Humor
Stupid Marriage. Stupid Bombs.
Life in a bunker can make a girl go crazy if she doesn't get ahead of it and stay busy. I never really bought into the whole preparedness craze that swept through the country in the years before the war. David was the one who insisted on pivoting our savings and discretionary budget into what he mirthfully called our "home beneath the loam", and since he brought in the money and supplied the dad jokes and typically asked for nothing in return I ended up not only humoring him on the endeavor, but also convincingly feigning interest when he got excited about the bunker planning and fell wallet first into the “prepping” subculture.
By Nicolas Sexton3 years ago in Fiction
SARS-CoV-2 Vaccine Researcher Beginning to Get Kind of Tired of Constantly Having to Save the World
Author's note: Dearest Moderators, I am writing this author's not to apologize for my previous submission of this story which came in at <600 words thus not meeting the requirements of at least 600 words for any story to be published in the pages of this long admired and well established icon of the new media business, Vocal.media. I should have read the rules of this legendary enterprise before shelling out the $99 required for a one year membership. Had I done so I would not have made the grave error of submitting a story that did not meet the word count minimum. In retrospect it was ridiculously stupid and short sighted of me to think that anything meaningful or interesting or humorous could be said in <600 words. I mean, what was I thinking? Particularly in this day and age people are known to have very long attention spans and they hate reading things which are short and to the point. They much prefer to slog through dense, long form, serious content that they can spend hours of their plentiful free time perusing at their leisure and reading over and over again. I am just about the dumbest person alive now aren't I? Duh? Oh well, I won't make that mistake again and am proud to present to you the new and improved 600 word + edition of my original humorous satirical article written in the classical fake news format pioneered by the truly legendary humor magazine, The Onion. Of course The Onion has nothing on Vocal.media when it comes to gravitas or reputation but they are still pretty OK, for a bunch of hacks. I am pretty sure the word count of this now exceeds 600 but I am too lazy to plop it into Microsoft Word to check so I will rely on you, the fine moderators at Vocal.media to do that tedious task for me. If only the website itself included a word count function or feature of some sort. I guess that is probably asking for too much for a $99/year subscription to this religious and graphic content free new media publication with stories all of at least 600 words. How's that for expanding upon my ideas and resubmitting? Pretty darn good I'd say.
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Fiction
Boss Babez
Gwen didn’t know how to scroll through the Fort Hood Wivez Facebook page without throwing up. She hadn’t been prepared for middle of nowhere, Texas. The wives seemed like sun damaged Hooters waitress copies of each other: Mike’s hard lemonade, yellow pregnancy positive pregnancy sticks, orange knock off Uggs, low-waisted yoga pants, Spencer’s gifts, Monster energy, Icing, Victoria’s secret bedazzled lace thongs--as itchy as it was tiny--and their trucks with Jesus bumper stickers.
By MacKenzie Molar3 years ago in Fiction
How I Killed the Bugger
I relaxed in my bed after a hard night of cleaning about half my room. I am now convinced The Dreaded Centipede is indeed gone, having spent the better part of 3 hours stomping around and moving things to ensure this. So I now snuggle into my new made bed, feeling itches and tingles every other minute, instead of every minute. I relax and feel the built up tension ease away.
By Rose Armitage3 years ago in Fiction
Open Heart and Empty Heads
You know what I hate about living in a post-apocalyptic world? Most people would say it’s the zombies, but personally, I don’t see what the big deal is. First, zombies are really slow and they’re always moaning, so it’s not like they can sneak up on you. Second, one bullet in the head and they’re down. As long as you don’t panic and do something stupid like tripping when you’re running away, zombies aren’t so bad. They’re definitely not as bad as those motorcycle gangs in bondage outfits that are always looking for “juice” for their vehicles. If the dopes didn’t spend so much time driving around, they wouldn’t need so much “juice”. But again, they mostly have little crossbows, so as long as you’re armed, not much of a problem. Actually, last time I saw some of them I said they could find “juice” in an area that I knew had zombies. I figure, two birds with one stone.
By Antonella Di Minni3 years ago in Fiction
Can't Argue
I can't argue. When the world ended and the dead roamed the earth one year ago, I couldn't argue with who took me in and kept me safe, my Marine dad, and this weird not-so-government group called Red America. It's really just whatever's left of the U.S Army telling everyone left what to do. My dad loves them. Me? Well, I can't argue.
By Kevin Williams3 years ago in Fiction
How I conquered my fear but not really
In general I am a calm girl, I don't freak out often. "No no no no no I will not, I WILL NOT. I will sit out here in my towel until someone destroys that million-legged freak!" I really hate centipedes, and am somewhat sleep-deprived. I had played video games until 2 in the morning, then went to bed. As I slowly sank into my bed, waiting for sleep to come, I realized that I had not stopped sinking into my bed. I listened to the hiss of air for awhile before deciding that the patch I had put on my bed had not held.
By Rose Armitage3 years ago in Fiction
Dear Interface
[System Entry #011819 - Earth_Human_Survey_Day_1/5] Dear Interface, Today I saw them. Not just an image of them, but real, breathing humans. They’re disgusting. Their physical form is not morphologically dissimilar to that of an ape – another species which also inhabits this planet. The humans, however, seem to have a sense of superiority – and much less hair. Of course, this isn’t new information, but to see one of them up close was still astonishing nevertheless.
By J. R. Lowe3 years ago in Fiction