TheWrongChris18

I was lying in a zombified state on the bed. I wasn't asleep...just lying there. I can’t remember when I last properly got a good bit of sleep. Yes, I can. It was the day before that day. My contemplative staring where I was questioning everything and nothing was broken off only by a rank and funky smell. Checking my pits. Damn, it’s me.

Who cares? I don’t. Shrugging my shoulders with all the care and concern of a cat when you’re wiping a tear from your eye because they’ve just clawed your face because…it’s a hoot?

Washing seemed pointless at the moment. Yes, I know, how cliched this all seems, but I don’t really give a damn. I’m taking some solace in my depressive state. No one can take that away from me. No-one.

This is my pain, suffering and sadness and I want to experience every last bit of it. If I don't - then none of the last few years of my life really meant anything at all.

My phone starts vibrating on the bedside chest of drawers that I procured from a flea market before the world decided to pull the rug out from under my feet. There is a shameful layer of fine dust covering it. I know exactly who has sent the message and what the message is going to be about before I reach for my phone and read it.

Have you done it yet?

Nina - 1, whoever I'm playing against - 0. It’s Emily. There was no one else it could have been. Not at this time at night...or morning...I'm not really sure what time it is actually. The top right-hand corner of the screen assures me it's 5 am.

Anyway, I love her. Really, I do. She's the one person that gets me in the world more than anyone else. But I don’t have the energy to get involved in a philosophical debate. Especially when I know she’s probably right.

I know you’re picking up these messages and reading them, Nina

Dammit, she’s smarter than I thought. She saw through my ruse. Okay, that made me snort. At least my sense of sarcasm is still intact. I know where these messages are heading.

Have you reset your password yet?

Bingo! Nina - 2, invisible opponent - 0.

Here it comes, an insightful and succinct lecture from Ms Emily Bradford. What would I do without her? Actually, that last part is pushing it a bit too far. She’s always been a little star. I love her to bits. But it’s just too soon and too raw. Even though I know she makes a lot of sense. I don’t really want to give into sense right now.

I’m sorry babe, there is no point in dragging things out, the sooner you rip that dressing off the wound can start to heal. You know I love you.

She’s right. Of course, she is. But I don’t want right. I want things to go back to the way they were.

I’ve suddenly realised that during the pandemic, when that first lockdown happened and old BoJo and the gang slowly got into action that things were simpler. They were a lot scarier, sure. But, simpler. Though I didn’t enjoy the panic and strain on resources and complete shutdown of everything from the point of view that people lost their jobs or were living on less than usual, I loved the excuse to just stay in.

On that fateful day when we were told we needed to change our lifestyle and “stay at home to save lives”, I had been dating Dan for only a few weeks. It had been a quick progressive thing, though. We hit it off straight away. I was enamoured by his delicate charm and his gorgeous head of thick and curly dark brown hair. He had this wide-eyed optimism that really helped me get through some bad days. That and the sex. The homemade pizzas. The Netflix and the sex. At the time it was an easy decision for both of us – to move in together and form a bubble. That way we would still be able to see each other and give us a chance.

Us. Damn. You never notice how powerful that single two-letter word is until it no longer applies to you.

Us. That is, Dan and me, was the best Us I'd ever been part of, with the exception of the Us that consisted of Emily and me. That's different though.

Even when we were doing nothing at all, it always felt special. Like it was right if you know what I mean.

I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. I know he felt the same. I guess in the end, though, it wasn’t enough. That's why I am here lying in the same clothes I've had on since God knows when, with salty cheeks and mascara patches around my eyes.

I look and feel awful. Catching a glimpse of myself in my phone as it fades to black, I see the faint reflection of a very tired, dejected and panda-eyed girl.

Nina

God, she’s persistent. It’s one of her best qualities. She never gives in. Normally it's something I adore.

Under normal circumstances, we would be Facetiming now and having pizza or Chinese or both (yes, that’s happened more than once. Don’t judge us.) We’d put the world to rights, and she’d always bring me around. Her dumb giggle always made me smile.

Things were different now, though. And I didn’t need her world-weary insights.

That damn password is the only thing I have left of us. Him and me.

That stupid bloody password is more than just a password.

Like most people…Lockdown consisted of bingeing a whole lot of Netflix.

Good Girls, The Witcher (Henry Cavil!), Bridgerton, The Stranger, and eventually Squid Game. Even that awful 365 Days that I am still not sure how I feel about. I mean, it romanticises kidnapping and forcing someone to fall in love with you. Yes, I know that is pretty much Disney’s take on Beauty and the Beast. But that is just a fairy tale.

I’m obviously being very sarcastic there. Though I always loved Lumiere. Doesn’t everyone? Even Ewan McGregor’s take in that live-action remake.

Anyway…

Even the password itself was a call-back, a meta in-couple joke. Those kinds of things that you share with that one person that outsiders would not get. They may laugh out of pity but didn’t get it.

My argument was always that there are too many actors named Chris right now. What with Chris Pine, Chris Evans, Chris Pratt and Chris Hemsworth. “No, Nina, that’s the wrong Chris” became a mantra. So, when we changed the password on the Netflix account there was only one perfect choice. TheWrongChris18.

Even just thinking about that password makes me feel a flurry of emotions. The smile my weak mouth formed is quickly replaced with a sunken pout. I would hold back the tears if I had any more tears to weep.

That’s the problem. That password is the key to so many shared experienced. Like the ticket stubs for gigs and movies.

That password represents all the times we curled up together, either on the sofa or bed and laughed, jumped out of our skin, cried and you know, got it on.

God, I miss that.

No, perverts, not just that part. The whole thing. Though the sex was among the best I’ve had.

This is why it is so hard to reset that damn password. Everything feels so hard. Even trying to walk right now feels like I’m trying to walk through a storm akin to the Beast From the East.

I will eventually reset the password, of course. Emily is always right, after all. She’s my rock. The one good thing left in my life at the moment. Or that’s at least how it feels.

Things will get better. I will reset the password. I will move on. I will eventually let him go.

But for now. I want to wallow.

Wallow in the fact that our beautiful and magical relationship came to an end not because of some massive fight, not because he was cheating on me with my best friend’s dad or because of my secret Tinder account. But because it had run its course. Besides, he needed to move back to California to look after his sick mother, and I am still studying.

We needed space. We made it easier on each other by suggesting that it was not really goodbye and that it was a pause.

It wasn’t a pause.

If you’re wondering what the number in the password meant.

That always makes me smile.

That’s one special in-couple joke I’m not ready to share with anyone. If I ever will be.

*

So here it is. This idea had been sitting in my head for a good long time. This is for the Reset Your Password Challenge.

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If you like this, you may be interested in the other entry I have submitted for the Reset Your Password Challenge:

There are also some haiku I have recently published for the Quadru-Haiku Challenge:

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