Boss Babez

Gwen didn’t know how to scroll through the Fort Hood Wivez Facebook page without throwing up. She hadn’t been prepared for middle of nowhere, Texas. The wives seemed like sun damaged Hooters waitress copies of each other: Mike’s hard lemonade, yellow pregnancy positive pregnancy sticks, orange knock off Uggs, low-waisted yoga pants, Spencer’s gifts, Monster energy, Icing, Victoria’s secret bedazzled lace thongs--as itchy as it was tiny--and their trucks with Jesus bumper stickers.

Josh had warned her that some of the other gunny’s wives could be psycho. Gwen was sure that Texas couldn’t be that different from Ohio. She had loved going to the military balls and hanging with the other boots’ girlfriends. Her and the girlfriends laughed at the crazy boots who’d married strippers even faster than they’d gotten nicotine addictions.

Everything had been so much simpler when Josh was just a boot. A year ago, Josh was just some cute guy who’d graduated from her high school. He’d just been an alumni at the homecoming game. Soon enough, he was her first kiss, her first boyfriend, her first person to ask if she was safe living with her mom. Within twelve months, Gwen had moved 3,000 miles from home for a tiny ring and moldy base housing.

FORT HOOD WIVEZ GROUP (560 MEMBERS)>>> Maci “Mrs. First Lieutenant” Croicks POSTED AN UPDATE

Lovies, anyone know a good nail place??? My nail girl=hot trash. Shes a barracks bunny. She kept asking about my life?? She after my hubs? Here’s a pic of how bad my nails are :( asked for coffin but got square

LIKE (47) COMMENTS (9)

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Maggie Grundel - Wat nail place was it?

Aisha Kent - Oooo tell us the name of the nail girl?

Gwen had only joined the wives’ page a minute ago but she already wanted to delete her Facebook app entirely. A red notification popped up. It was a direct message from the administrator of the Fort Hood Wivez page.

MACI “MRS. FIRST LIEUTENANT” CROICKS WANTS TO SEND YOU A MESSAGE:

Hi girlie!!!! My First Lieutenant told me that your Josh’s new wife! So cute! I

went to stalk your profile but couldn’t find anything lol. Looks like you draw

anime and stuff which is super cool! Anywhooo me and my ride or die are

gonna hit up half price apps tomorrow. I’d love love love if you’d join us.

Hubby told me you haven’t made friends :( I totallyyyy get it, barracks life is

SO hard. I have a super awesome crew I’d love you to join <3

Gwen licked the Dorito dust off her thumb, ready to hit “Delete Message.”

Josh saw it over her shoulder though. Josh managed to get his hand into her armpit. It only took one tickle before the phone flew out of her hands. Josh snapped the phone off the floor.

“Look, they want to hang out with you,” Josh said. “I know her husband, he’s cool. She could introduce you to the other wives.”

“If I wanted to hang out with military wives,” Gwen said. “I’d just go into the commissary and wait in the diaper aisle.”

“I’m not like other girls,” Josh imitated. “I’m Gwen. I code. I’m never gonna get married. Okay, so I might get married at nineteen, but I’m different. I’m not like the other military wives.” Josh motioned to their wedding pictures on the end table.

Josh loved the photos, every single one of them. He tucked the photos in his pocket, wallet, and sun visor in the car. Gwen wished she could cut herself out of those pictures. He drew enough attention away from Gwen’s flat hair and frumpy dress. No wonder everyone thought Josh would cheat as soon as he got deployed. A gorgeous marine travelling around the world couldn’t possibly go up against death and want to come back to a Gwen. Gwen understood she was a 6, maybe a 7 on a good day. The last thing Gwen wanted was to be around all the styled, confident wives who could smell Gwen’s hair grease from a mile away.

“I’m not going,” Gwen said. “Maci seems like she could give me a migraine. I’m swamped with assignments, anyway.” She burrowed into her weighted blanket.

“Don’t you want to talk to girls who could understand? Me and the guys, we get each other. I’m sure all the wives could relate to you.” Josh said.

“I’m sure all those paycheck-sucking wives are really worried about finishing college!” Gwen used her patronizing white girl impression. “I’m sure I’m just like them. Maybe I can help them study for their GED’s! I mean, I’d help them study for their ACTs, but hell knows they aren’t finishing college.”

“You think you’re better than them,” Josh said.

“No!” Gwen said. “I do not. You’re putting words in my mouth.”

“Okay, go hang out with them then,” Josh said.

“I have no interest in reliving high school, thank you,” Gwen said.

“Babe,” Josh said. “Not every girl is out to get you.”

“Do you want Chinese? I have the menu here somewhere--”

“Chinese? And risk you puking all night again? Wait, you’re changing the subject,” Josh said. He tossed her phone onto her lap. “Friends. Female ones.”

