The Pizza Lab

“Hello, Domino.”

Shelly imagined a chain-smoker with his burgundy suit and tie on the other side of the telephone. “Hello there! Can I order 2 vegan pepperoni pizzas to 21 Chicken Dinner please.”

“Sir, this is the biochemistry department at the Boris Johnson hospital in Thatherbury.”

“Oh! That’s a shame!”

Peering through the telephone list on the wall, Shelly found the pizza chain’s number written in red. “The number for Dominos Pizza is 02216 042042.”

“Thank you so much!”

If only phone calls could be that easy all the time. It was Shelly’s first night shift at the lab, and it felt so different to days. The artificial lights seemed stronger against the night sky outside. There was also less people than what she was used to. It was just her and Lily, one of the biomedical scientists who had become part of the furniture.

Lily marched over to pick up Shelly’s tray of blood samples. Her high heels clamped against the floor. “Somebody else wants pizza?”

Shelly nodded. “Now I’m hungry.”

“I don’t know why our lab gets stuck with the weird name. All the departments are named after famous singers.”

“Who’s Domino?” Shelly asked.

“Our lab is named after Fats Domino,” Lily explained. “Fantastic musician back in the day. But we can’t call it Fats Domino anymore because Tessa got offended.”

Shelly widened her eyes. “Offended? Really?”

Lily shook her head and frowned. “It dosen’t take much to offend her. She tried to get me sacked once! Had to write a formal letter of apology.”

“What did you do?”

“Tessa moaned about having to pay for two plane seats. You know how I normally bake cakes for people’s birthdays; I bought her a fruit basket instead.”

Shelly was thankful that no one else was around. “Ungrateful cow!”

“She detests me. We were in the same school. She envied physique, informed everyone I lost my virginity to the headmaster, and tried to steal my husband.”

Shelly couldn’t help but ask. “Did you lose your virginity to your headmaster?”

Lily’s mouth quivered. “In a way yes, and in a way…no.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“It’s true that I did sleep my former headteacher, but that was after I left school. We’ve been happily married for 25 years.”

“She’s really got it in for you.”

Lily nodded. Whipping out her phone, she said to Shelly. “I just ordered a pizza.”

“When is it coming?”

”Any time now!” Lily lit up a cigarette.

Shelly pushed herself against the window. “Should you be doing that?”

Lily shrugged her shoulders and laughed. “Nobody will notice. It will be just like the old days. We used to bring our cups of tea, and food and smoke.”

Coughing, Shelly couldn’t escape the fumes. She got up to open the window only to recognise the white BMW with the pink dog in the window. “Lily, she’s here!”

“Who’s here?”

“Tessa!” Shelly shrieked with her arms in the air. “Big boss Tessa!”

“Don’t worry about her!” Lily carried on smoking. “She won’t bother us. She’s hooking up with people. It’s okay. I’ve almost finished this.”

Eve half an hour later, the tobacco smoke lingered. Shelly kept herself on edge expecting the smoke alarm to go off at any time. Instead came Tessa with a mysterious man who introduced himself as Frank.

“Hello!” Shelly could tell that Lily was trying and failing to be polite. In Tessa’s hand was a slim red and blue cardboard box. From the cheesy smell, she knew what it was.

“Somebody loves me!” Tessa exclaimed, placing the box on the table. Tessa stroked the pizza box like a pet dog. “How kind they are to give this pizza came.”

Lily clenched her fists and bit her lip. Her red cheeks could be seen from miles away. Tessa kept herself composed as Lily went behind Tessa and stuck her middle finger up to her when only Shelly could see.

Lily swurved her arms behind her back and coughed. “That’s my breakfast.”

“Ah!” Tessa nodded, then took the box and made her way over to Shelly’s desk. Opening the box, Tessa took the biggest slice and devoured it. “Lovely pizza. Would you like a piece, Shelly?”

“I thought we’re not suppose to eat in the lab?”

“I won’t tell if you won’t.” Tessa laughed. When Shelly shook her head, she suggested that Lily should have some as she paid for it. Tessa rolled her eyes the moment Lily’s name was mentioned. “Come on, Frank! Eat some pizza.”

“Oh lovely!” Frank grinned as if he won the lottery. Taking two pieces of Lily’s pizza, he sniffed after the fourth bite. “I can smell smoke!”

“The neighbours are having a barbecue!” Lily said.

Tessa moved the pizza to the side to look at her watch. “At half past two in the morning?” After finishing her third slice, she inspected all the bins to find the ciggerette. She gave up after rummaging through the fourth bin. “I don’t know!”

Shelly didn’t know what to say. She thought Tessa was lovely, but after what Lily had said, she imagined devil thorns growing on Tessa’s head. Shelly did her best to book in samples, as well as load them on the analysers, but she could not help but be a fly on the wall. Imagine what the other lab assistants would say if they saw this happening. They wouldn’t believe it.

“About time you stopped daydreaming and finish off your E-learning!” Tessa snapped at Lily. Shelly frowned, wishing she had the nerve to tell Tessa to stick it where the sun didn’t shine. Her stomach churned when Tessa marched over to her. She got two blood samples from her pocket. “Here you go Shelly, sort these two samples out for me. Thank you so much!”

Shelly didn’t recognise the tests at all; nothing like the usual renal, liver and thyroid tests. She wasn’t even sure if they did them here. Maybe they’re ones to be sent away to an external lab? Tessa should know, she was the boss, but before she would ask her, Tessa had collared Frank

“Come on Frank, let’s go in here.”

“Did you see that, Shelly?” Lily hissed. “She stole my pizza!”

“There should be some left!” Shelly looked over at the box. It clearly had Lily’s name on it.

“That wobbly muppet is out to get me.” Shelly knew Lily wanted to say something much worse.

“Lily, I don’t know these tests. I have a RHAB and PDO!” She passed the samples over to her.

“The RHAB goes to Amy Winehouse, the microbiology department.” “They’ll go no, no, no, no, because it’s very frustrating test to do. As for the PDO test, you can bag it up and send it to Micheal Jackson, our immunology department!”

Shelly bagged up the samples to their rightful places. Walking past the sluice room, she jumped on the spot. She closed her eyes, thinking she was seeing things. A purple-laced bra dangled outside the handle of the sluice’s door. Then along came noises that churned Shelly’s stomach. Nothing wrong with what they were doing, there was clearly consent, but it was not how she wanted to think about her boss.

“Are they doing what I think they’re doing?” Shelly whispered to Lily, losing her appetite.

“How thick can she get!” Lily muttered, stuffing pizza in her face. ”Of all the places they could do it, why the sluice room?”

“Are you going to say anything?” Shelly asked. She never got round to cleaning the sluice because of the urgent samples that the porters delivered.

Lily shrugged her shoulders. “If anyone has to say anything it has to be you!”

“Why me?”

“Because the filthy skank will listen to you.”

“Okay!”

Gulping, Shelly knocked on the door.

“What do you want, Lily?” Tessa yelled.

“It’s Shelly!”

Tessa’s menacing tone vanished into one smooth like honey. “I’m afraid you can’t come in!”

“I just thought you’d like to know what’s where we process the urine samples.”

“YUCK!” Frank yelled. Shelly could hear the sound of ruffling clothes as Frank made a run for it!

“Nice one, Shelly!” Lily cackled with laughter. Eating the final piece of pizza, Lily posed victoriously as Tessa covered her breasts with her skirt.“Don’t worry Tessa! I won’t tell, if you don’t…”