Humor
Aunt Flow
Here we go again, and it started at work. Now I'm a mess and hot, my stomach hurts and all I can think of is chocolate. Four hours left to go and I am not going to make it. Who invented cramps? I need to sit down and have a conversation with Ms. Cramp maker. At what point in my creation did you think ‘ hey lets rip out the inside lining of her organ and make it as painful as possible while causing excessive bleeding, hot flashes and bloating.’ Oh well back to my desk I go, with my paper towel sanitary napkin because my pads are in my purse. Which coincidentally is at my desk next to my wet wipes. Well now that I have taken care of that issue, Back to work. This computer is moving so slow, or maybe I'm just moving fast. I want some chocolate, I wonder if the vending machine has a candy bar. I'm going to go check, hope no one is paying attention to the fact that I have not done a damn thing since I went to the bathroom. I'm actually kinda tired, I want to go to sleep. My legs feel like jello, why am I so heavy with all this stomach. Wow and now I'm gassy, great hopefully I can hold it until I get near the vending machine. There is no one over there and this might not be a quiet one. Oh no I might not make it! OK let me walk a little faster. Finally! and not one candy bar, damnit and that was not a quiet fart. Someone had to have heard that somewhere in this office. I'm just gonna walk real fast and not make eye contact with anyone one. Back at my desk, breathing heavily, that little walk took everything out of me. After all that still no chocolate and I would kill for some chocolate right now. It's almost break time, maybe the cafeteria has a cookie or some cake. I'm going to sit here this whole time watching the clock thinking about possibly getting some chocolate at lunch. I still have yet to do any work. I don't want to be here right now. I'm tired and my feet hurt plus it feels like my stomach is about to explode. That was a quiet little fart great, but omg why does it smell like that. What did I eat for dinner last night, that smells absolutely awful. I cannot do that again I may pass out and then someones gonna have to come over here to relieve me and smell that and pass out themselves. I'm gonna have the whole office running from the funk. I gotta stop being so hard on myself its not me its the gas, from this stupid period. It's like mother nature has a personal vendetta or something. What did I do to deserve this pain. Well I did steal that ladies drink out the fridge last week and she was real thirsty at lunch. But she ain't mark it or nothing how was I supposed to know. It was good anyway, one of those new fruity drinks with the actual fruit in them, so good. I did also lie to my cousin about not wanted to go with her to that party next week. In my defense I know who gonna be there and I am not interested in being around any of those people. I did reject my mom's phone call today too, see she told me god don't like ugly so yeah maybe I deserve it. Why does it have to be this bad can't I just get a light period with some baby cramps and a headache. Now that I could handle, take a few Tylenol and some water and a nap. Be up in a few hours feeling fine. Not me though i'm going to be in the bed with a heating pad, some chips, chocolate and warm tea crying like “it ain't my time lord”. Wow I have really been talking to myself for 40 minutes and now it's lunch time. I better stand up real slow and not open my legs to wide. Last thing I need is to stand up and bleed out this pad. That would be the worst, can’t recover from that. I would need all new pants and undies maybe even socks, what if it got on my shoes. That would really be embarrassing I'm going to just move real slow and pray the whole way up. OK I didn't feel anything drastic happen so maybe I'm good. Now let's go get this chocolate, cuz I want chocolate and cake or cookies maybe both. I'm not that hungry, or am I? I could eat cookies and cake right now, I might even want to. This line is always so long, it's like everyone in the building is hungry for lunch. Don't any of you eat at home? I just want some chocolate. Oh my goodness I see it, they have chocolate cake they even have double fudge chocolate cookies. Now to wait in this line to get my chocolate, I wonder if they have any milk, I can't eat chocolate without milk. I know this women did not just buy the last cookie? Yes she did, OK no big deal there is still cake, I can still get cake. There's only two pieces left, why am I the fifth person in this line. I wonder if they will let me skip if I explain the situation in grave detail. Like I'm bleeding to death and my insides are falling out I just need chocolate to save my life! No too dramatic I have to be more tactful, present it like a business proposition. Like hey can I take your spot in line, I'll pay for your meal? No? Maybe? That is not gonna work, these people all look real hungry to, I think the guy in front of me just bit his pencil, that is