Ex Talk

Chapter 1

“That does it for today’s Blu AllMen Show,” I smiled at the camera. The wig on my head weighed as much as a baby and I couldn’t wait to take it off. “And as always, love trumps hate.”

“And we’re out,” the director called to me. He walked up and handed me some notes, mostly that my makeup seemed to be caked on. “The network is pleased with how everything is going, we’re up in the ratings for a third week.”

People often complained that their jobs on Wall Street were full of sharks but those people never worked in syndicated talk. The people who worked in this industry were among the most ruthless that I’d ever met and I worked the drag circuit for ages.

“If her ratings are so good, then why is she still syndicated? She should be anchoring a show on MSNBC,” it was one of my dads. I turned to see it was Daddy Evan. “They don’t have any drag queens on there and they really should.”

“Dad,” I admonished through a smile. My dads adopted me when I was a wee one and always encouraged me to follow my dreams. When I’d shown an aptitude for stage and creating a character, they sent me to theater camp. They really encouraged me. “Not now.”

“If not now, when?” He asked. After I graduated and went to college, I came home and told them that I was not only gay but a drag performer. I’d expected them to be mad but instead, they set about getting me dresses and wigs that were far more professional than the ones I used before. “You’re the highest rated drag queen talk show in the world.”

“I’m the only drag queen talk show in the world,” I countered. One of the producers came to tell me something and another director walked onto the stage, likely to ask me about a show he was getting ready to work on. Softly, I whispered, “pause.”

Everything stopped. Did I forget to mention that I have magical powers? That tidbit came out when I was a kid, neither of my dads knew what to make of it and didn’t know who my biological parents were to ask them. I played with my abilities and learned what I could do the hard way. The only rule my parents gave me was to never use it to take away someone’s free will. That was a no-brainer.

I touched my dad and sprang back to life. After looking around, “needed a break?”

“Being a top rated talk show host is great,” I smiled at my good fortune. Then I sighed, “but it’s also a lot of work. Sometimes I don’t know that I want to keep doing it,” the look on his face told me I needed to stop him in his tracks, “and I don’t want to be the next Rachel Maddow, dad.”

“Rachel Maddow?” He cocked his eyebrow, “I think you need to try being the next Chris Hayes first.”

“Will you settle for me being the next Rosie O’Donnell?”

“If I must,” he smiled.

Before I could answer, a call came through on my cell phone. I hit accept, “hello?”

“Blu, I need your help.”

Chapter 2

The person on the other end of the call was my ex-boyfriend, Phoenix Phelps. He identified as straight but his taste in romantic partners was decidedly not of the female variety. Source: we dated for three years.

“What’s going on Phoenix,” I asked. My dad made a motion to cut the conversation or to slit my ex’s throat, with him, you never could tell. “What do you need my help with?”

“The police think that I hooked up with my kill for the night,” he said. Somewhere in his brain, the hamster wasn’t on the wheel. Or in his head. “Please come to the station and get me. Please, I’m scared.”

“Give me a few,” I answered. My dad shot me an annoyed look. “I’ll bring Dad Evan with me, he can defend you.” He thanked me profusely as we hung up. Before my father could say anything, I whispered, “unpause.” Everything sprang back to life before my dad could yell at me. Before they brought me the issues that needed to be dealt with, I yelled, “I can take care of everything later on. Right now, my father and I are going to the Hudson Island Police Department.”

“Why?” the director of today’s episode demanded.

“Because I want to pick up some hot cops,” I shot back. Whoever said that having a show that bore your name opened up opportunities obviously never worked in the talk show field. “We can resume shooting tomorrow.”

Objections were thrown at me but I grabbed my dad’s hand and we ran out of the studio. The great thing about my parents was that even if they disagreed with me, they would still do whatever I asked of them. But I would hear about it for the rest of time.

The production team let their unhappiness be known but nobody attempted to stop me. Once Dad and I were outside, he turned to me, “what in Glitter-era Mariah were you thinking? Volunteering me to defend that person?”

My dad is being subtle as always. “You’re the best lawyer on the island, there’s no one who can defend him better.” Flattery always worked wonders.

“Even still, we’re only 20 miles from New York, he can certainly find another lawyer to defend him,” Dad shook his head but climbed into the passenger side of my Porsche Taycan. “I don’t know why you think it’s necessary for me to do it.”

I didn’t answer, I just drove to the police station. Once we were there, I was sidelined but my father was allowed to go back. There was no one else in the waiting room, Hudson Island was a tourist destination with only a handful of us being permanent residents. As a result, there was very little crime and almost no major incidents.

Dad came back and shook his head, “you can come back. I need your help deciphering what the hell he’s saying.”