Gwen inspected the inside of her Nutella container. Josh grabbed the Nutella from Gwen’s hands. She stared at him. She slowly pulled a second bottle of Nutella out from under her blanket. Her blanket had chocolate stuck to it, but it already was made of mostly stains anyway.

Josh sniffed the jar in his hand. “This smells expired.”

“No,” Gwen said through a full mouth. “Couch Nutella and Coffee Table Nutella aren’t expired. Bathroom Nutella and Shoe Rack Nutella might be a little moldy.”

“Ew, babe, have you just been eating this straight out of here with a spoon?” He pulled the orange plastic stick out of the gooey chocolate. It was a Nutella-covered Pez dispenser.

“Gwen!” Josh said.

Gwen pulled her glasses off and pretended to clean them. She could feel Josh’s eyes as she rubbed an imaginary spot off the lens.

“What are you gonna do when I’m gone, huh? For what, six months, a year?” Josh said.

“I’ll have lots of time to write you letters,” Gwen said. “And I’ll have finals and studying and stuff.”

“Python and Java won’t hang out with you,” Josh said. He scooped up chocolate with the Pez dispenser and took a bite. “Even HTML would get tired of watching you watch Doctor Who.”

“I’ll just hang out with my school friends,” Gwen said.

“You’re in online school. With coders. They don’t even know how to form sentences,” Josh said. He grabbed a corner of Gwen’s blanket. She firmly held onto the blanket. Josh slowly tugged the blanket away from her.

“Fine. Once,” Gwen said. “I will see this girl once.”

----

Gwen waited at the hostess counter of the Applebee’s, wondering if she had enough time to leave before anyone saw her. She checked her phone again, like something new would have magically appeared since she checked two minutes ago. Up at the bar, Maci and Natalie tottered on bar stools, their plastic heels dangling.

Natalie’s eyes lit up when she noticed Gwen. Natalie frantically waved her over. When Gwen got to the bar, Natalie jumped up to hug her.

Maci perched on her stool, swirling the straw around in her drink. She took a long sip from her Airheads Sour Gummy Margarita.

“Oh my god,” Maci said, dragging her gaze from Gwen’s unpolished toes to her grown-out roots. “I’m so glad you came. Josh is always telling everyone about how you never see people. So we’re super excited you could make the time.”

“Thanks--” Gwen began.

“Like I said in my DM,” Maci said. “I get that it can be hard being at a new base. It took me a whole week to make friends. Mostly because I’m way too busy. It’s like, oh now I have to go to a corporate retreat. Or now I have to take a work call. I’m so jealous of stay at home moms like Natalie.” Maci scrunched up her nose.

“I mean, there’s lots of different kinds of busy,” Gwen said. Natalie smiled gratefully.

Natalie smiled. “I think that’s awesome of you, Gwen,” Natalie said. “Yeah, I don’t remember the last time I got to read either. I do read ATV Monthly to Brady and Buck, of course. Those boys just won’t sleep until they see a four-wheeler.”

“Your sons?” Gwen said.

“My two dogs,” Natalie said. “My kids don’t like it when I read to them. They like it better when I just turn on YouTube Kids. Some Indian cartoon man always sings them to sleep.” Natalie pulled out her phone and showed Gwen a dozen blurry pictures of her dogs.

Maci drained her margarita to the bottom. Her acrylic nails tapped against the sticky bar surface.

“Uh, Maci, I like your nails.” Gwen said.

“Thank youuuuuu,” Maci cooed. “That’s so sweet. I just have to get my claws every two weeks or I feel naked.”

“It’s the self-care, the little things that keep you going when your man’s on deployment,” Natalie said.

“How those enlisted’s wives make it on that $200 a month is beyond me,” Maci said. “I don’t even know what I’d do if I had to cancel my juice detox subscription.”

“There’s nothing like being a Mrs. Officer. Hardest job in the military,” Natalie said.

“Money was so tight for us before PureProducts. I mean, like, come on, how am I supposed to become a Target Circle gold member on a first lieutenant salary?” Maci said.

Gwen’s forehead scrunched together. “I didn’t know you were in the military too, Maci.”

“Uh, what do you mean?” Maci snorted. “I feel like I’m at the base gate right now. Like when the enlisted looks at me all scared because he knows I’m Mrs. First Lieutenant Croicks.”

“They’re supposed to salute us,” Natalie said. “The enlisted boys. Since we’re their superiors, you know?” Natalie’s linebacker shoulders stuck out from her softball player’s build, poorly disguised in a Forever 21 get up. Natalie’s postpartum belly poked out from her top, her swollen belly button ring snagging on her shirt’s shredded hem.

“I try to help the enlisted wives out,” Maci said. “I really try. I send them super encouraging messages. They don’t have to stay stuck. There are a billion options.” Maci pulled out her phone. “Do you work, Gwen?”

“I mean, I’m a student. Full time,” Gwen said.