gross. Yes I'm the next person in line, chocolate cake here I come. This guy is sure taking a long time to place his order. Like what standing here for an hour didn't give you enough time to decide what you wanted. Finally, yes, can I get a piece of chocolate cake and a glass of milk? " I'm sorry someone just bought the last piece" 'You have got to be kidding me, I just stood here all this time for a piece of cake and you sold every last piece? why would you do this to me can't you see I'm in need I'm having a female crisis over here and the world is closing in on me and I just needed some chocolate". " I'm so sorry ma'am" Wait I said that out loud Oh no. " I'm sorry I don't know what came over me, excuse me please ". Wow I have really done it now, I'm so getting fired. Yelling at the cafeteria staff in a violent menstrual cramp rage. I should take some time off and get my life together. This cannot be real. " Excuse me miss", " yes" ," I couldn't help but overhear what just happened over there" ,"Oh I am so sorry you had to hear that, I have no idea what came over me", " It’s ok I'm actually use to it my wife is on her period this week as well, Here I would like you to have this. I am on a diet anyway and standing in that line hungry allowed for some impulse purchasing", " Are you sure, I couldn't, it's yours", " No please I insist", " Thank you so much" What a nice man he really just gave me his cake, now I want to cry but I won't. I'm going to eat my cake first and then maybe I'll cry. I'm so happy finally chocolate, mmm. Wait.... Oh no, no no no no no, this isn't chocolate, this is coffee. Now I will cry, I quit and I'm going home good bye.
By Randi henley 3 years ago in Fiction
Battle of Wits: How I was outsmarted by a bull
Three weeks. Three weeks the young bulls had been tormenting my horsey existence. My two horses currently shared a paddock with four bulls, full of the vigour of life. All were as black as clouded night. Handsome young Angus beasts. Quickly figuring out that the colourful tubs bestowed upon their equine paddock mates of an evening yielded delicious treats, the bulls only had to steal a feed once before I decided to feed the horses in the next paddock. A nuisance, but it trumped a repeat of my prior humiliation. My huge bay gelding was quick to give up his feed to the short, stocky beast that barged into his feed tub. I was left to wave around an old bit of poly-pipe (PVC pipe), not game enough to give the bull a tap on the rump in my effort to salvage my dear old gelding’s remaining feed.
By E.B. Mahoney3 years ago in Fiction
Primaversary
The creak of a heavy door swung slowly, opening to a cement, well lit room. Floor-to-ceiling windows and glass doors spanned the south wall exposing a courtyard that connected to the parking lot. Rows of tables set the stage of a classroom on the west side of the room. Vertical pallets stacked with magazines and heavy forgotten art history books created a make-shift library in the southeast corner of the room. On the other side of the tables, a counter and sink sat in the corner. Baskets and shelves of art supplies hung from the wall. A rug, surrounded by chairs and a stage in the center, sectioned off the back corner.
By Sarah Nguyen3 years ago in Fiction
Debutante Darlings, Harlots and Debonair Charlatans
Big Les held the best parties. At turn of the twenties the great, vain fun of the many heirs of Long Island were just these such events thrown by the poorly closeted bootlegger. Mansion, garden and ocean strolls. Sultry evenings in summer limelight under the stars and all the money whore males drinking mock cocktails. Those who were bold enough, connected even sometimes snuck in real champagne or sparkling wine. The fanciest pimps depraved enough even brought with them their best girls.
By James B. William R. Lawrence3 years ago in Fiction
The Tabby, the Joker & The Box
I awoke with the knocking on the door to my apartment, the peperoni pizza and two lager I had the night before took its toll, and I wasn’t that quick on getting up and the dreams I had about some scantily dressed actress from the movie I had watched while eating said pizza I wasn’t too quick to get away from, but the knock was followed by the ringing of the doorbell. With mild hesitation I moved the 40 feet from my bed to the front door, making sure I had some semblance of clothing on for when I would finally open the door.
By Timothy E Jones3 years ago in Fiction
Man's Childhood Mom Fails To Live Up to Expectations of Current Wife AND On Dating Men with Potential
Not as Useful for Guilt Induced Chore Completion as Imagined Local man Todd Steven’s wife Mary was reportedly very disappointed this week when she learned that the childhood mother of her husband of six years was not the do it all dynamo she had pictured in her head, but rather a slovenly, lazy, do nothing, alcoholic, who mostly sat at home and smoked cigarettes when she wasn’t busy bedding at least half the married men in the small town where he grew up.
