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How To (Gently) Introduce Rough Sex in Bed

Your rough sex fantasies may seem like just a fantasy, but, with a few gentle, calculated choices, you can help your partner help you make the most of a night between the bed sheets.

By Anthony GramugliaPublished 7 years ago 4 min read
Photo by Brooke Olimpieri

The average person is into some kinky, rough things in bed, yet so often people are content to indulge in casual, vanilla sex. An individual may be into some rough stuff, want to be thrust into the pillow, choked, bound--a BDSM fantasy. Yet so many are afraid to speak up, and surrender to a normal, less exciting sex life.

But it doesn't have to stay that way.

There are several simple ways to spice up the bedroom, ways that are remarkably easy and straightforward. Your rough sex fantasies may seem like just a fantasy, but, with a few gentle, calculated choices, you can help your partner help you make the most of a night between the bed sheets.

Ask To Be Choked

Many partners are raised under the assumption that you must be delicate with your partner. Because of this, some people may be afraid to have rough sex because they are afraid of hurting their loved ones. For this reason, it is important that you are open about what you want.

Talking about an issue is vital. But it is important how you phrase it. Blurting out "I get horny when you squeeze my neck," at a fancy Italian restaurant won't win you any points in bed.

But approaching them in private, with a sexy look in your eye, saying, "Hey, I wanna try something different tonight." No elaborate build-up. No, "Hey, I wanna talk to you about something." Just say it the same way you'd let it "slip" that your bra is off or you have a serious erection. The kind of flirty thing that ordinarily you'd just tease with a little grin.

In fact, most rough sex issues can be solved just by talking. And it is open communication that is so very important.

Guide Your Partner's Hands

Photo by Dear Pao

When asking your partner to choke you, or asking if you can choke someone, it is important, especially for the first time, to communicate with your partner how to do it. Guide their hands - or ask them to guide your hands.

When being choked, there is a sense of pleasure derived from the pressure of fingers against skin - tips pressing under the jawline, over the curves of the neck. You don't want them to wring your neck like a chicken, or to be subject to a Boston Strangler-esque torture. So, guide them. They do not know what you need to feel pleasure, so elaborate. Open communication is the healthiest means to a satisfying relationship.

The same is true if you are the one doing the choking. Ask them to guide your hands to the most comfortable - even erotic - positions. Rough sex is by nature rough, but it shouldn't be agonizing or painful to the other person.

Handcuffs are intimidating. They bring to mind visuals of Hannibal Lector cells, COPS reruns, and over-all being a bad guy. Even if you want to be bad in bed (and by bad, I don't mean underwhelming sexually), it isn't always a good idea to make your partner feel as though they are committing a crime.

There are alternatives. Many bondage kits come with fluffier alternatives to handcuffs. Velcro straps, for example. Work ties can be a sensual alternative to steel cuffs that look like you stole them from a police officer's belt (though, if you are into that sort of thing, that's a totally different story).

Start off gentle. Don't throw a ball-gag on your partner, or pull a strap-on for double penetration. Assuming you're even into those things. Again, like all things in life, BDSM exists on a spectrum. Open communication is essential for a healthy sex life.

Know What "No" Means

The worst thing in the world is to go too far. I don't care if your partner is a macho masculine guy or a tough girl. Everyone has a breaking point. Your kinky sex life may have some rough sex stuff like leather straps cracked across your rear or some Medieval torture devices, but know that there is the possibility that what you find a turn-on is traumatic for your partner.

No matter how far you go or what you want to do in bed, always listen to your partner. When your partner has enough, stop. Find a safe word, and never- EVER -go too far. If your partner is upset, comfort the fuck out of them. Get them ice cream, wrap them in blankets, whatever. This goes on both ends. If you've hurt your partner, whether by making them rough you up or roughing them up, you need to show you still love them, and that you didn't mean for them to be hurt.

This is seriously the most important thing you can do is treat your partner right. If your partner feels good, you will feel good. Establish clear communication early on so that no one is left out to dry.

Ultimately, though it takes many forms, the essential lesson of this article, boiled down to a single word, is as follows:


advicehow torelationshipssexual wellness

About the Creator

Anthony Gramuglia

Obsessive writer fueled by espresso and drive. Into speculative fiction, old books, and long walks. Follow me at

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