Sorrows Remedy

I was staring out the window into my neighbor’s yard, admiring her beauty. Some might find this creepy or weird, but they didn’t understand. I have autism, and was uncomfortable socializing with new people. Most times when I tried, people would laugh and make fun of me, or find an excuse to walk away from me.

I was in love with her though, I just needed the guts to ask her out. Every time I’ve tried, I’d stutter, ask her something else or I’d stop speaking entirely.

I heard a whirring sound outside and opened my door to see what it was. There was a drone outside, and it had dropped off a package. The drone whirred off, and I noticed a note on the package. I opened it up and read it.

“Dear Leonardo Salmonson, inside the box are thirteen lucky roses that I’ve gleefully blessed with magic. Each rose you give someone will increase your odds of getting a date. Enjoy, and invite me to your inevitable wedding. Love, Mom.”

“Gee, thanks mom,” I mumbled. This was so like her, always doing hippie things like sending me herbal remedies, healing crystals and Himalayan salt lamps. Because of her, I have the world’s largest lava lamp collection in my garage. I can’t fit my car in there my collection is so big. Now she’s blessed these roses with magic and sent them to me, too. This sounded ridiculous, but might as well give them a try though, I was desperate for a girlfriend.

I went for a walk to see if I could find anyone to hand a rose too. I saw an attractive girl running in my direction listening to headphones.

When she got close enough I said, “Excuse me, ma’am. I have a question.”

“Are you lost?” She asked while removing one of her headphones.

I handed her a rose and said, “Would it be ok if I asked you out? We could go for coffee.”

“With you. Gross, I don’t think so, weirdo,” she said, then grabbed the rose out of my hand and stomped on it. She then jogged off.

“That’s some powerful magic, thanks again mom,” I mumbled. I walked home and got into bed. I was feeling depressed.

“To hell with these roses, I’m throwing them out,” I shouted. I threw them in the trash then closed my eyes.

I laid in bed for a few minutes and my confidence slowly returned.

“No, I’m not giving up today,” I told myself. I got out of bed, put my sweatpants, slippers, bathrobe and sunglasses back on, dug the roses out of the trash bin, then drove myself to the mall.

I went inside, then handed a rose to the first cute girl I saw.

She looked me up and down, then said, “You can’t be serious. Try wearing some normal clothes, freak.”

“You’re not very nice. And what do you mean by ‘normal’ clothes?” I asked.

“You know, jeans, shoes and a shirt. Lose the bathrobe, loser,” she said. She jogged away and threw the rose in the garbage.

“Thanks for the tip,” I said. I never understood why people were so mean. Just because I’m different doesn’t make me a bad person. I have feelings too, just like everybody else. If you’re not interested in me, fine, but be nice about it.

I drove home and changed into what the mean lady called ‘normal clothes,’ then drove back.

I handed a rose to another girl who said no, then another and another until I was down to my last rose.

“Oh, what’s the point,” I said and threw my last rose in the garbage. I started to walk away, then a child had taken the rose out of the garbage and handed it back to me.

“It’s ok, kid. You keep it,” I said.

“My mom saw what happened and says don’t give up, or things will never go your way,” the kid said.

“Your mom’s right, kid. You should never give up,” I said and took the rose from her. I still planned on throwing the rose out, I just didn’t want to do it in front of the kid.

The kid walked away with her mother. Right before I threw the rose out I saw my neighbor. This could be my one shot to confidently talk to her. I went up to her and handed her the rose. Before I had a chance to speak, she said “thank you,” and walked away. Well, today was a waste of time.

I drove home and called my mom and told her everything that happened.

“You know those roses weren’t really magical, dear. I just said that so you’d have the confidence to ask someone out. And look how well you did, you asked thirteen women out,” My mom said.

“Well, twelve. I never got the chance to ask out the neighbor. But look where my confidence got me, nowhere. Not one date, so what’s the point. I did get called a loser and a freak again. That didn’t feel too good,” I said.

“Those people are jerks, honey. If I find out who they are, I’ll beat them up for you. Then I’ll toss them into a volcano, because nobody calls my son a freak. Or a loser. I’m sorry that happened. But you don’t know for sure you didn’t get a date. Why don’t you go to your neighbor’s house and ask if she liked the rose. Who knows, maybe you’ll get her number,” Mom said.

“Yah, right. Like it’s that easy,” I said.

“Just try. Go now and ask. If she says no I’ll get you something nice,” Mom said.

“Fine. But if I fail, the only thing I want is money. So if she says no, you owe me a hundred dollars,” I said.

“Fine, it’s a deal. And thirteen is a lucky number,” she said. I exhaled.

“Yah, ok mom. Lucky,” I said.

I walked across the street and knocked on my neighbor’s door. My heart stopped when Lyla opened it.

“Oh hey. You’re the guy that gave me the rose earlier,” Lyla said.

“I am. I’m also your neighbor. I hope that’s not lame,” I said.

“Not at all. I thought that was very sweet,” She said.

“That’s great. Would y-y-you l-l-like to… like to…” I tried to say.

“Would you like to come inside? I’ll make you a coffee and we’ll snuggle by the fireplace,” She said.

“Really?” I asked.

“Of course. You’re the cutest guy I’ve seen from a hundred miles around,” She said.

“Well, I’m glad all the cuter guys are a hundred and one miles away,” I said.

“You’re funny,” She said and smiled. I walked inside and she put her arm around my shoulders. I guess mom was right, all I needed was a little confidence. I’d call her later and thank her for the roses.

Copyright © 11/23/2022 by A.H. Mittelman. All rights reserved.