The Ugly Barn Next Door

Dear Diary,

It all started with a small spurt of jealousy. Really nothing to worry about if you asked me and after lots of self reflection I did ask myself a lot, " is this a problem? Am I taking this too seriously?" I really didn't think so. You have to understand, there was a serious amount of community respect involved in Sanddale County's Annual Vegetable Contest and I, Martha May Baker, was not one to step away from a challenge. As you may not know, and I forgive you if you don't, let me explain exactly how the jealousy began. You see, my neighbor Jeanie Joy Johnson (yes, all those Js just marching in a row with their jaws jutting is indeed her name) holds the esteemed title of Best Tastin' Carrots in the county and I hold the record for Best Lookin' Carrots in the county. Fifteen years running, thank you very much!

Anyways, due to this distinct title I feel I have a certain ability to sense when Jeanie Joy is starting her planting and flaunting of her carrots and yes, the obligated flirting with the local mailmain Roger who delivers her special carrot seeds from Europe seems to be all apart of this song and dance. Lord, you should see her. Out at the mailbox with her martini glass shaped like a carrot, waving her orange painted nails about, and just a twittering at everything Roger says. Why somedays when this show gets on I have half a mind to march out there and remind Roger that he can deliver the mail without indulging the neighborhood in this comedy routine. I mean, can't a respectable group of garderners just get their seeds delivered and move on!

Regardless, after all this nonsense is tolerated, I begin to notice Jeanie Joy heading out back to her ugly old red barn on the back of her property every morning. Since my kitchen window looks directly out into her property I have a perfect visual and in the last fifteen years I have kept a vigilant watch when she begins planting the carrots and have yet to figure out what in tarnation she does in the red barn. Why, she grows her carrots outside, just like I do, and she waters them every morning and evening, clearly copying my watering routine, but I cannot understand what it is that she is doing in that red barn every morning and IF it contributes to her carrots being better tasting then mine. I never considered myself a particularly jealous woman, but after the tenth year in a row when Jeanie Joy won Best Tastin' Carrots and Mayor Richard Kent commented on how "delightful the crunch of the carrots were" and " Oh Jeanie Joy, the orange is almost effervenscent in its taste" I began to get more jealous and slightly suspicious. What WAS that infernal woman doing in the red barn and what did it have to do with growing carrots?? Diary, I have to admit I have been tempted to sneak over and see for myself what is happening in there, but I don't want her to think I notice nor that I care all that much. It would be far worse to let it be known to this preposterous neighbor of mine that I, Martha May Baker, didn't have complete confidence in the depth and beauty of her own carrots, and was caught snooping about like some kind of amateur! Why Carl down at the General Store on Main St. would have the news out the entire county by nightfall that Martha May was snooping for secrets.

Diary, I absolutely intended to stay away from the ugly barn next door, but today I found myself unable to keep away. I simply had to know and this morning I found myself crouching through my raspberry bushes, jogging and puffing through the green bean stalks, and nearly crawling through the potato patch to get to Jeanie Joy's open back barn door. I slowly stepped towards the door and tried to quell the frantic beating of my heart.... what could be in here? Would I finally know the secret and could I maybe sweep the title of Best Tastin' carrots away from Jeanie Joy Johnson after 15 years of heated competion? I slowly pushed the door open and what met my eyes in the streaming gold sunshine was absolutely outrageous.

There were carrots everywhere. Carrots raining from the ceiling in nets and bags. Carrots stacked against the walls boxes, barrels, and cartons! So much orange it felt as if I had fallen into a vat of freshly squeezed OJ at the breakfast table. So much of an orange hue, I almost had to squint to see the vegetables themselves! How was she growing this many carrots? Where were they coming from?? How did one person have such a collection of carrots and how on earth could I compete! Diary, I'm ashamed to say I stole one her carrots and ran back to my home and as I write to you now, watching her go into her ugly barn next door, I'm munching on the Best Tastin' Carrot I've ever had.

Damnit.

Love,

Martha May Baker