Humor

Born in 1964
That day started like any other day. Wake up, brush my teeth, get dressed, order the damnation of thousands, eat breakfast, etc. Geoffrey reminded me that we had public decapitations at noon the following day per the schedule. There was also apparently a rebellion in the south that would need quashing eventually.
By John Eva4 years ago in Fiction
The Shark Tank Cleaner
I didn’t like my job, but it paid well. Every day, I had to clean the waste from the tanks, but the shark tanks were the worst. They made the most waste, and it smelled like rotten meat. At least I had Shelia to help me.
By Alex H Mittelman 4 years ago in Fiction
The Secret Ingredient
The couch is very comfortable. So comfortable in fact, that it makes me never want to stand up again. I wonder if anyone has been crazy enough to have their own ass sewn into a couch before? It does sound painful, but you’d never have to get up ever again, and eventually, the pain of having your cheeks sewn to a couch will go away, and then you’ll be comfortable, basically forever.
By Alexander T Richardson4 years ago in Fiction
The Attack
The attack came in the middle of the day. I was sleeping fitfully at the time, my eyes twitching rapidly beneath closed lids. My limbs jolting as they subconsciously mimicked the quickening actions of my dream.
By Amy Lindop4 years ago in Fiction
Planet Tetro ~ Page 80
Siltana still had a few soldiers by her side . They rallied with a battlecry around her and we all fight each other for a while . Siltana cocked her sword back for a power slash and Jerry tried to block her . To no avail Jerry was also sent flying by her through the wall . I had been through the same thing and the whole situation felt like Deja Vu . ( We have the same term on this planet ). Luckily though , before Jerry was sent flying . We took out the rest of her guards . The last three standing in the room were me , Siltana and John . Although I’m sure Jerry and Bulls Eye weren’t out for the count . To me right now . We were at an advantage .
By Terrence4 years ago in Fiction
Planet Tetro ~ Page 79
She continued to laugh for awhile , even holding her stomach and wiping off tears . I started to wonder if she's been getting high with her magic . That is a thing in this world . People can get addicted to their own powers . Depending on the exact power and their addiction natures . Siltana then seemed to abruptly get more serious as she gathered herself and cleared her throat . She walked up to me , stared at me dead in my eyes . Then she asked me , " why are you here and how many more of you are there ?" I said , "I don’t know why I’m here . Drill voice mode activate electricity absorption . Drill voice mode activate wrap around head . " She gave me a shocked and confused look as my drill started to wrap around the helmet . I got sick of being captured and installed simple voice activated commands during preparation . I've been so excited about my moving arm upgrade . That I almost forgot that I added this capability exactly for situations like this . It made sense though . I am such an optimist focused on succeeding that I would be inclined to not think about my fail safes I prepare .
By Terrence4 years ago in Fiction
Planet Tetro ~ Page 78
One of the guards shouted at us to shut up . Now that we were actually speaking and it wasn't so dark anymore . I noticed that the soldiers were all of the Rottweiler dog race . We have a few Rottweiler dogs back home . I wonder if they are related in any way . The Rottweiler guard that told us to shut up continued to speak while I was thinking . " There is no way that you guys are getting out of here now . In fact I don’t even know what made you guys think that you could invade our village ! Either way once Siltana turns the four of you over to our master . He's going to going to get to the bottom of things if Siltana somehow can not . The worst part is that once Siltana and our Master are done with you , there will be nothing left ." We complied and stopped talking because we were at a disadvantage at the moment. Best to be silent . It would probably be best to follow orders for now .
By Terrence4 years ago in Fiction
Planet Tetro ~ Page 77
The sun was starting to rise and at this point you could to hear the frightened villagers screaming in fear from inside their homes . Some of the guys from the homes came out side shouting and yelling to confront us only to get knocked out . We were ordered to take it easy on the civilians. So we made sure not kill or injure any of them and we kept it moving. The chief would be proud of our discipline that we are showing .
By Terrence4 years ago in Fiction
The Teller
“In twelve days, you’ll find everything you’re looking for, Ms. Harmsworth. You’ll be able to pay everything back in no time at all,” I told her. The future I saw for her was bleak, unable to pay back the loan the bank was going to give her, so they would foreclose on her house and sell off her assets. It didn’t matter to me, the bank was paying me to ignore the negative visions and use my reputation as the world’s greatest psychic to convince people to take a loan.
By Alex H Mittelman 4 years ago in Fiction
Planet Tetro ~ Page 76
We tried to hide amongst the trees . As they got closer to us , we knew we were spotted . They were just trying to play it cool until they could get close enough to surround us or something . John yelled for everyone to run and we took off . I said this way and pointed in the direction that I first heard the louder fight happening . If it was Draco and the robed guy this would be the perfect time for us to provide backup . I explained this to everyone as we ran .
By Terrence4 years ago in Fiction
Planet Tetro ~ Page 75
Just when I thought I couldn’t breathe anymore , I heard a loud but muffled scream . Yes I said to myself as I slowly regained my breath. Bulls Eye must’ve got it done it just in the nick of time . When she was focused on taking me and Jerry and John , out he must’ve got her right in the nose or mouth. She must’ve been dying because her magical cloth started to slowly disappear . I guess it was a fatal blow .
By Terrence4 years ago in Fiction
Break Room Talk
"Kobayashi. For me, it always starts and ends with him. I have no one else to blame but me. Ever since I was a kid, he always got me into trouble. Now I'm suffering the consequences of his actions like always. Kobayashi… Sometimes, I wonder what it would have been like if he hadn't found me. I could've lived an everyday life, but that would've been too boring. No going back, and no regrets!" Jaina explained with her slight southern accent in the breakroom of the twenty-four-hour WallyMart that employed her. She surveyed the empty chairs occupying the tables surrounding her with a lazy eye and tried with a desperate effort not to pay heed to the loud tick-tock of the clock on the clinical-colored breakroom wall.
By Ben Soto4 years ago in Fiction