Falling too Deep

Sabrina stared out her window, she could see the tall, green trees covered in a light frost and sprinkled with snow. There was something magical about the pond and the trees that surrounded it. It made her feel at home and it had been a while since she felt that way. Her house felt empty since her husband had passed away. There was no longer a happy hum that filled the house, his mug had been standing in the cupboard for months without being touched, the pile of unread newspapers was stacked high, the dust had started to gather around his model ship collection, his desk stood untouched, the phone no longer rang. It was just Sabrina now. There were days when she just wanted to throw it all down and into the pond, but she lacked the strength to do so.

Sabrina could picture her husband sitting on the dock during the summer and fishing or throwing a stick for Bogo, the dog. That picture in her mind was fading each day, she wanted to hold to that image forever. She still remembers the day that it happened, the day that he drowned saving one of the children from the Gilbert household. Gavin had wanted to save the child from drowning, he did but then they found his body a minute and twenty seconds too late. She recalled herself screaming in agony as if someone had ripped down her throat and tugged her heart out and squeezed it until she could not breathe. Bogo was barking unaware of what was happening. Sabrina fell to her knees weeping and clutching her chest. The police officer trying to comfort her and her pushing him away, a blanket as if from nowhere appeared on her shoulders. She had no idea who gave it to her to this day, she could not remember who had given her the blanket.

The doorbell rang. She opened it, it was her brother James. He looked at her with a saddened expression that said a lot.

"You look terrible," he hugged her. James noted her face, she had dark circles under them like she had not slept in years, she was wearing her green woolen cardigan and it smelled like it had not been washed in weeks. She used to wear it all the time in university when she studied for exams. Her hair was greasy and up in a messy bun that was tangled with a scrunchy. Her sweat pants hung low on her hips, but she did not seem to care. James could not think of the last time she looked so terrible, her whole face was sunken in.

"I'm doing okay," she lied.

"It's been four months now, I think you need to try to"

"What? move on? pretend as nothing happened?" she questioned James.

"No, it's time to face what happened, you can't close yourself off again like you did when mom died," James pointed out. "Go take a shower, you stink," he said as he got closer to her. She stared long and hard at him when finally she spun around and went to the bathroom. Sabrina stared at herself in the mirror, she was completely unrecognizable to herself. Her brother was right, she hated it but he was right. She stripped off her clothes and took a shower, she washed her hair and she spotted Gavin's shampoo it was men's head 'n' shoulders. She opened the bottle and smelled it. it smelled like him, Sabrina tipped the bottle over and squeezed out the continents she watched it go down the drain. After showering, she changed her clothes finally, she took the pile of newspaper and placed them in the firepit. Sabrina grabbed Gavin's mug and put it in the wash. James watched her do all this, all she needed was a push. She just needed a small push.

Sabrina looked at James. "I'm going to be okay," she said but she did not smile. "I think I will be fine," she said trying to convince herself.

"I think you are getting better, I am staying over," said James because there was no way he believed her, but eventually she would be fine. James stared at the pond. It will be okay.