Do Your Sexual Kinks Embarrass You?

A very close friend recently confided that she found it very erotic to be peed on by her lover. For her, its wasn’t dirty or particularly kinky, but rather an intensely intimate experience. It started as something they would do in the shower, and then grew from there. It’s still a somewhat rare thing for them, but she really, really likes it.

As she told me this — admittedly we were somewhat high and naked — I could completely understand her take on the fetish. It’s a warm liquid that we’re already intimately familiar with. Hygienically, it’s quite clean. And, objectively — if you keep yourself from thinking about that it is — the idea of it gently running over your body when you are in the throws of intimacy with your partner … that could be pretty sexy.

It made me think about the root of our kinks and also made me start to question whether they should be as taboo as they are. BDSM — being restrained and/or being made to experience pain — that one, to me, is somewhat obvious. We live our lives very much in control. Being given the opportunity to relinquish all control — it makes total sense that we would enjoy that. To be honest, I am a little more questioning of those who do not/would not enjoy this. I almost feel that, if we looked deeply, we would find that there is something maybe a little off in those who — with the right partner — would not like the restraint element of BDSM.

And the pain dimension of BDSM? This is a little more nuanced I think. In a world where we are constantly suppressing feelings and senses … I can fully appreciate why people crave the sensations that pain gives. Me — personally, I like it. Within boundaries and thresholds, I really like feeling an intense pain that, when leaned into, can be right on the line between pleasure and pain. My wife and closest male friend, however, not at all. My closest female friend — like me, she loves it. So, its not for everyone. And, in all cases, the qualifier to this — of course — is trust. This works only with people who really know your limits and with whom you can be 100% certain that they will stay within them.

But, should BDSM be taboo or counter-cultural? I don’t really see it.

How about kinks like puppy play or pony play? They are pretty ‘out there’. Dressing your partner like a little puppy and caring for them and commanding them. Or dressing them like a horse and riding them around. I’ve seen videos of this and a couple documentaries, and my knee jerk reaction is WTF. But then I thought about it. And I stepped back and chatted w friends about it, with a more open mind. Again, I started to think… why do I find either of these kinks weird? My wife and I love role play scenrios. And we love power exchange. Isn’t this just a form of each of these? I don’t actually think pony and puppy players are fantasizing about having sex with puppies and horses. The fantasy is a way of exchanging power. And doesn’t pretty much all sexual fantasy revolved around either exchange of power or exchange of partners. So puppy and pony play lovers — I get it. I don’t think it really appeals to me, but I get it.

Even further out there — actual sexual play with animals. I can’t quite get there on this. It’s the consent issues. Any form of sex without consent… I can’t justify that. But it did make me think of when Jessie Bering, in his book Perv, made the point that we’re ok with cows being hooked to electrodes and forcibly bred, but its odd that we are appaled by a farmer giving them a gentle hand job. At one level I get this, but I don’t think I’m quite sufficiently evolved to fully wrap my head around it. Clearly I still have a way to go in my open mindedness to kink.

So… where does this leave me? Definitely way more open minded to kinks. Definitely feeling society is way too quick to judge and condemn any sexual act that is beyond the norm. But would I want someone to pee on me? Hell yeah. And, because I’m in a sharing mood… I may have already … about 30 minutes into that very eye opening discussion. Cheers to evolving our views in kink.