Oasis Somewhere

Oasis Somewhere by Matthew Simmons

“Okay, stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Four nuns walk into confessional. The first goes in and starts, ‘father forgive me for I have sinned.’ Then the priest goes ‘how have you sinned my child’ and she replies ‘I’ve had impure thoughts about men. ‘Say five Hail Mary’s and wash your hair in the holy water basin my daughter’ says the priest and she leaves and the next comes in. This time ‘I have gazed impurely on a man’s body father,’ and he goes, ‘Say ten Hail Mary’s and wash your eyes in the holy water. When the second nun leaves the priest hears arguing outside the confessional, so he steps out to see what’s going on and he sees nuns three and four are heated. Nun four says, I don’t care what he says, I’m not washing my mouth out with that water after you!’ Kyla finishes her joke as she climbs over a beat-up old Honda Civic on blocks. There was no laugh from her audience, the stuffed bear dangling from the back of her backpack. Her father never wanted her to know crass jokes like that but the engineer, Mr. Bartley knew hundreds of them by heart. When they made supply runs, Mr. Bartley was sure to tell at least two dirty jokes. One going and, one coming back and at some point they just stuck, but that was five years ago. Mr. Bartley lives only in those jokes now, and Kyla knows at least half of them. Half alive is better than not alive at all right?

“Hah! How about another one Ted?” She asked wiping the dust from her goggles and the sweat from her forehead. She wears her hair short now, but once upon a time she’d reach behind her head to give her curly bun a puff to make sure it remained playful and bouncy looking even in the scorch of the waking day. Its’ funny how vanities melt away when you’re all that’s left. There was no time for playful and bouncy buns when her father died. It shocked her that she was now able to tell jokes again, even if it was to her stuffed bear.

“Try this one Ted. A family pays a coffin maker for a special coffin for their grandpa to lay him to rest in style. The coffin maker promises to make the old man the best coffin he’s ever made. He stay up all day and all night for two days and finally finishes it in time for the funeral, but his car breaks down, so fully dressed in his suit, he puts the thing on his back and marches down the road to the church. On his way a man sees him and can’t help but wonder what the hell was going on. The coffin maker looks at the baffled man and says, ‘I didn’t like my spot, so I’m moving’.“ Not a word from Ted. Only a bit of a laugh from Kyla. This was the last joke Mr. Bartley taught her, but she wasn’t sure she remembered it right. She remembers her dad actually laughing at this one, and when he laughed it made her laugh because she’d never seen it. From everything Kyla could tell, her father was an educated man. Mr. Bartley put a lot of emphasis on that he was Black and educated but she never understood why that was important. Her mom was Latina but they never made much fuss about her education. Then again Kyla’s mother never made a point of carrying a book around with her over her heart. The only thing that she wore, besides clothes of course, was a beautiful heart-shaped locket, with a picture of a small baby Kyla in her arms and her father behind them. Kyla used to play with it when her mother would hold her. At least that’s what she was told. Now that locket sits around her neck, horse playing against the copy of ‘Great Expectations’ stuffed in the breast of her vest. A bit of pain of her breast but no one said the wasteland was supposed to be easy.

“Oh come, I know it’s a bit black but its funny!” The sound of her own voice filled the car cluttered road as she marched on. Kyla’s feet were sore as ever, but this was a good day. She was so close to oasis. She had to believe so, not because she was boiling over with faith but because she had lost too much on the way. Her friends, her father, all fodder for the chaos that swept the world years ago. Her father called it the Crash. She was just four when it happened, so she didn’t call it anything. Her father said that one day, a Satellite fell, whatever that is, and then another followed, and another, and another and then the earth rumbled. The sky was darkened for a while and then everything got hotter, and nothing worked. He said they were at home when it all happened, but the worst came when the people decided they did not have to follow the rules anymore and it was every man, woman, and non-binary for themselves. He led them to the market for rations and ended up being a leader. She ended up with a part-time dad, some dirty jokes, a boyfriend for a little while, a nice little while, and a community to fight for, and she fought proudly down to the last woman and her teddy bear sidekick.

“Ted, when we find the Oasis, I wanna just soak until I swell up like, like, a… uh. Oh, whatever, I wanna float and soak and sit all sexy and glamorous like one of those women from the old fashion magazines in the camp. Her father would always tell her one day, when the world got back to something like sanity, she would be able to dress however she wanted. Her old flame Roldy, the only other kid from the camp thought she’d look “good” in stuff like the magazines but when would she ever be able to know? Losing Roldy was the last straw. They last person she could lose before she had to go out and find something new to hope in, but at one point she could have seen herself with him in a tiny picture in a heart shaped locket. Now it all lies in the invisible hands of a rumor that there is a flooded oasis of clean water where Old Little York used to be in Houston Texas. No, moldy have broken supermarket walls. No mutated flying bugs, and no Reavers. Those damned Reavers. ”What is a Reaver anyway and why would anyone be in a group called that? I don’t know what it means and even I can tell that if you’re in a group called the ‘Reavers’ you’re probably a bad guy” Roldy said. Said because he can’t be here to say it again. The Reavers made sure of that.

“Let’s see, last one. You always save your best one for last right Ted? So, A man sits in his first-class seat on a plane for his vacation after a hellish wait. He’s nerved up to hell because this is his first flight ever and the turbulence scared him half to death when the pilot comes over the intercom to calm the passengers. ‘Ladies and gents we’re now at 8000 ft. Expect smooth sailing and enjoy your flight’ he says but he forgot to turn off the intercom and says ‘I could really use a coffee and a blowjob’ everyone is shocked and the flight attendant makes a mad run for the cockpit. The guy bursts into laughter and says ‘Hey, don’t forget the coffee!”