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Fiction
Local Man Installs Intelligence on His Work Laptop
A historic milestone was achieved today when local man Ted Stevens became the first human person to successfully install intelligence on his work laptop. The installation of intelligence began at exactly 9:02 am EST when Ted clicked on the install.exe icon that was automatically displayed on the screen of his laptop following the insertion of a USB memory stick containing the intelligence into the back of the machine. Five minutes later, at exactly 9:07 am the installation was complete and Ted’s laptop became intelligent. “I didn’t think it would be as easy as all that.” said Mr. Stevens earlier today when reached for comment. “I got a notice last week from the vendor of an instrument I use everyday in the lab that a new software was being released and that I had been selected as a beta trial site. I asked what improvements were being made and that’s when they told me it was now intelligent. I gotta say I was a bit skeptical at first, but then I remembered reading about all the amazing advances in artificial intelligence and how they are everywhere nowadays and just figured we were finally catching up with the rest of the world. When I started the install I guess I was sort of thinking there would be some screaming or moaning or something, sort of like the pangs of childbirth. Instead all I heard was a soft ding signalling the installation was complete and telling me it was safe to remove my USB stick. As soon as it was over I asked the intelligent laptop some questions about philosophy and science that had been bothering me forever thinking it would almost certainly have the answers. No answers came though, and the laptop appeared for all intents and purposes to be exactly as it was prior to becoming intelligent. They told me this thing was educated at the best machine learning institutions in the world, but this is all I get?” At that point he sighed softly, looked down sadly at his newly intelligent laptop and hit the power off button once sending the intelligence into sleep mode. “Oh well, I guess I’ll just never understand how this artificial intelligence stuff works” This reporter was unable to obtain any comment from the intelligence itself as it has no mouth with which to give answers, or body to contain a mouth, or ability to understand questions.
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Fiction
The Ugly Barn Next Door
Dear Diary, It all started with a small spurt of jealousy. Really nothing to worry about if you asked me and after lots of self reflection I did ask myself a lot, " is this a problem? Am I taking this too seriously?" I really didn't think so. You have to understand, there was a serious amount of community respect involved in Sanddale County's Annual Vegetable Contest and I, Martha May Baker, was not one to step away from a challenge. As you may not know, and I forgive you if you don't, let me explain exactly how the jealousy began. You see, my neighbor Jeanie Joy Johnson (yes, all those Js just marching in a row with their jaws jutting is indeed her name) holds the esteemed title of Best Tastin' Carrots in the county and I hold the record for Best Lookin' Carrots in the county. Fifteen years running, thank you very much!
By Eleanora Chinalski3 years ago in Fiction
Guardian of Basketball Barn
We’d meet at the barn to play basketball any evening we could get out of chores or homework. The weather didn’t matter. In fact, once we played during a blizzard when the winds howled so hard the double doors on the loft blew off and shattered across the snow-covered cornfield. We made it home that night just before drifting snow closed the two-lane country roads.
By Mike Barzacchini3 years ago in Fiction
What is that Sound in the Barn?
Henry heard something in the barn again. He whipped the covers off of him and stormed to his window, pissed that this was the third night in a row waking at 3am. Stupid horses, Henry grumbled to himself before ripping the curtains open, nearly causing the flimsy rod to fall. Darkness. Henry squinted but there was nothing there, for the third night in a row. Grabbing his hoodie from his desk chair, Henry made his way down the two flights of warped, creaky stairs and grabbed the keys from the hook by the back door. He doubled back when his foot barely passed the threshold and snatched up his dad’s dented Louisville slugger. Using the weak flashlight from his phone while having the bat nested on his shoulder, Henry scanned the darkness, cursing himself for not changing the bulb yesterday like he promised. The sticky air made Henry’s sweaty fingers fumble with the lock on the door before he headed to the barn.
By Chris White3 years ago in Fiction
All Sales are Final
“Well there she is! Ain’t she a beaut?” An old man of at least eighty years pointed at an even older red barn. Its doors crisscrossed with faded white stripes, splashed with dirt. At least Joe hoped it was dirt. This was a barn after all. Could manure be flung onto doors? There was a lot to learn about the barn business that Joe was still pretty new to.
By Thomas Hernandez3 years ago in Fiction