Spiritual Healing

Life sucks when your girlfriend breaks up with you, your boss fires you and you are rejected from university… Yes, my reality is that of the start to a cheesy chick-flick your sister forces you to watch.

Everyone likes to tell you to “be positive”, “look on the bright side”... they say “there’s more fish in the sea”, “life goes on”... Okay, thanks bro! I will just pull up my big boy pants and screw anything with a pulse. That is what all guys my age do, right?

Believe me. I have tried. Ever since Ava left, it has been one nightmare after another. I have nothing but a car, a couch, a playstation and a television. The only thing that would make this worse is having to move back home. I am a loser but I won’t be a loser in Mom and Dad’s basement.

If I would have been accepted to university, I could have at least moved away. I could have started new.

Sitting here in this empty, miserable apartment is driving me nuts and it looks like I am out of beer. I guess I’ll walk my drunk ass to get more.

"What am I going to do?" I ask the sky as if there was a man up there actually giving a crap. I wasn’t always this despairing. I used to be funny, people laughed all the time at my quick witted humour. I used to laugh. I used to laugh a lot. Man do I miss laughing.

Truthfully, I don’t even remember who I am. For so long I had it all together. A, B and C all had check marks. The ring was purchased for the proposal. Time dedicated to that stupid school.

Time. All that time wasted. Those years, gone.

I remember the day Ava left, I was sure she would come back. She disappeared into thin air leaving me jobless with a lease to our condo. The landlord was a friend of my father and told me I could stay rent-free for as long as I wished.

I left though. As soon as I found that crummy apartment, I left. She sent some prick to pick up OUR stuff, erased her number and herself from my existence. I didn’t even put up a fight when the dude showed up in his truck, like fuck it. It’s all over and I wish my life was too. 5 years and this is what I get?

I stumble down the sidewalk, blurry thoughts blending together how much further could the beer store be anyways? I approach some sort of run-down thrift shop. Might as well go in, it’s not like I have someone to go home to anyways.

The door dings when I step inside and attempt to avoid eye contact with the girl at the front register. Maybe I can find a toaster or something.

This is what it has come down to? This should be the definition of rock bottom - ‘stumbling into a thrift store half gone, hoping there is at least a toaster’.

Why God?! Why did this all happen? What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

I drop on my ass in between two book racks and I break down “GIVE ME A SIGN GOD! IF YOU ARE REAL GIVE ME JUST ONE SIGN BEFORE I GUZZLE DOWN A BOTTLE AND JUMP OFF THE CLOSEST BRIDGE!”

Spiritual Healing - The title of the first book I see after pleading to God on the dirty floor of a thrift shop. What kind of book doesn’t have an author?

“Are you okay? Is there someone I can call to help you”? I look up to see the girl at the register now standing above me, a look of concern and a cellphone in hand with the numbers 911 dialed. “Oh, uh, please don’t call the police. I’m sorry I scared you, I’m just looking to buy this book” I grab the book and hold it up for her to see.

She guides me to the scratched-up wooden table at the front where the register sits. “Hey, it’s none of my business but it can be better” she says as she slides a card over to me “they really helped my cousin. Maybe they can help you too”. “Thanks” I replied, understanding of her pity. One eye shut, I sign my name on the receipt Roger.

As I step back out into the fresh air, I have to wonder if I am still way too buzzed or if this book truly is a sign from God himself. Spiritual Healing, what does that even mean? Why is there no author? Could this book hold the answer to my future? I found it right after…

Okay, you are definitely still way too buzzed.

Where the hell am I?

It happens every morning. I wake up hungover and confused about where I am. I guess it will take a while to adjust to this new apartment. This new life.

What a crazy ass dream.

The dream was in fact not a dream I come to realize as I see the book laying on the floor. I really did get drunk and buy a book with no author titled 'Spiritual Healing' from a random thrift shop.

The evening is all pretty blacked out besides the odd flashbacks. I remember pleading for an answer, dropping to the floor and seeing the book; a chill runs throughout my body and the tiny hairs stand on my arms.

