The Argan Oil Chronicles

Argan Oil Pollution Reaches Record Levels-Dangerous Extraction Process Referred to as Smacking Mostly to Blame Experts Say

In the traditional argan oil extraction process after removing the fleshy pulp surrounding the nut of the argan oil fruit, the nut is cracked open to obtain the argan kernels which are the source of the desired argan oil. Until very recently the process of cracking the nut was done by hand with local Berber (indigenous Moroccan) women often recruited for the difficult and time consuming task. Following nut cracking the kernels are roasted and then ground and pressed to produce a brown colored mash which exudes pure argan oil. Using this method extraction yields from 30% to 50% of the oil in the kernels are usually achieved.

More recently the process referred to colloquially as ‘smacking’ has almost completely replaced the traditional method. Extraction by smacking requires a mixture of hot gases (most often methane and propane) to be pumped directly into the argan fruit nut until a high enough pressure is reached which causes the nut to literally explode from the inside out. The name smacking is said to refer to the noise the nut makes as it shatters right before it is incinerated in a massive outward explosion. The explosion releases the formerly trapped gases directly into the atmosphere where they act as potent contributors to depletion of the ozone layer and indirectly contribute to global warming. Since a portion of the argan oil containing kernels are also destroyed in the process, extraction yields are often as low as 5–10%. Moreover the explosions have killed and maimed several argan oil field workers who are afforded little in the way of protective equipment. Argan oil producers prefer the smacking process because it allows them to save fractions of a penny on the otherwise required human labor. Moroccan argan oil industry spokesmen Darifia Charming had this to say “I have to pay a Berber 50 cents a week to crack my nuts, but I can use the smacker and have my nuts cracked for 50 cents a month. Of course I am going to use smacking with labor cost savings that big.” He then turned and limped slowly away.

Author’s note: I hope you don’t think I am done because I am just getting warmed up. The humor tree also referred to as the argan tree is just beginning to bear fruit. I can drop two or three hilarious argan oil themed articles a week from now until the end of time if I so choose. Just wait, you’ll see.

Massive Argan Oil Spill Off the Coast of Morocco Puts an Entire Marine Ecosystem at Risk - At Least 50 Killed and Experts Warn of Environmental and Human Catastrophe

Explosion and fire in the Northern Atlantic ocean just north of Morrocan port city of Tangier. Huge mushroom cloud was purportedly visible “for miles.” The explosion was felt as far away as Seville in southern Spain. Resident complained of earth quake tremors and seismic sensors were triggered across the globe.

U.S. President Trump was informed of possible unannounced nuclear test aboard air force one

Straights of Gibralter passage at risk as giant argan oil tanker still leaking thousands of barrels of the precious hair and cosmetics oil

“This disaster could not have come at a worse time for the country of Morocco” says Moroccan president in emergency meeting of his cabinet ministers.

Comes on the heels of the disastrous failed Moroccan argan oil embargo of several European countries

Moroccan oil tanker UNC1654 known as the Empress of Argan listing badly and experts say it will sink

More to come on this late breaking story soon…..

Author’s note: You didn’t believe me when I said I could keep going and going and going, did you? Argan oil is only now coming into its own as the humor topic par excellence. You’ll see, you’ll all see.

Setting the Record Straight - I Have No Ties to the Moroccan Government or Any Financial Interests in the Argan Oil Business

Despite what some have intimated I am no paid shill of the argan oil industry or the Moroccan government. Yes I write about the topic frequently, and my popularity as a writer here does bring both free and generally positive publicity, but this is only a fortunate side effect of my own interest in argan oil. As my loyal readers know this interest stems solely and completely from its proven capacity as a humorous topic for satirical articles in the style of (but not copying or infringing on any trademarks or copyrights of) The Onion. I have never accepted a gift or a bribe of any sort though I would be very willing to if offered. In fact, if any rich Moroccan government ministers or fabulously wealthy argan oil executives are reading this I am available and open to any and all forms of payment or favors you wish to bestow. I will write whatever you want me to with no objections, ethical or otherwise. In fact if you tell me to write an article describing how argan oil has been proven effective in weight loss, I will write three. If you ask me to post a fact free, completely made up story about how argan oil saved the life of the Pope, I’ll write that plus I’ll add a section about how Jesus himself was thought to have used the oil as part of his daily health and beauty regimen. Call me or email me anytime! Please?

Argan Oil Precedes Dimethicone in Hair Conditioner Ingredient Listings for First Time Ever - No End in Sight to the Meteroric Rise of the Moroccan Oil

For the first time ever Moroccan argan oil has been listed prior to dimethicone in the ingredient listings included on every bottle of hair conditioner sold world wide. The list order is considered symbolically important as it indicates not only relative concentrations (the highest concentration ingredients come first) but also perceived value/importance to the product in which it is found. Argan oil is now listed among the top five ingredients in products representing the big three hair care product categories; shampoo, conditioner, and gel/mousse. This is the first time that feat has been accomplished by an all natural ingredient. How much bigger can argan oil get is the question everyone in the consumer beauty and personal care market is asking. How many more articles can this dude write featuring argan oil is the question everyone reading this crap is asking. There seems to be no limit to what this little oil from the land of Morocco can accomplish, and no limit to how many humorous stories featuring it can be written.