“Ugh, and school is majorly expensive!” Maci said.

“Yeah,” Natalie nodded. “I’d never want to be a Dependa. Like, I’d die before I had anyone thinking I’m using up my husband’s TriCare and benefits and stuff.”

“Me and my girls go to Nashville for a week every summer. You should totally come,” Maci said. Maci reached over to tuck a strand of Gwen’s hair behind her ear.

“Totally,” Natalie said.

“I don’t know,” Gwen said.

“It’s all paid for. I mean, you have to pay for your own food, obviously. But otherwise, it’s all-inclusive,” Maci said. “My company has the best perks ever. All you have to do is post a couple things on your Insta story and you get a bunch of free stuff.”

“Really?” Gwen said.

“Yeah, for sure, it’s such a sweet deal,” Maci said. “Here, I’ll add you to the group chat of all of us who go.”

Gwen took a minute to scroll through the “Maci’s PureProductsBossBabes” group chat. “Um,” Gwen said, “is this like a networking thing?”

“I mean, yeah, PureProducts wants you to use their stuff on the trip. It’s advertising, ya know? The company gets people to advertise for them. Who looks at billboards anymore? The Kardashians are like billboards,” Maci said. “Which is so weird because we get to go to Nashville and the company gets, what, maybe three extra clicks? You have to come with us.”

“We rent a yacht,” Natalie said.

“You just have to buy this little starter kit,” Maci said. “It’s only like $200 bucks but you get all this stuff! And it pays for itself.” Maci snapped. “So fast. Just $200 for this stuff you can sell in days. Think about that compared to just trying to go to Nashville. The Air BnBs, the gas money, ugh I could never!”

“So I have to sell stuff to go on this trip?” Gwen said.

“It’s your own business,” Maci said. She pulled a clear bag from her purse. “You can work from your phone! Imagine you’re bored in your class but you’re making money just by having something up on your Insta story!” Maci placed the clear bag of bottles on the counter. “Take it, Gwen. It’s $90 worth of samples.”

“I couldn’t,” Gwen said.

“Don’t be weird about it,” Maci said. “Go ahead.”

“But who do I sell this stuff to?” Gwen asked. She ran her fingers over the bottle of Heat Protectant Bounce and Shine Hair Serum.

“Literally everyone is just looking for something to fix their hair. I know I’d pay anything for dry shampoo,” Maci said. “You just have to sell some. Then hellooooo Nashville!”

“Does this stuff actually work?” Gwen said.

“The detox tea was a life saver,” Natalie said. “The one in the green bottle. I didn’t take birth control cuz I didn’t want to gain weight.” Natalie motioned down at her stomach and laughed. “My dumb butt didn’t realize that babies are the worst side effects of that. As soon as I popped out my last one, I wanted to shed that extra chub off ASAP. The detox tea got me into my pre-baby jeans so fast.”

“Carrie’s gonna need lots of it,” Maci laughed. “I saw her at the CVS. Plan B, of course.”

“Oh my god,” Natalie said. “She looked ratchet in the picture you sent to the Boss Babes chat. She didn’t even drive out of town to get it!”

“I hope Skeeter doesn’t get bank alerts on his phone,” Maci said. “Imagine trying to explain to your deployed husband why you spent seventy bucks at CVS!”

“Who’s Carrie?” Gwen said. Gwen had heard gossip about herself hundreds of times. She had spent hundreds of lunches eating alone in the locker room. Gwen got a reminder every time she looked at her right love handle. A small scar lingered from the cleet the one soccer girl had dug into Gwen’s back. The soccer girls, ten of them, crowded around where Gwen had lain on the floor. The flash of their iPhone cameras, the snorting laughter---

“Carrie’s this crusty rando,” Natalie said.

“She thinks sleeping with every dude in E company is a personality trait,” Maci added. “I went to high school with her. She was a total barracks bunny, hopping from bunk to bunk until some boot was desperate enough to marry her. Skeeter’s paycheck’ll be going to some other dude’s kid though. CVS was out of Plan B.” Maci smirked. “Considering I bought it all up.”

“Oh my God!” Natalie laughed. “You’re so bad!”

“I returned it as soon as she left, obviously,” Maci said. “I’m still laughing. The look on her drug store makeup face! She totally freaked out.”

“You didn’t want her to get her Plan B?” Gwen said. “Is she okay? Do you know what happened?”

Maci and Natalie exchanged a look. Maci drug her Invisalign teeth over her bottom lip.

“So,” Maci said. “Are you coming to Nashville?”

Gwen could leave. She could eat lunch alone forever. She was good at it. She could stay in her and Josh’s apartment. She could wait each day for him to come home. She could maybe FaceTime one of her friends back home.

“If high school you could see you,” Gwen thought. “Wouldn’t she just kick the crap out of you if you turned this down?”

“Nashville,” Gwen said. “Let’s do Nashville.”