How to Last Longer in Bed

Isn’t it crazy how completely opposite men and women are when it comes to the big O? To give a woman an orgasm is to give her a gift she has always wanted yet is often hard to find. Despite vagina diagrams, verbal direction, and YouTube videos, women still have a difficult time reaching orgasm from their partner, and that’s if they do at all. It is a mission that takes skill, patience, and usually a few prayers.

Now for men the issue of climaxing couldn’t be more dissimilar. With just a hole or tight grip, men can find pleasure within a matter of minutes. I know, the travesty. However, while this sounds like the ultimate blessing or talent, just like some women never find satisfaction, many men suffer from finding theirs too early. This uncontrollable predicament can have men feeling inadequate, guilty, and many times straight up embarrassed. So what qualifies a man as a quick finisher? Well the average time of intercourse from start to finish is around three to seven minutes with most men never passing the 12-minute mark. Of course there are those couples who claim to make love for hours only stopping for water and lubrication, well allow me to share their secret. They are LYING! Or using drugs or masturbating multiple times a day.

So what is a man to do when he can’t control the giddiness that is his erupting penis? Simple, he does everything in his power to delay the inevitable. Whether this is done by using a condom, changing positions, or most commonly thinking the most unsexiest of thoughts, men have no qualms about trying whatever works. Some choose to go the topical anesthetic route by using a cream or spray. Products like Promescent Desensitizing Delay claim to desensitize the penis resulting in a longer harder romp. Of course if you aren’t against prescription drugs there is Viagra and Caverject injections, which are medically proven to keep a man erect but not without some hefty side effects like pain, lumps, rashes, prolonged erections, and bleeding. Not to mention you would have to stick a needle in your penis first. Ouch!

Other options are to slow down, switch positions, or take a break all together. The change in pace will give the penis an opportunity to literally calm down. Have you ever noticed in porn films that the man is constantly breaking to give her a few minutes of oral, spanking, or to flip her around and upside down? This isn’t camera creativity or desire to please, it is solely to give his over-stimulated penis a moment to de-stimulate. Lastly, you could try the self-inflicted pain route which is when you purposely hurt another part of your body to distract your brain from pleasure to pain. I am not suggesting you stab your leg while doing it but try biting your tongue or discreetly pinching yourself. That is, unless pain turns you on. Then this will not work. This will only aid in your antsy ejaculation.

Think Unsexy Thoughts

For those who choose the safest alternative, thinking unsexy thoughts, you may have to get creative. You may also have to deal with some backlash from your partner questioning why you look so distracted and uninterested during sex. If only they knew that look of boredom on your face is actually from you thinking about moldy bread just so you could give them a few extra minutes of coital bliss. If you need a little help postponing your climax than today is your lucky day. Here are some of the most original thoughts to last longer in bed.

Baseball

There is no way to create a list of orgasm-delaying thoughts without including good ol’ baseball. For some reason, since the beginning of time, men have used this American pastime as a way to get their mind out of the ejaculation gutter. More specifically, singing the catchy tune, "Take me out to the ballgame." While I understand this is a pretty unsexy tune and probably brings back childhood memories, I would think that saying words like peaNUTS and ball game would only stir sexual thoughts, but hey what do I know, I am just a difficult vagina.

Grandma

Sorry, but I don’t know how this can ever be justified. You should never, ever think about your grandma or any grandma when your pants are off. However, if you feel that after just 30-seconds of penetration, seeing an image of your grandmother’s sweet little face will without a doubt halt ejaculation, then I guess a man has to do what a man has to do. Just remember, your penis may now associate your grandma with sex resulting in a boner at your next family gathering. Awkward!

His Wife

Oh snap. You know what this means right? This means the man trying to delay his big finale is a married man cheating on his wife and to please his mistress he is willing to imagine his wife’s bitchy face just to buy him a minute or two. Damn, you are a dog, but that was probably either super effective or the biggest boner killer out there.

Donald Trump

Need I explain? OK, fine I will just because I can never pass up an opportunity to make fun of a potential president. Much less a potential president who spray tans and wears a dead cat on his head. A potential president who may possibly get the opportunity to lead our country to total destruction. Or domination. Either way, he is freaking scary looking.

Fantasy Sports League

I will never truly understand what it is about these make believe sport teams that gets men all riled up. I mean they do understand that it isn’t a real team, with real drafts, and games, right? If it were he would be as rich as they come and no girl would care how long or quickly it takes him to…come. Anyways, if a man can get his mind off of the breasts in his face and think about his current losing fantasy football league, chances are he will be sufficiently distracted.

To-Do Lists

Regardless of the time, day, or week, as adults we always have shit to do. While it is usually a woman’s job to carry most of the mundane worry, perhaps if a man were to think about his to-do list mid-thrust than maybe she wouldn’t have to. And then maybe, just maybe, she will be able to have an orgasm, too.

Personal Hygiene

Ewh! If you can prolong your orgasm by trying to count how many days it has been since you last showered or manscaped, then I hope to God the girl beneath you is either super drunk or suffers from anosmia. My only advice to this stinky dude is to do us all a favor and finish the job as quickly as possible. And then take a shower, shave your bush, and burn your house down.

Finances

If you didn’t already know, stressing over finances can do major damage to your sex life, so try not to go overboard here. Rather than comparing the money you have to the money you need, try adding your monthly bills or guessing what your electrical bill is going to be next month. Nothing like a debt reminder to kill the mood so tread lightly.

Solve a Math Problem

What better way to busy your brain than by trying to solve a math problem like 126 multiplied by 425 divided by 5. In case you’re wondering the answer is 10,710. You’re welcome.

Something Totally Nasty

Apparently men will go as far as imagining that the person they are having sex with is an ugly troll with hairy warts and body odor. No joke, when all other thoughts fail, it has been said that by quickly pretending the woman underneath you is not a beautiful female but rather a hideous slutty beast, that the desire to finish will be lessened dramatically. Could this be why so many women find difficulty climaxing, because the man on top of her is an actual hairy smelly man-beast. Hmmm, just some food for thought.

If you aren't a fan of the unsexy thoughts plan, or if it just isn't working well enough, there is always the desensitization route I mentioned earlier. I recommend the Desensitizing Delay Spray by Promescent.

Desensitizing Delay Spray by Promescent fully absorbs beneath the surface of your skin to reach the nerves that signal for ejaculation. This increases your control over your stamina while still maintaining enough sensitivity that you don't entirely lose sensation. It also won't transfer to your partner, so there's no chance that you will cause her to numb and counteract your own efforts.