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I Have Never...

Done Any Of These Things

By Carol TownendPublished 2 months ago • 3 min read
I Have Never...
Photo by Daniel Herron on Unsplash

Here is a list of things I have never done:

  • I have never dipped chocolate in coffee; though it tasted good when I did.
  • I have never worn my husband's underwear; though it fits me better.
  • I have never eaten a vindaloo curry, but I did burn my tongue
  • I have never been a virgin; what's a virgin?
  • I have never snogged a man or woman, though those snogs are pretty hot!
  • I have never had sex behind the bikesheds.; I've never had sex in my life!
  • I have never had sex in a park; I don't know what you mean, dear.
  • I have never eyed up boobs or a good butt; though that butt I saw today was very nice!
  • I have never put the icing sugar in coffee; Nope! Not me!1
  • I have never licked the spoon clean after baking; though it tastes so good!
  • I have never put alcohol in your cake; Me? I would never do that! I'd never get you drunk
  • I have never eaten raw potato; although it tastes so good.
  • I have never swore in my sleep; I don't swear me!
  • I have never had a snoring fit; I never snore!
  • I have never had sex in my sleep; though that dream I had last night was steamy!
  • I have never looked at a naked man or woman; although that lady and man over there are pretty hot
  • I have never been to a strip club; Shh! That's telling!!
  • I have never been skinny-dipping; the water was bloody cold!
  • I have never masturbated or slept naked; it felt good, I can tell you that much!
  • I have never given a blow-job; though they taste pretty good
  • I have never ever kissed anyone, but kissing tastes oh so nice!
  • I have never lost your car keys; though I did steal them once, and I threw them down a grate!
  • I have never shrunk your jeans in the wash; I blame the washing machine!
  • I have never stolen your aftershave; though it smells better on me!

And all these things I have never done in my life.

You can see that I am still as innocent as I was when I was that little girl who sang, danced, and wore white socks.

I am still an angel! I am totally innocent. I swear I never did any of these things on my list!

Whether you believe me; I'll leave that to you, but I swear I am innocent,

It is true!

Do you believe me yet? Nope! oh well, it's your loss, not mine.

I have to say though, every single word is perfectly true.

I'm not lying to you!

Though I did shrink your jeans in the washing machine; there were circumstances! The washing machine told me to do it, and I really didn't mean to steal your car keys and throw them down a grate!

Can't you see? The devil told me to do it!

But, beware if you think that I'm telling the truth, though there are reasons!

The devil is at play in this you see.

He told me to do it...but he also did it himself!

Oh, shut up with the excuses; I'm not totally innocent.

Not even by a half!

You're a fool if you believe that I am as innocent as I sound!

At least, there is one thing I will admit.

I'm no fucking virgin! I'd have hated to have kept it!

I prefer my hole open, not closed.

I do close it to some though;

Oh, and another thing.

Your underpants taste delicious when they are in my mouth!

fictioneroticCONTENT WARNINGcomedy

About the Creator

Carol Townend

Fiction, Horror, Sex, Love, Mental Health, Children's fiction and more. You'll find many stories in my profile. I don't believe in sticking with one Niche! I write, but I also read a lot too.

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Comments (4)

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  • Dharrsheena Raja Segarran2 months ago

    Lol, glad you close it to some! This was hilarious!

  • Alex H Mittelman 2 months ago

    Well, this is certainly interesting!

  • Kendall Defoe 2 months ago

    I have never read anything that made me laugh so hard! 😐

  • RM Stockton2 months ago

    Ha! I love this. I will never tell a soul. (Sending a link now!)

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