I pick the book up and bring it with me to make an instant coffee “might as well see what this is all about, I paid for it anyhow”.

Soon enough, I was nose deep into the book and chapters were being read as if I were riding a bicycle. Each chapter, better than the last. Everything I am reading is relating to my current life problems.

I am inspired.

Previously, I haven't always been a spiritual person. I grew up in a family of science, logic, and reasoning. Sundays with the family were spent playing board games like Pay Day and watching shows like Wheel of Fortune - not at a church. In all honesty, I was ashamed to admit that the thought of a God, of ghosts, spirit - were not all that implausible.

I have kept this interest to myself and pushed it far back. I suppose having everything made it easy to do. There was nothing driving me to want to read between the lines, look beyond the valley, wonder of our existence…

I had it all and then I had nothing and now I need something.

Since Ava left me, I haven’t been able to find work. My university rejected me and I have to wait until a new semester to apply to the community college.

I had my life planned. It was all right there in the palms of my hands. Now I am a 22 year old man getting loans and living off the savings my parents invested into my whole life for school. The next step is their basement or a hole in the ground.

If this book can do anything for me at all, it is worth a shot.

“Inhale slowly through your nose for as long as you can, place your hand on your stomach. Now hold that breathe and release through your nose or mouth slowly”

At first, it felt pretty awkward to practice deep breathing but now I am embracing the relief of built-up tension I didn’t recognize I was carrying for so long.

Four days ago when I started reading that book, I felt a change. There is a reason I walked into that thrift store. There is a reason I found Spiritual Healing. I feel it and so I have been accepting everything the book has to offer.

I hate to admit that I have been pretty damn proud of myself. I have been taking all the steps: Meditation, reconnecting with nature, exercising and so on…

What is that smell?

I hold my shirt over my face entering my apartment.

I see a hamper of dirty clothing. "Fuck" - a weeks old hamper that I forgot about. It looks like I am going back out.

“Hey Mom! Just here to do some laundry” I yell as I go down the hall to the laundry room. “Hunni, I made some lasagna today, I’m sending you home with a dish for dinner” Thank God for Mom’s “Thanks ma”.

A card falls to the floor. The card is from the girl at the thrift shop.

Not Alone Counselling Services. This belongs right where it came from - back in my pocket.

By the time I am done laundry the sun is going down and my passenger seat is already loaded with baked goods and lasagna. “Thanks again Mom, for everything” I said, hugging her goodbye. “We are always here if you need anything Roger” she assures me “I know, love ya”.

Driving home and my favourite song comes on the radio - I am feeling higher than any drug could make me feel. High on positive energy, high on spiritual healing, high on a new awakening.

That truck looks all too familiar.

My heart drops into my stomach and I am instantly nauseated because I see her. See them. Their tongues down each other's throats and his hand right on her ass.

I whip my car around and go somewhere to numb the pain because suddenly life was no longer all I needed to get high.

“I’ll take a shot of whiskey, actually make it a double”.

“How about two? Second one’s on me” the bartender chuckles and places two tall shots in front of me.

Fumbling with my keys to unlock the car door - something that should be a simple task is damn frustrating “bitch!” I punch the hood.

Finally, I get in my car and I step on the pedal.

First blackness then suddenly I am walking through a forest and it’s now the next day. I can see an opening in the distance, brightly lit by the beaming sun. The tallest trees that I have ever witnessed surround me.

I can smell the earth. Scents of wildflowers, wet grass and fresh air. Aromas that could make a man drift off into a peaceful sleep.

Am I in heaven?

“No” a voice answers.

What was that? Did I say that out loud?

There is a slight breeze that gently tickles my face as I continue on - I look up at the trees and sky in awe.

A white owl flies above me and leads me to the opening in the distance. The owl is a magnificently beautiful creature with a piercing white shade as brilliant as snow. I can tell that the owl wants me to follow, I don’t know how I can tell but I can.

I soar now beside the owl in the sky deeper into the forest and closer to the opening. There is a barn we enter.

Down below us is a child, a young boy who looks to be around 9 or 10 years of age. He is sitting on the ground feeding a newborn lamb a bottle. He looks happy, full of joy and youth.

