Synchronized Storms

“No, you definiely had it last!”

”Don’t be ridiculous. I distinctly remember placing it in your hand!”

“You’re crazy! That was days ago! You’ve definitely driven since then!”

The time: 4pm on a Saturday. It’s been snowing all morning, but it’s nothing compared to the blizzard in the living room. The couple face each other, snarling, pacing, two boxers in a ring, both determined to fight to the death in the pursuit of innocence. Both completely convinced that the other person is at fault. There is no mercy.

The truth is, neither of them is at fault. I was taken from the key hook by their three year old son, and placed inside the driver’s seat of his toy truck. For the past four hours, I’ve watched them search for me, observe their dispositions change from confused, to frantic, to enraged, all while existing right under their noses. It’s been quite entertaining.

“Marie… listen to me.” His tone softens as he changes his tactic. “We both know this isn’t the first time this has happened. This would be a lot easier if you could just—”

He cuts off short to dodge a monkey shaped dog toy thrown rapidly at his head. “JESUS MARIE!”

“Don’t you even THINK about patronizing me, Todd! This is not my fault! And you’re not the one missing your pickleball tourament right now, I am! You don’t even have anywhere to go until Monday, I have OBLIGATIONS!”

“Oh SURE, like it’s pickleball you’re upset about missing and not Cedric and his too-short shorts!

“TODD, his name is CALVIN and he’s GAY!”

Oof. You know it’s serious when Marie’s charmingly flamboyant tennis coach gets thrown into the mix. Something I find fascinating about humans is their ability to bottle up their emotions, only to explode once they have any opportunity to emote. Calvin never comes up in regular conversation.

“Well if he’s so gay, then why is he always taking you to those chick-flick, lovey-dovey crap movies?

“Um….because he’s gay.”

I’ve heard this argument many times. I know what’s coming.

“You really think you’re one talk, Todd? Need I remind you about the incident-”

“For God’s sake Marie, every guy does it! You were on your period, a guy has needs-”

”Oh, sure, like you really needed to jack off to Busty Blonde Babes 3!”

Can you believe it? They’ve completely forgotten about me. Too focused on taking jabs simply because they can. Silly, delirious humans. Too preoccupied even to notice their three year old son shuffle into the living room, thumb soggy in his mouth. They continue shouting, obvlivious, as he crouches at their feet. He watches them for a moment, then yawns, his sleepy gaze falling on me. He crawls towards me, and I brace myself as he reaches for me with chubby fingers.

“Vroom vroom,” he mumbles as he steers the truck around him in circles. Faster and faster he spins, until he loses control of his toy and crashes it into the sofa, propelling me across the carpet until I come skidding to a halt at his parents’ feet.

“You don’t even trim down there any— oh.”

Marie stops mid-sentence as they stare at me, eyes wide with surprise, making the toddler giggle.

“I found the car keys, Mommy!”

The adults stare at each other in sheepish solidarity, both equally embarrrased. Marie clears her throat as Todd rubs the back of his neck with his hand.

“Well. I guess you better…uh… get to the pickleball tournament.”

“Yeah, I’ll um… bring home a pizza.”

“Sounds good. Maybe Hawaiian?

They continue to make small talk as Marie scoops me up and slips inside her winter coat. Back to normal, at least until I go missing again. Marie kisses her kid goodbye, hesitates, then quickly pecks Todd on the cheek. She starts closing the door.

“Oh… Marie?

“Yeah? She pops her head back in.

“Make sure to say hi to Cedric for me.”

She stares at him, her lips in a tight line until something breaks- and she smiles. He grins back, and she disappears into the cold. Todd watches through the window as she drives off, noticing that the snow has finally ceased, leaving the world peaceful, serene, and new.