Awkward First Romance

Chapter 3: Alex

Jack follows me to my car, a Lexus RC-F. It’s a gorgeous sleek black car with black and red interior that my dad bought me for my 18th birthday a month ago. Jack had come up for the day to spend time with me and likewise I went to visit him when he turned 18 two weeks ago. I startup my car and we drive off towards my grandfather’s house. Despite the house belonging to my father now, I still refer to it as Grandpa’s. My Dad does the same, though he obviously calls it his Dad’s.

Grandpa lived out in the middle of nowhere Missouri. The property shared two different counties and was roughly 30 minutes from my house. Believe me when I say middle of nowhere. There is barely a signal out there for your phone. The major internet companies weren’t even out there yet. They had to rely on satellite internet. I didn’t mind though. Because the area is so isolated, the night sky is perfect looking. There is zero light pollution. The scenery is gorgeous.

The drive down we talk about the upcoming year in school. It’s our senior year and I want it to be fun. The stress of college is over because we both were accepted to Sanctum University. It’s one of the top 10 schools in America. I’m going to study bio-engineering with an emphasis on planetary development. Jack wants to be a lawyer. I don’t think he decided on what path yet though.

One of the things I loved most about Jack is his love of theater. Despite being an introvert, he loved acting. Our drama department was doing a unique play this year. Unique being their approach. They are doing the Little Merman. They are gender swapping all the roles and my dear friend has gotten the villain role to play the man version of Ursula. Despite the new year not being for another week, Mrs. Z, the drama teacher already planned out the musical this year and she honestly did the changes for genders to get Jack into the role of Ursula. I laughed but he is super excited about it. He has been asking me to help him get abs so when he is shirtless on stage he looks good.

Jack didn’t need abs to look good. He was very attractive. Honestly I am surprised he hasn’t gotten himself a girlfriend. He is kind, beautiful, smart and is always thinking of others before himself. When I say beautiful, I mean that from a purely objective point of view. A guy can think another guy is attractive and it not be sexual in nature. Right? If I’m being honest, I don’t know anymore. Last night when we were in bed together I felt him pressing against me. He was hard. I didn’t want to say anything because I know it would have been very embarrassing for him. So I decided to be playful this morning and basically be naked to see how he would react. He freaked out and said some questionable stuff that makes me think he wouldn’t be ok with me if I was gay.

I don’t think I am or anything but I’ve been thinking about it lately. Other friends ask me why I haven’t dated a girl because I’m so good looking. I’ve always answered that I’m busy. Which is always followed up by someone saying “with Jack.” I get teased a lot about my friendship with Jack and it's never bothered me before but now, I’m really thinking about it. Is he just my friend? Do I really only see him that way or has there always been something there that I’ve chosen to ignore or been blind to? We have a special friendship but a part of me has begun to wonder if maybe I have more than just friendly feelings towards him. Dad is going to some medical conference Thursday. I figure with us being alone, it will be perfect for me to figure out my feelings. I want to try kissing him and see how it feels. I just hope it doesn’t go the wrong way.

Before we get to my grandpa’s, I stop at the gas station before the road to his neighborhood. I got Jack and I a couple of drinks. I drank coke and he drank pepsi. I always chastise him for it because coke is the best there is. Thankfully he usually gets cherry pepsi which is really good too. We finish our drive to my grandpa’s which is only another couple of minutes. I park the car and we go into the farm house my grandfather built. It’s a nice house and honestly I have considered living in it if I stay in Missouri, which is my plan but ya never know.

We put our drinks away in the fridge and grab a couple of water bottles from the fridge for our walk in the field and woods. My Dad owns thirty acres of land and is in the process of buying one of the neighbors land as well to connect it. The land is split between what is connected to the house and the land on the other side of the road. The land on the other side is connected to a pond and is good for fishing or swimming if you like to fish. I generally don’t swim in ponds or lakes because I don’t like not being able to see the bottom. I can swim but it freaks me out to not know what is around me. The few times I’ve been to the beach in Florida have been rough on my anxiety, especially because I have to hide that I have anxiety.

It’s one of the sad things about being considered this perfect boy. I’m not. I have anxiety problems and only my Dad knows about them. Not even Jack knows. I’m afraid of him seeing me as anything but his perfect friend. I don’t think he would ever disown me as a friend for being anything less than perfect but at the same time I am anxious about that kind of thing.

“I’m taking my shirt off since it’s so hot out. Even in the woods it will be hot, though not as bad as the sun. Are you going to take yours off?” I ask Jack. He is staring at me like I asked him to cut his own throat. He shakes his head. “Uh yeah, I didn’t think you actually meant we were going to walk and stuff. I thought we’d be playing games or something.”

