Today's the Day

You normally sit so still. Seeing you worry away at your thumbnail as you polish it over and over with the inside of your index finger is frightening me more than what we are going to do.

Maybe it's calming you. I'd try it, but you're holding my right hand too tightly, and the thumb on my left hand never has been able to bend enough to move in a circle after he broke it when he beat me last year.

If the thumb-polishing didn't give away your nerves I would have known by the soaking wetness that is pooled between our clasped palms. And now you are doing that slow breathing you've been teaching me: in through the nose for four beats, out through the mouth for five beats. In. Out. In. Out.

Are we really going to do this? Are we? Today?

~

CALM DOWN! Calm down! calm down. In. Out. In Out. In Out.

~

I'm scared, too. If you want to change your mind, if you want to forget about our plan, I promise that I will be OK when you leave. You could handle it and I will until I can leave, too.

And, really, I promise to be good, to be better, to stay quieter and not cause his headaches. If I can do that then he won't feel so sick and angry. He won't be so upset after he makes me be quiet.

I'm quiet now. I'm quiet now but your three quick squeezes let me know you know how I feel.

One squeeze for yes. Two for No. Three for I Love You.

I'm going to miss you so much. Who will give my hand squeezes? Who will sing me to sleep? Who will help me get the blood out of the sheets?

~

That's it. There you go. In. Out. In Out. In Out. You can do this.

~

I hear... I think I hear the car. The noise; the screaming noise the wheels make as he comes around the corner. Like a little bunny makes when the cats catch them. I wonder. Are there bunnies? Are there bunnies in the car that scream when he drives? Is he stamping hard on the bunnies when he goes around the corner?

He's going to be here. He's almost home. He's almost home and he's going to be mad at us because the chores aren't done. We should, we can still... OUCH!

Ouch! That hurt me- you're grabbing me too tight and my hand, your nails, my hand. Please. We can not do it. We can not do it today. He won't have to know what we were thinking. What we were going to do. Please.

You could stay. You could stay and I'll be good, and he won't drink anymore, and we'll feed the cats wet food and the bunnies will be safe, and.. and there's the car.

Oh. He's home. He's back. I can't look, feel my three squeezes! I love you! I love you! Are we going to do this?

~

Slowly. Slowly. In. Out. In Out. In Out. She's been so good. So quiet. Just a little longer. Just a little longer and we won't need to worry about him anymore. She can be a normal girl and not be afraid to sleep. And he will be.... he will be gone.

One squeeze for Yes, little Bunny. And- NOW!

~~~~

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