8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers

Girl on top? The only thing I'll be on top of this year is filing my taxes on time. My legs look and feel like two Twinkies that melted together so the only way I can pull off any position with "Cowgirl" in the title is by squatting like I’m pooping in the woods. Pinterest told me to do squats in between commercial breaks to build endurance, but come on. I’m not an Olympian.

1. Doggy (Not with Labradors, but Two Overweight Pugs)

I know porn tells us to arch our backs so far that we look like figure-skaters doing a Biellmann spin. However, porn also tells us we can pay pizza delivery guys with sex. Sure, it works in porn, but when I do it someone always gets hurt (or ends up paying $15 anyway). I prefer to do doggy the same way I dig for a slipper under the couch: face down, ass up, exasperated facial expression. Pretend you’re crawling through a tunnel to retrieve a mysterious fossil to spice things up.

2. Doggy (But You’re One of Those Dogs Missing its Front Two Legs)

Same as doggy, but you’re on your elbows instead of palms. If you believe in yourself, you can even be handsfree! This allows you to Google pictures of cute baby animals or eat a Cup Noodle.

3. Planking

Just lie there like you usually do, but this time you’re on your tummy so it’s technically a new position. Who says you don’t change it up?

4. Crime Scene Chalk Outline

You’ve gotta know your angles for this one. Essentially, you’re just lying there but one of your arms is bent above your head to provide a glamorous image for your partner to look at. Hitch up a crooked leg for extra glamour.

5. Touch Your Knees

It’s like touching your toes, but you don’t want to pull a muscle. Put a hand on each knee and squat slightly like you’re talking down to a rowdy child at your niece’s birthday party and get to work.

6. Goldilocks

You have to find a surface that is not too high, or too low, but just right. Then you sit on it while he stands and plows away. Just like the movies.

7. BDSM for Chumps

Trick your partner into tying you up. Oopsie, now you’re tied up and can’t move which means you can’t do any work or contribute physically! You’re welcome. Bonus: He now thinks you’re kinky. Downside: He now thinks you’re kinky.

8. Just Lying There

Just hurry up and finish so I can go back to watching Food Network.

I hope this list helps in your journey for sexual fulfillment without the effort. Join me next time when I teach you the art of the Blow-Internship (a blowjob without the payoff).

Originally published on Medium and Thought Catalog.