We walked back in silence. When we got to the interrogation room, Phoenix sat on one side of the table with his head down. Without preamble, I barged in and demanded, “what happened?”

“There was this cute girl, well not a girl but you know my type, anyway we hit off and were gonna hook up. I got to his place and the door was open. There he was just waiting for me…”

“Phoe, please tell me you didn’t…” I shivered at the thought. When he was ready to Netflix and chill, what little of his brain left his head.

“Of course not!” he looked at me with a hurt expression on his face. “Once I realized that he wasn’t breathing, I called the police. And let them know I was straight but didn’t mind being with a femboy.”

“The problem is,” Dad Evan said with a voice full of authority, “that the victim was shot three times and strangled. And when the police showed up, Phoenix here insisted he was hetero and that he was only interested because he needed the company of another person.”

My ex threw his hands up in an “I don’t know” expression, indicating he thought what he said was perfectly reasonable. Which in his defense, he thought it was but I tended to side with my dad on this one. The less said to the police, the better.

“I’ll attempt to get you a bail hearing,” Dad said. Then he looked at me, “but we’re going to have an uphill battle.”

“I’ll look into who else might have wanted this guy dead,” I said. “What’s his name?”

“I don’t know. The screenname was FemBoi69,” Phoenix shrugged. “Sounded like a girl to me, right? Like it was a deceptive name but it never bothered me to stick it in a dude.”

Before my dad could answer, I pushed him out of the room. In the hallway, I asked, “how bad does this look for him?”

“Unless we find the real killer, he’s a dead man walking.”

Chapter 3

The great thing about Phoenix is that all of his passwords were the same. So getting into his dating site profiles was easier than him after two beers. But to my astonishment, there were no messages from someone with that screen name.

Frustrated, I leaned back and thought about where else people found sexual partners. Then it dawned on me that maybe he had a hookup app. I went to his apartment, he’d never asked for the key back, and found his iPad. It was unlikely he had it on there but thanks to Apple’s cloud system, I could download it and see if there were any messages or anything I missed.

Much to my surprise, the photo folder was filled with dudes showing their rear ends and women showing their ta-tas. There was no denying that a lot of people wanted to hook up with my ex.

One of the naked people was his ex, Misty LeSue. Phoenix’s ex-girlfriend and current stalker. Her picture triggered something in the recesses of my brain, so I checked his messages. Sure enough, she’d been hitting on him. Asking when the last time he was with a “real woman” and if he wanted to take her to paradise. He answered he couldn’t afford the tickets.

There was another chat with FemBoi69. I opened it and was floored by the conversation. Neither of the men hid their lusty feelings. Or their body parts. If Freshmen magazine wanted to relaunch with new models, these two would be at the top of their list.

Something caught my eye in one of the pictures that FemBoi sent. There was an OnlyFans watermark on it. Upon closer look at the pictures, I discovered that while similar they were all different.

Was this guy even real?

The door to Phoenix’s apartment opened, and I sucked in a deep breath. My dad was good but there was no way that he was able to secure my ex’s release this fast. But who would be coming into his place without him being home? Besides me.

Ducking behind the counter, I held my breath. In a worst-case situation, I could use my powers to escape danger. Physical danger, anyway.

“Blu, I can see your nappy wig,” Misty called out. “You might as well come out. And maybe run a comb through your hair.”

“It’s amazing that you can walk without tripping over your sagging breasts,” I shot back as I stood up. “I saw the picture you sent to Phoe, man you are desperate.”

“He loves me,” she insisted. “Just right now, he doesn’t realize that we are meant to be together. I mean, it’s not like the two of you have a future together. He’s heterosexual. That means he doesn’t have an attraction to men.”

For some reason, this woman always baited me into stupid arguments. I shouldn’t let her but I always did. “Except he and I were together for three years, which is about four years longer than he was with you,” I raised my eyebrow. The hit was direct and it angered her that I was only slightly exaggerating. “Some people just don’t know when they’re not wanted anymore. If Phoenix wanted to reconcile with you, he would have done it. Instead, he’s sought out femboys and other people.”

An alarm went off above her head. This wasn’t a physical alarm but part of my powers. It indicated that she had something to hide, that there was some secret that she was hiding from the rest of the world.

“I know you think you’re magic or you have magical dirty bits but you can’t make someone,” she said, then added with disgust in her voice, “like you.”

There were two choices I could make, one was to continue to engage in the homophobic conversation or I could clue her into what was happening with the man that we both cared about. Choosing the latter, “listen as much as I would love to keep outwitting you, Phoenix needs my help. He’s been accused of murder.”

“Murder?” Even though she tried to act surprised, she wasn’t. “Who did that lamb of a man allegedly kill?”

Something was off about the way she was acting. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was but I knew it was there. “He had a hookup, when he got there the guy was dead.”

