Contents Won't Settle During Shipping

My cousin is awesome.

I would say she's like a younger me, but glittering generalities in the genetics department only get you so far. She's kind of like me, but more like an alternate me who's taking other paths in life. My life has also been awesome so far, like hers, but... differently. Other paths in life, paths where I chose differently, paths where Life took me for a left-hand turn in Albuquerque.

Like basketball. I was okay when I tried out, but breaking a finger in practice put a stop to that – mostly because I took a Spanish class to fill the time, because I was bored and benched. And though I was given some classes by Olympic coaches in volleyball, I shredded my knee a month before I got the acceptance letter to the college team. Broke my heart, because other opportunities and intended career paths died with limited mobility. Too injured for active aspirations, and too healthy to get the surgery and rehab. Lovely.

My coz knew these things, and didn't blow out her knees, and is doing amazingly well in practice and on the courts. She takes care of herself quite well. She uses me as an example of why she does it that way.

And take theater, for instance. She's pretty good! Not scholarship good, but real close. Good enough to take lead roles and do well in regional theater. And I'm not saying that because I coached her behind the scenes, trading lines and switching parts to give her a feel for emoting and character and reacting to lines instead of just reciting them.

So when she called me with a “bit of a problem,” I wondered if it was some of her acting skills coming out to downplay the situation.

She'd bagged the trip to Europe, to showcase basketball on tour. At the end, the top twenty players were guaranteed scholarships to the school of their choice. Sweet!

But she was also tapped for a supporting role in an upcoming movie, with some hotshot director or something. At the same time. She couldn't do both, of course, so she'd recommended me for the role. It was for a middle-aged female, anyways, and we were so much alike, the director was intrigued.

I laughed, but hey, why not? I could at least meet this guy, see was all the fuss was about.

She didn't tell me the hotshot director was Taika Waititi, the freaking weasel.

I mean my cousin's the weasel, not Taika. Though I can see the confusion, he's got a twisted mind too.

I'll give him this – he wasn't daunted by my “definite middle-aged shape,” that's for sure. I've lived a lot in my half-century, and it shows. I do not take care of myself like actors who need to stay fit for roles. But he was delighted with that, it fit the character even better. Gave it authenticity. I wasn't fake, that's for sure. He handed me a script, we ran some lines, and before you know it, I'm having a lawyer read over a standard contract. Getting my SAG card was a thrill!

It didn't take me long to find the sex scene in the script, and wouldn't you know it, it was with him. As usual he was taking a part in a film he directed, and my “supporting role” was going to be up close and personal with Taika on the big screen!

With this body? I mean, really?? So we had a chat. I wanted to know for certain-sure that Mx. Ora would be okay with this. There's really very little room on set for anything other than professionalism – time is money, and there's millions riding on the outcome, there's no wiggle room for literal fooling around. I didn't want any questions lingering about the nature of our non-relationship. I know the difference between a character and my actual life. With an actual husband.

Well, he made a call, and didn't Rita come to the set herself! It might make others extremely nervous, but it calmed me right down. Sure, the tabloids ran with the gossip, but I was in a half-leotard for the closeups, and it was Rita herself who kept my elbow from getting in the way of the camera. You can almost see her hand in the one still, if you know where to look. Sure, my “huge tracts of land” are kinda saggy (understatement), but they perk up pretty nice in the cold. It looked good enough on camera!

Enough to get me an Oscar nomination, and Taika too for Best Director! I wasn't even near the phone when the announcement was made, but my cell started blowing up reeeal fast.

My cousin? Laughing her toned tushie off. Weasel. We talked about that, and she said she didn't have the experience chops to do the role justice. Her words, not mine. Theater was a love, but secondary to her passion for sports. She nailed that scholarship, by the way, and was going to college on a free ride. Well, I think she earned it, but I'm biased. Of course the tabloids tried to stir some stercum that never existed, it was funny for a while when they'd jump out with their cameras to “catch” me being angry with co-workers, famous actors, Taika... Revenge was sweet, literally. The multicolor gelatin fight was wickedly gratifying, and as staged as any Hollywood scene. I won't tell you who directed it, though.

I drew the line at the camera clods bothering my husband. He didn't want that type of attention in his life, so we carved some hard lines in the sand. Eventually the paparazzi got the hint. I wasn't kidding about the bear spray if they didn't get their act together. It only took one incident for them to realize we weren't playing.

Taika was even sneaky enough to get Rita, my cousin, and my hubby into the Oscars as disguised seat warmers. That was fun! That smile on my face, when the cameras were on me? Because hubs was right aside of me, and no one knew. Rita looked amazing but nothing like herself, and the media was trying so hard to ship me and Taika, which is absurd. Look at Rita. Now look at me. My boobs can't compete, much less the rest of me, thanks all the same. Rita and Taika just click, they're on the same wavelength. Like me and hubs, when we're vibing. Same level. Director and directed? Yeah, no – the power imbalance is baked into the relationship. But try telling that to a media juggernaut trying to sell more product.

And let me tell you, sex scenes are anything but sexy when you've got cameras at all the weirdest angles to catch facial expressions. And boobs. And warm fuzzy blankets between scenes. It gets darn cold in the studio. You think that perky was all me? Please. I wasn't that perky when I was that perky!

That shot of Taika dipping Rita and kissing her passionately when we were all on stage for his Oscar, instead of me, was delicious. My win earlier was fun, but unexpected. I mean, who votes for the dark horse to win? The Sidibays of this world are treated with mere tolerance for extraordinary roles, but ultimately we don't fit into Hollywood's fake image. I guess, every once in a while, we get our day in the sun.

Taika's giddy about it. He's going to sneak me into every project he takes on, just for kicks. Small parts, which suits me quite well. I'm fine with him making me into a bit-part baddie in the next superhero movie, or Third Female in the Background at the Diner. I'll ride my fifteen minutes, get a few splashy roles, then fade into obscurity.

I asked him, why not all of us? My cousin, my husband, Rita? I mean, good luck getting her to fade into the background, because, come on, stage presence! I'm pretty sure the force of her personality enters a room about three blocks away from her car as she approaches.

Maybe my cousin will take over for me after she puts her sports career to rest. Who knows?

Maybe we'll come up with more divertingly evil ways to torture Hollywood cronies.