I'm Sorry I Have to Go

Jonas walked in the middle of winter with the cold wind constantly blowing. Make everyone raise their jacket collars to maintain body temperature. Exhaling produces misty white steam that dances in the cold air of this city.

“How does he think that he is the world to me? How does he feel that he is the only one who can accept my shortcomings?” While cursing his thoughts, he began to sit on a garden chair full of moss. Bending the hinges of his prosthetic leg, he took a deep breath. The world he lived in was so hard.

His mind drifted to the spring 3 years ago, when beautiful flowers bloomed and the warm weather made everyone cheerful. Diana, a sweet-looking girl with golden yellow skin, looked at him with that look. A view he had never received from anyone in the world. Full of surprise, he waved his hand at the girl, because he couldn't believe that she was looking at him. His heart seemed to explode when the girl waved back.

The seasons pass and they live their lives together. It doesn't feel perfect but it's too beautiful to just pass up. Life lessons, togetherness, happiness fill their previously empty days. Not infrequently, Jonas took Diana to beautiful places hidden in corners of the city, behind hills, even behind buildings in the middle of the city. He wanted to show Diana simple and beautiful places that could accompany her days before they met.

The sound of the door slamming so hard, followed by a woman's cry, broke the silence of the morning. The misunderstanding that occurred seems too big to warrant an apology. The sound of a car engine roaring accompanied by white smoke filled the sky that morning. There was no smell of coffee this morning, no sandwich with Diana's favorite lettuce. Only silence was punctuated by cries that sounded suffocating.

At the corner of the city, a car was speeding by, as if it was traveling in the middle of an empty desert. The sound of car horns almost crashing together made my heart pound. I don't know what will happen today.

.....

The roar of the ambulance siren was deafening. Their work was very hard, who knows how many lives were saved by the roar of the siren. A man groaned in it, with an identity card scattered in the side of his trouser pocket, his name was Jonas.

The commotion that morning washed away his mind, until something bad happened. Jonas lost one of his legs, and used a prosthetic leg for the rest of his life. In the name of love, Diana faithfully accompanied him until he recovered.

All pent up feelings will explode in time. Jonas is now a different person. With a different physique, he wished he could return to that morning and hug and apologize to Diana. What kind of heart has been hurt? Since then, Jonas felt something was different about Diana.

Is it because his physique is no longer perfect? Are the emotional wounds left behind that deep? Diana was never rude to Jonas, basically she was a gentle woman. But, for Jonas, something changed. Something that puts distance between them. But he didn't know what that something was.

Living in doubt and feeling uncomfortable, makes Jonas become quiet. His life is filled with insecurity, feelings of guilt and deep anxiety. They tried to walk around just to go to places they like. But where is that warmth? Where is that comfortable? Everything is getting stranger.

Diana once told him that she accepted all her shortcomings with great love. He also said that there was no reason for him to leave Jonas alone, he didn't have the heart to let Jonas down. Because only he has the best love for Jonas. Words that felt beautiful, but didn't feel comfortable for Jonas. His heart felt strange, now he felt very helpless. He is no longer the cheerful, self-confident Jonas, he has become the self-questioning Jonas. Becoming Jonas who doesn't dare to think freely. And afraid of being abandoned.

In the middle of this winter, Jonas took courage. Go, leaving all the uncertain feelings he felt. Felt safe but didn't feel comfortable. Feeling accompanied but lonely. Feeling cared for but helpless.

As the baby squirrel plays near the chair Jonas is sitting in, the light of himself that once disappeared slowly reappears. The feeling of warmth and completeness as a human being now appears again.

I'm sorry, Diana, i need to leave you..