It’s…It’s me.

I forgot all about the farm. My sister and I helped out every day. We loved it. The farm was in our family for generations until we owned it. We had to sell the farm and leave because both parents had job opportunities in the big city.

How could I have forgotten all of these years about the farm and the life that is vastly different from the one I came to know?

The owl flies away.

Where the hell am I?

Once again, here I am waking up in unfamiliar territory; except this time it is in a hospital bed and my entire family is waiting by my side. I am so happy to see them. I guess I had not been making much of an effort.

“Son, we can’t sit back and watch you kill yourself. Please go and get help, we can pay for everything” my father scolds. “Please Roger” my mother adds.

I can’t stand to see her cry.

I think about the owl and about the barn, the farm, the forest…

“I know of a counselling service, I will go as soon as the hospital releases me” I reply, empathetically.

My family leaves me with some snacks and shortly after I am greeted by the police. I was given a hefty fine and a seized car with a towing fee.

When I got back to my apartment I searched for the clothing I was wearing in the accident. “Where are my pants?” I rummage through the belongings in the plastic bag given to me upon release. Found em

Thankfully the counsellors are willing to take me in to start recovery right away. I know that this is going to be a long road but I am ready for this new chapter and to continue my spiritual journey.

The air smells fresher, the grass looks greener and the sun shines brighter when you are not hungover. My wallet is feeling a lot heavier too. Who knew alcohol was so expensive?

It has been 3 months since the crash. Each day is a new day to progress and grow.

I dream of the owl almost every night where we soar the skies or walk the earth. I even got a tattoo of the owl on my chest. An homage for my spirit animal, my guardian angel.

Months go by, seasons and eventually years.

The man standing in front of the mirror is a changed man. A healed man.

The journey isn’t over. That’s what makes life so beautiful. There will always be hardships but there truly is beauty in the breaking.

Sometimes I return to that city and I grab a coffee and walk past the thrift shop that sold me the book with no author. I just stand in front of it at times and stare. Pure comfort and gratefulness of the girl at the register behind the scratched-up desk.

Today I will be doing just that. I have a counselling session nearby and so it will be a nice way to end the day.

That truck looks familiar.

It’s her. I haven’t thought about her in years.

“Roger! Hey!” Ava say’s excitedly, wide eyed and a pretty smile.

“Hi, Ava. It’s really nice to see you. I hope you are well” I reply.

“Hey, you know, I never really got the chance to apologize to you for how things ended. I am sorry. I was scared to hurt you. I just left and didn’t look back. I have felt terrible for so long and so I just wanted to tell you that”.

“Thanks. I appreciate your apology and I am sorry for anything on my end” I say, giving her a one armed hug, knowing that this might be the last time we touch. I smile at that thought.

We say goodbye and part ways.

For so long I forgot who I was. I was lost in the money and the drive for success. Perfection.

As I fall into a deep sleep at night, the owl and I go to the barn where it all began. The owl leaves, returning with the book Spiritual Healing.

Waking up under my cozy warm blankets the next morning, I turn over to pick up the book from my bedside table.

What were you trying to tell me last night?

Understanding the hint, I drive to the thrift shop in the city, except this time I go inside.

I can’t believe it.

“You probably don’t remember me but years ago you sold me this book and gave me a card” I say to the girl at the front register.

“How could I forget?” She smirks “You are looking much better” she continues to tease.

“I hate to be blunt and I know from first impressions you must think I am crazy but I would love to do something for you as a thank you. The card you gave me…those counsellors saved my life”.

“You can buy me dinner. My name is Nora by the way”.

“Well, that would be my pleasure Nora”.

It really is a small world full of coincidences and destiny because I met Nora’s cousin during recovery and we became best friends.

He was my best man at my wedding.

Now Nora and I live a simple life on a small farm in the countryside. It's an hour drive from the kids' grandparents in the big city.

We grow our own fruits and vegetables and tend to many different farm animals.

In the back sits a barn, in the barn lives an owl with a piercing white shade as brilliant as snow.