“No,” Misty’s eyes grew wide. “No, no, no.”

Chapter 4

After my conversation with Misty, I called Dad Evan and filled him in. He agreed that something was amiss but insisted that I leave the mystery solving to the police. Please. The last case they got the bottom of was Bud Light.

I could not leave Phoenix’s future in their hands. If he were to be saved, there was only one person who could do it; me. But I didn’t know where to start. Sitting in my car, I kept going over in my head everything I’d found out in his apartment and the conversation with Misty. There was something there.

A knock on my window brought my attention back to the present moment. I rolled it down, “sorry, officer. I didn’t mean to break any laws. Is there any way you could let me off with a warning.”

His smile was so bright it nearly blinded me. He lowered his glasses and I wanted to go swimming in his eyes, they were so blue that a pool would be jealous. “Ms. Allmen, you didn’t break any laws. Your father asked me to come assist you in the investigation. He said that if he knew his child, you’d be looking for a murderer.” Another smile and the breath left my body. “There was also something about you wanting a man in uniform, I assume he meant to escort you around.”

“Yep, that’s what he meant,” I said through my eyes traveled down his body which was covered by a uniform that hugged him like icing on a cake. “Where do we start to find the person who really killed Femboi69?”

He shot me a confused look, “you mean Trace Diamond?”

“Yeah,” maybe finding his real name would have been a good first step in my investigation. “Also, what’s your name?” If I was going to fantasize about him doing unspeakable things, I might as well have his moniker to shout out in my wet dreams.

“Paul Horn. Officer Paul Horn,” he answered. Then as if he knew the jokes that were forming in my mind, “Most of my colleagues call me Horny. You can call me yours…”

I nearly fainted at the thought. “What do you think we should do first, Paul?”

“Maybe looking at the crime scene will spur something,” then he looked at me. “Mind if I ride you, er, ride with you.”

If this man didn’t stop playing, Phoenix would stay in jail and I would be sharing quite a few hours with the officer in the sheets.

Chapter 5

“If something tingles your senses or your abilities, let me know,” Paul said. He held the yellow police tape up for me to duck through, then he followed me in. “Your father told me about your magic and I have the same abilities.”

I turned to face him. “You have the same the same powers as I do? I thought I was the only around the island.”

“Nope,” he laughed. “There’s a whole group of us. We wondered if there was someone else but can’t exactly ask people if they can stop time or read people’s minds. At least not if we don’t want to end up in the psych ward.”

Nothing about Trace’s apartment seemed out of place. His iPad was on the coffee table, along with his laptop. Neither were charged, even if they were, I couldn’t get into them though. Not without knowing the passwords to appease the Apple Gods.

“We’ve already checked his electronics,” Paul informed me. His voice was as smooth as silk. “There was nothing on there, other than a few messages from his OnlyFans page. They were dirty but legal… somehow. Outside of his messages with Phoenix, there were very few others. One grabbed my attention, it was threatening but the number is untraceable.”

“What did it say?” I asked. Trying to place the vibe of the place. It felt like Trace’s hormones were racing when he was killed but there was no anger, almost as if he didn’t fear the person who ended his life. “Something is off about this.”

“Why?”

“Trace wasn’t afraid of the person. He was ready to have sex,” I said. Though I began to wonder if my own feelings were being projected onto the poor victim. “I’m not picking up on any anger in here.”

“Me either. Something that my brethren took to mean that Phoenix must be the one who did it. Even though there is little evidence to suggest it,” Paul said. Then looked around, “we could try to do a rewind spell to see if we can find out who the culprit is. It can’t be used as evidence but it would give us something to go on.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something. Not Paul’s rear, though that was in my peripheral vision too. It was a camera. How had the police managed to miss this with their investigation? I walked over and picked it up. It was still recording. “I don’t think we’ll need to do that.”

Paul smiled and grabbed it from my hand. When his fingers brushed mine, it was as if a volcano exploded within me. We both stepped back, trying to catch our respective breaths. “This is a great find. We just need to find a laptop,” both of us looked at the one on the coffee table. “One that works.”

“I should have one in my car,” I answered. Without waiting for him to say anything, I ran down to my car. As luck would have it, I did leave it in my car before filming the show. The air was thick and something triggered my fight or flight response. But I ignored it. We had procured the evidence that would clear Phoenix.

“What took so long?” Paul asked as I let myself back into the apartment. “I was beginning to think that you ran away from me.”

He was teasing but it took everything I had in me to say that nobody would ever run away from him. “I had a weird feeling out…”

Before I could finish my sentence, I saw the front window panel being shattered by a bullet. Without thinking, I threw myself on the hot cop. We landed with me on top of him.

