Halloween Swing

This is a true story. You can't even make this stuff up. I am married to a super hot, sexy 48 year old man who has muscles on top of his muscles. His birthday is in November just a few weeks before Halloween, so I decided to spice things up a bit and try something different. I determined to buy him an experience instead of some trinket that he may or may not use......something that wouldn't sit around collecting dust.

I scoured the internet looking for something experiential, something that we could use over and over. I looked for days and then I came across a sex swing on Amazon. Ha! I didn't even know they sold sex toys, so that opened up a whole new world for me. I researched all of them.

There are so many different types of swings, some that are portable that hang on doors, free-standing and sex swings that hang from the ceiling. I opted to go for the 360 swing that hangs from the ceiling because my husband has been in construction for over 30 years and that option seemed more sturdy than the door hangers and free-standing models.

I don't know who was more excited about it (him or me)....but you should have seen the look on his face when he realized what it was. Best birthday gift ever!!!! We looked at tutorials on how to use the swing and hang it properly but we got busy with life so it sat in the box on the floor for a few weeks until Halloween night.

We have five children, but our youngest is 16, so the kids generally make their own plans for Halloween. The kids decided to skip the costumes this year and planned on hanging out with their friends. This was the window my husband and I were looking for....the opportunity to give our new, hot toy a spin without being interrupted.

This is when things got crazy. When my children were little, I was used to them being up my butt around the corner, but on this particular Halloween....they took it to the next level. We had started the construction process of getting the swing attached to the ceiling in our bedroom when my three boys came and knocked on my door.

I cracked the door open and stuck my head out to prevent questions about our sex swing construction project. The boys had been invited to a last-minute Halloween party and none of them had a costume to wear so they needed my help.

At that point, construction was put on hold and I spent the next three hours getting these boys outfitted for this party. I figured helping them out was the fastest way to get them on their way and out of my hair. I had my own plans and outfit to put on.

The last costume detail was to put a colored contact in my son's eye for him......it would have been easier for me to learn to twerk, but we managed to get it done without poking his eyeball out. We took historical pictures of them for social media and sent them on their way. I quickly went to put my costume on while my husband finished fastening our new toy to the ceiling.

We were so excited to explore our new found playground! My husband helped me climb into the swing face down....sort of "flying" like an airplane (arms and legs out) in my sexy costume. At that very moment, there is ANOTHER knock on our bedroom door. We just looked at each other and I start whisper yelling at my husband NOT to let the kids see me like that because I literally couldn't do anything but hang there. We learned that it takes two people to get in and out of this thing, particularly if you are face down.

This time, my husband (who is butt naked) cracks the door and sticks his head out and part of his naked body while he asked them "WHAT do you need NOW?" "I'M KIND OF BUSY". The boys quickly realized that they were interrupting our "alone" time and spat out what they wanted, which I think was money.

The conversation was interrupted by a loud CRASH!!! Yup. The swing fell out of the ceiling with my 115-pound body in it. I fell flat on my face in my sexy Halloween costume and the rest of the swing landed on top of me. Of course, EVERYONE heard it!! The boys exclaimed, "what was that"? My husband quickly shut the door and came over and asked me if I was ok. I honestly wasn't sure, since the wind had been knocked out of me and the swing landed on top of me after the initial impact of falling face-first onto the ground.

Needless to say, this is how the sex swing was introduced. My husband joked that the swing was haunted and I told him that he better call ghostbusters or something because it appeared as though his construction skills were haunted and that he would be haunted by the ghost of an empty sex swing if it didn't fix it and make it STURDY.

Now that my boys had a story to tell all of their friends at the party and the money they had asked for, they took off to enjoy the Halloween festivities. My husband went to work right away to repair the swingy thingy. I don't think I have ever seen him move so fast to get a job done. One entire screw box and several nuts and bolts later, he said we were back in business.

However, I made him get into the swingy thingy this time! I mean, this is worst than a "trust fall" where there is someone standing behind you to catch you. It takes a little bit of courage to trust screws in a ceiling. I take the perspective that if it is going to be funny later, it is funny now. Every time I see the photo I took of my boys on Halloween, it makes me laugh. I hope you get a good laugh too. True story.