Reflections at the End

The coming dawn released me from my torpor. It could always find me, the sun, even down in my anchorhold. It simply FELT red, like a bite of a warm berry.

I reached automatically for the ever-present basin of water and used it to wash my face, paying particular attention to the cavities where my eyes once resided. They always collected more than their fair share of debris. I tied a fresh cloth around my face, changed my robe, and tidied the already tidy room.

I took 3 apples on my way out of the door, then paused and chuckled before putting one back. Alexander had begun his journey today, and would not be around for breakfast.

You could set your calendar by Alexander's walks- and that is exactly what I did. Each time he disappeared it was for exactly 60 days. He would come back tired and full of stories of what he saw, or tales he invented. To Alexander those were one in the same, truth be told. As soon as he was out of things to say he would leave- which were the events of last night. He sat in a sullen silence all evening, sighing occasionally. No, he would not be here this morning.

I slowly made my way up the steps to the garden, where I knew Marcus would be. I set his apple down...only to find he wasn't there. ‘Opening’ myself up, I could find no sense of him. I felt around to be sure, but it only confirmed what I already knew. He was gone.

I was not concerned. Marcus had been known to join Alexander in the past, so this was likely one of those times.

"Nothing to do about it" I mumbled as I began my lonely day.

My elbows were deep in soil when the sun finally made its full appearance known. I turned my head and smiled up at him, as though greeting an old friend. Truth be told, he WAS an old friend; I had known him longer than my other two companions; longer than anyone left alive.

It had been a prolonged stretch since I had spent any time on my own; I looked forward to the break. Sure, Marcus had given up speaking a year ago...but being truly alone and being with a silent person are quite different experiences.

I missed my conversations with Marcus, actually. We used to discuss every topic to extreme detail. Sometimes we argued, and I even missed that. He had decided, at one point, that there was nothing left to discuss. I understood.

My gardening work done for the day, I walked the 27 paces to the lake. With the boys gone, a proper bath was possible. "Not that they would ever think of looking at this sack full of wrinkles" I cackled to myself.

I removed my veil, scapular, cowl, and robe before slipping into the cool freedom offered by the lake.

The water made movement so much easier, especially unencumbered by clothing. It was just the perfect temperature to sooth my aching muscles as well. I stayed in until my wrinkles had their own wrinkles, then set about dressing again. "This will be a part of my day until the men return" I said confidently.

The next 59 days went by quickly. My main triumph resided in the successful grafting of an apple tree to a native produced fruit tree Marcus named 'Medlar' (this was due to the similarities to his favorite fruit growing up). "If we are lucky", I said to the infant tree, "you will produce a fruit that grows in all weather conditions, and is slightly less prone to rot."

The other plant grafts had taken nicely. They created a sort of green bean that tasted like pineapples (or so Alexander insisted), and a cabbage-like leaf that Marcus dubbed ‘tridax’, which acted as an "energy drink" (a term often used by the children). Though I had never had one of these drinks, I certainly felt more energetic after every meal that included them, so I took their word for it.

By the end of the 60 days, I was ready for the incessant chatter of Alexander and the calm, comfortable silence of Marcus to return. "Perhaps Marcus would have been inspired to find his voice again, and our conversations would resume" I pondered aloud.

If the past was any indicator, the boys would return tomorrow with the hopes of a welcoming party. I prepared extra tridax and other favorites of theirs from the garden so they could recover their strength and celebrate their return.

I was more excited to have the milk they would inevitably bring home with them. I knew they would eat meat whenever they were gone (especially Alexander). I believed that was one of his main reasons for venturing out of our safe encampment. They never brought any animals back, of course. We did not have the space or supplies to keep any as pets. They would also never admit to eating any animals, as they knew I would disapprove. The milk was always a peace offering to assuage their guilt.

The next morning I hurried about my schedule, grabbing three apples before hobbling up the stairs. Then I stopped. Based on the stillness they were not back. Even when the scamp Alexander tried to scare me, his presence alone was always so loud he was never quite able to.

"Perhaps they were held up somewhere" I said aloud. "Nothing to do but wait"

The day moved slower than the past two months. I did not indulge in another bath, in case they came in the afternoon. I laughed out loud, remembering the first time they came across me bathing, and their humorous apologies. I let my laughter taper into more crushing silence.