I frown. “We could have done that at my house. Besides, I wanted to show you something I’ve been working on in the middle of the woods. You know that big open space we always went to when we were younger.” I say hoping to recover his memories.

“Isn’t that where you pushed that one jerk for calling me poor?” Jack asks with a little laughter in his voice. “I didn’t push him. I just neglected to mention there was a drop off in front of him.” I’ve always been protective of Jack. I slide my shirt off and toss it on a chair at the bar in the kitchen. Jack looks away and takes his shirt off. He does the same and places it on the chair with mine.

“I think you’ve been working out this summer. I notice a little muscle on you that you didn’t have before.” I say. I can’t tell but it looks like he tenses at my words. “Y-Yeah, gotta look good for the musical.” I chuckle at his stutter. Is he nervous?

“You don’t need to work out. I think you look great the way you are.” I say without thinking. Jack begins to choke on the water he started to drink. “You alright?” I ask as I go to him and pat him on his back. He begins to squirm and moves away from me. I don’t get it. He has never been shy about being touched before. We’ve always been physically affectionate friends. Does he really not like anything that can be viewed as gay now?

Jack finishes coughing. “Sorry, it went down the wrong pipe. I’m good now. Come on, let’s get out there.” Jack says. I decide to forget about him escaping my touch and just start walking to the back door. I unlock it and we walk outside onto the back porch. The backyard and by extension the field are separated by a wooden fence. It is so beautiful. I look at the white oak in the back. Dad planted it a long time ago after he lost someone very dear to him. The tree is still young as far as trees go but it’s gotten big. I’ve seen the pictures from when he first got it. He also planted two apple trees and I love them! Nothing like a fresh apple off the tree.

I close the door and we walk down the stairs into the yard. We walk down to the fence and climb over the rails even though there was a gate we could have used. We make our way through the field and down to the woods. We pass by my horses Star, Calibus and Roscoe. Well my Dad’s horses, but still I love them as if they were mine.

We haven’t been outside for more than five minutes and we were both already sweating. Light was already glistening off of Jack. He turns around and starts to walk backwards. He starts talking but my mind wanders to the danger of him walking backwards like that. This field wasn’t exactly flat. I also couldn’t help but notice the sweat dripping down his smooth torso. I can feel heat coming to my cheeks and I look away.

“Are you listening to me?” Jack asks. I am broken from my thoughts and smile. “Always and forever.” I reply. Jack gives me a suspicious look. “Really? Then what did I-” Jack is cut off by him tripping. I instinctively reach out and grab him by the wrist. I pull harder than I probably needed to and he crashes into me. We both fall to the ground with him on top of me. Since we are both wearing athletic shorts, the friction between us is very noticeable.

It doesn’t help that I am holding him as tightly as possible. We lie there like this for a few moments. It isn’t long before Jack has a little freak out and is struggling to get off of me. I am still kind of locked in the recovery phase of what just happened and won’t let go. That is until Jack starts cursing at me and forcefully pushing on me. I let him go and he jumps up as fast as he can.

I stand up and stare him down. “What is wrong with you?” I demand. Jack looks pale and flustered. “You’re always touching me or holding me and it’s weird! You have to stop it!” He shouts. I feel my heart sink at his words. I can’t let him see a change in my demeanor though. “What was I supposed to do? Let you fall?”

“Next time, yeah. You know I care about you like a brother but we’re grown up and we can’t keep acting like this physical stuff we do is normal or ok. I’m asking you to stop.” Jack says. I feel my anger anxiety turn on. It’s a weakness in myself that I try to control as best as I can but there are things that make it come out. I swallow my anger and pain. “As you wish.” I begin. I look away from him. “ Listen, it’s too hot for this today so let’s just head back inside or I can take you back to my house.” I say.

“Come on Alex. Don’t act like this. You know I don’t mean we shouldn’t keep doing what we were going to do.” Jack says defensively. I choke back my feelings. “I’m not really up to it because of the heat. I didn’t think it would be this bad. Do what you want but I’m heading back in.” I say. I turn around before he can say anything else.

I didn’t bother to look back to see if he was following but based on the sounds I assumed he was. I guess I have my answer then. He is definitely not gay. It’s for the best honestly. I don’t know how my Dad would feel about that. Then again I can’t pretend to know if I’m even gay. I just know that if it's Jack, I’m open to the idea of it. I couldn’t imagine dating any other guy. I can’t say if I’m homosexual, but I am pretty sure I am Jacksexual. God what a lame joke.

I can’t help but wonder what is going through his head right now. He is quiet and he usually is anyway but this was different. I want to ask him but I am angry and also anxious. I need to get in the house to calm myself with a glass of sweet tea. There should be some left in the fridge from a few days ago. After that I have no clue what we’ll be doing.