“If you wanted me to get in this position all you had to do was ask,” he cracked before my vision came true. The glass shattered all around us.

Chapter 6

“Misty you have a bad habit of showing up where I am,” I said, full of snark. We couldn’t see her but I knew it had to be her. “If you could try to avoid me from now on, that would be great.”

“Avoid you?” The voice indeed belonged to Misty. She made her way into the apartment, her eyes on me and Paul. “It’s like you’re stalking me. I’d ask the officer to arrest you but clearly you’ve already tackled him.” We got up and I noticed the gun in her hand. She waved it around as if to remind us that she had the upper hand. “I just came here to tie up some loose ends.”

“Like killing us?” Paul asked. Even when he was asking stupid questions, he looked hot.

“Pause,” I whispered. Everything froze in place. I went to tag the hot cop but he was already moving around. “Why didn’t you freeze like everything else.”

“Because he’s magic like us,” Misty answered. She pulled the trigger on the gun but nothing happened. “Damnit. I was hoping that I could still shoot you guys and get out of here like I did with that stupid twink.”

“Why’d you kill him?” I asked. If I was going to be trapped with a psycho, I figured I might as well keep her talking. Maybe I could come up with a plan to subdue her and Paul could have one of his buddies come down to arrest her. “I mean, wouldn’t it have been easier for you to tell him not to sleep with Phoenix?”

Misty laughed, it was a mix of maniacal and sad. “If it were only that simple. The plan was to lure Phoenix here and I was going to take his place with my bae. It should have been easy enough and I certainly paid him handsomely but then he backed out of the deal. Sent the money back and all that,” she shook her head in disbelief. “My perfect plan to get pregnant by the man I love was going sideways. I warned him, I told him if he didn’t abide by the deal there would be consequences. But he didn’t listen.”

“So, you came over and killed him? Not caring that it would be caught on video?” I asked and Paul shot me a look. It wasn’t a lusty one but anytime he looked at me, my heart fluttered a bit. “She had to know, if she’s as magical as she claims.”

“All that tape will show is that someone who looks like Trace killed him. In fact, it might raise more questions than it answers. Like how there were two of this dude running around.”

A thought hit me and a quick look over at Paul told me he was thinking the same thing. The person who was killed was not Trace Diamond. It was Misty LeSue.

Trace was the killer.

Chapter 7

Paul stood up and looked at the impostor. He smiled at them and waved his hand as if he were washing a glass table with Windex. The disguise fell away with very little trouble. Trace stood before us, furious. But the hot cop pounced on him, placing the handcuffs on his hands. “You’re under arrest for the murder of Misty….”

“LeSue,” I told him. Maybe helping him out with that would land me a hot date with a man who could be the sun.

“Misty LeSue.”

“Good luck proving it,” Trace sneered. “Everyone thinks that I’m dead and you can’t put a dead man on trial.”

“Think again,” Daddy Evan said as he walked up with a few officers. “I thought you might be in trouble, so I brought a few friends with me.”

As the cops read Trace his rights, I looked at my dad. “This was a weird case. I mean, I was certain that Misty was the killer, not the victim,” tears formed in my eyes. “And she was a pain in the ass but she didn’t deserve to be killed. I’d give anything to cross swords with her again. Have her say something about how Phoenix would only love her and how he isn’t gay.”

“Sweetheart, sometimes people’s lights are turned out too soon. But that doesn’t mean that you have to let her go, she could always be hanging around as a ghost or maybe she’ll be reincarnated as your familiar. You’re going to need one if you plan on solving more mysteries.”

“Can you imagine her trying to help me? It would be much more believable if she tried to kill me.”

“Could be both.”

“We need to clear out of here,” Paul told us. We followed him out of the apartment. He pulled out his phone and dialed the station. After telling them what happened, he assured whoever he was speaking to that we would give a statement. Once he clicked off, “Phoenix will be released from jail any minute now. They just need to process the paperwork.”

Epilouge

I stood in front of my audience, watching their reaction as I unraveled the murder that happened. I’d left out the part about it being magic, no sense in making people think that I was just trying to grab ratings with a fantasy story. Some people on the boards were already guessing that magic was part of it.

Once we gave our statements, Paul asked me to go on a date with him. Phoenix overheard and was upset but wished me the best. After I finished shooting this episode, I needed to get out of drag and meet him at the restaurant. Who knew if this would lead anywhere but if it led to his bed, I wouldn’t complain one bit.

Trace confessed to killing Misty but claimed self-defense. Prosecutors looked into his claim and he was released because they agreed. She’d threatened him and they said he had no other choice but to save himself. It hurt more than it should have that her killer went free but then it seemed to be one more thing in her tragic life.

That does it for this Blu AllMen story. And as always, love trumps hate.