided, executed, and comfortable for the group of us. Going back to friendly chats and remaining friends was easy for me. However, I should point out that my personality and sexual interests were what drew me to this lifestyle naturally, and that this scenario of comfort after the fact is based on my ability to experience a unicorn life without emotional conflict.

The downfall to being a unicorn for so long, though? Eventually, I felt worn out by being someone everyone could experience for their own fantasies, but I wasn’t getting to share the experience of a fantasy with my own loved one. It grew to be a lonely life, but I was also single by choice, so my loneliness was one of my own choosing. However, the loneliness is only exacerbated when your sexual lifestyle is based on being the fantasy addition to a couple you genuinely care for and not sharing something intimate with someone you love.

So Did I Even Like Being a Unicorn?

Of course I did. The downfall was rough, and I had to take some time for myself and my mental health, so I continued to visit the club without accepting offers from couples. I connected with my swinger friends on new levels, made some lifelong friendships, and felt more part of the community than I ever had.

Do I Have the Right Personality For This?

The only way to find out is to have conversations. If you’re partnered, speak with your partner about how comfortable it is, and you will figure out your comfort level. If you are single and interested in being a unicorn, take caution regarding your mental health, self-esteem, and how your emotions may get involved. If you are bisexual, then you know you can seek a heterosexual couple or a lesbian couple; if you are straight, you know you need to have a partner for swapping, and so on. However, the swinger lifestyle is for a certain type of person, and if you are not comfortable with it on any level, do not force yourself to try. You can explore an exciting sex life without involving other couples or unicorns.

What I Learned, In Summary

Open communication is key to succeeding in the lifestyle. Couples have rules just as much as unicorns do, and vice versa. Know yourself before you dive into such a lifestyle, and always be mindful of everyone’s comfort and boundaries. Learn to accept rejection if the lifestyle is for you, never give up on your fantasies, and try to have as much fun as possible. Those memories might inspire a lot of future orgasms, after all, and you deserve the best orgasms.

As For the Now…

I’m no longer a unicorn. My life has progressed in a way that I am spending time establishing security and comfort with the love of my life, and we will explore the idea of additional partners down the road. Who knows? Maybe someday I’ll be writing a new article about experiencing the swinger life as a couple instead of as a former unicorn.

For now, we enjoy a complex BDSM relationship that satisfies us both in the most creative ways. That’s a whole other article, though.