Where were those naughty children!?

Several more days went by with no word. The sun seemed to shine brighter and hotter, "perhaps in an attempt to keep me company" I mused.

I kept myself occupied by speaking to the sun and the plants, recreating my favorite stories told by the men. I spoke of the floating ice mountains, which continued to defy both gravity and the physics they steadfastly refused to adhere to. I described to them the fantastic volcanic eruption that was seen from space (first Alexanders exciting account, then Marcus' accurate one). I told the sad story of how the last child born on this planet died of old age in my arms. I wish I had the tear ducts to cry, as the story certainly required tears.

Finally, I told them the story of my lost eyes. I had pulled out my old locket as a prop to show them. It was the only thing left from my childhood, this old fire damaged, blood stained, rusty locket. It had not opened in many thousands of years, however I knew it held the likenesses of my mother, father, and sister in them. Such an item did not exist as a child, though Marcus and Alexander both hired an artist to recreate them based on my descriptions, and placed them in this fine heart-shaped bauble. It was my prized possession.

"My family died in a fire meant for me." I always began that way, as it was the most important part. "When I was young, the villagers were afraid of me. I could 'see into their souls' they would say. Perhaps I could. Their fear compounded upon itself until they were rife with it. When I was 6, they grabbed me in the market and scooped out my eyes before my mother could stop them. The pain was incredible, and it did nothing to ease their fears. They claimed I could still see through them. They claimed my family was cursed. When an illness swept through town, they blamed the deaths on me. One day, when I was nearly 12, they burned our house to the ground while we slept. I knew they were coming, and woke my family; but the villagers were too fast and locked us in.

“We all burned. I can still hear the screams of my family harmonizing with my own. I can feel the heat burn my hair to nothing and my skin to ash. Long after my family lay silent, I kept screaming. I must have continued all night, for it was light out when I finally made my way through the smoking rubble and into the forest. The murderers moved aside and I walked, burnt, naked, and hairless into the forest alone".

I sat silent for a long time. The sun became bored and went to bed. When he woke again, I continued speaking to all who would listen, in true Bedlam manner. I spoke of the lake I finally fell into. Of scrubbing my skin until I was surrounded by the stench of sweet metal. Of the nuns who found me there, and took me in. Of the anchoress I became handmaiden to. Of the vows I eventually took. Of me becoming an anchoress when my lady died.

"I lived and kept on living, despite everyone around me being blessed with death. Marcus and Alexander, two others who were unable to die, found and befriended me. Their souls shone so brightly I felt as though I was blinded all over again. Their love for one another was brighter still. That instant changed my view of so-called 'Sodomites' forever. We were inseparable after that; 'the Blood, the Blade, and the Baggage' Alexander used to call us in jest, with Marcus and I pretending to be offended."

I spoke of the locket again, and how they rescued it and me from the burning wreckage of one of the many wars I have lived through. How we traveled the world together, trying to combat evil and spread kindness. How we eventually ending up in America where we would inevitably lose to willful ignorance. How we became travelers of the universe, saving as many souls as possible and caring for them during the 10 year journey to our new homes, and how we all watched the sun slowly eat away the planets until there was only 3 left. How we raised generation after generation until we were once again alone.

The sun came and went many times during my story, as was his right. When the stories were all over, I stood up, and started walking. I felt and heard many strange things during my wandering. I am sure I felt the floating mountains, and befriended many varieties of beasts. I did not feel the light from my companions, however. Eventually, I found my way back to the encampment. I wandered to the room the boys shared, but it was cold and dusty. There were not on this small planet.

I hoped that they had finally found a way to die, and mourned that they did not have time to take me with them.

I dug a deep hole next to my trees, and lay down in it. I stayed there until the small insects found me, and stayed still as they took me apart, piece by piece. The pain was nothing in comparison to the aching loneliness.

I felt every molecule that was eaten transformed into mulch, and absorbed into the nearby trees. Over the decades, I became spread to every plant and animal over our small planet. I found Alexander and Marcus again, and the millions of children I had cared for. I was whole once again.

Every now and then I would find myself in the last tree I had helped create. Marcus called it the 'Milar' tree. My locket hung on a high branch, and I would pretend it hung around my neck again. It no longer made me happy or sad...it simply reminded me of all that had come to pass in my billions of years of consciousness.

It was enough.