Calling Moscow - 5

The following conversation took place on Jan.6, 2022, one year after Trump supporters attacked the US Capitol.

“Hello, Vlad?”

“Yes, Donnie, is it something urgent? I’m kinda busy right now.”

“Well, I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.”

“I’m not Armenian, Donnie.”

“I know that, Vlad. You are Russian, dah.”

“So why do you call to wish me Merry Christmas on Armenian Christmas Day?”

“Isn’t today Russian Christmas too?”

“It’s tomorrow, Donnie.”

“Oops. I thought it was today. Anyway, what are you so busy with, Vlad?”

“Many things, Donnie. Today’s Christmas Eve, I was supposed to stand in church for hours and then celebrate with my loved ones…”

“Oh, oh, your loved ones, Vlad, who are they? Wife, kids?”

Putin, ignoring the question, “Instead, I have to deal with this huge mess in Kazakhstan.”

“Kazah… what?”

“Kazakhstan, Donnie, Ka-zakh-stan. It’s a big country in Central Asia, used to be a part of the Soviet Union.”

“Aha-aha, I knew it.”

“Did you really, Donnie?”

“Yes, of course. I’ve been briefed on it. It’s just there are so many of those “stans” there: Afghanistan, Pakistan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, Turdukistan…”

“You mean Turkmenistan?”

“That’s exactly what I said, Vlad.”

“Not exactly, but who cares, really. As you say, too many of them” (both chuckle).

“So, what’s up in Kazakh land?”

“Don’t you ever read the news, Donnie?”

“Nope, not really. Only if Melania reads something to me out loud at breakfast sometimes.”

“Don’t you still get the presidential security briefs? I thought all ex-presidents get them.”

“I was supposed to, but Biden stopped them after January 6 last year. Now I only get the news clippings, nothing classified…”

“Kazakhstan has been all over the news since the New Year’s, Donnie.”

“Not here, it hasn’t.”

“I’m sure it’s there in your news clippings.” To the side, “I’d give anything to look at what you get in your briefings, Donnie, if not for the info then just for fun.”

“Maybe, Vlad, but who has time to read all that crap?”

“You, Donnie, you have all the time in the world now that you are retired,” (getting aggravated). “Some of us can only dream of living on a luxury golf club without winters!”

“Is that what you think of me now, Vlad? That I only play golf???” (feigns being offended).

“What else do you do all day, Donnie? Sleep and eat does not count,” to the side “and I doubt you get any sex now.”

“Well, I… I… I still help Don Jr. and Eric run the Trump Organization, we talk often and meet like once a month or so.”

“A-ha, a-ha, what else?”

“I meet with my donors and supporters, craft my statements… Like today, I was supposed to give a big presser, for which I was getting ready for like three months, but I had to cancel it…”

“Oh yeah, why is that?”

“Well, I wanted to raise the spirits of those who went to the Capitol last year to support me. Wanted to call them patriots and say that they were right to demand the fake election to be cancelled. Because Sleepy Joe did not win the election, I won the election.”

“Sure, Donnie, and???” (impatient)

“Everyone kept saying that it would make it worse for me. That it would actually play for the Unselect Committee and give them the reason to question and prosecute me for January 6. So I decided to lay low today, but I will say everything I want to say at my Arizona rally in a couple of days.”

“Good for you, Donnie, good for you.”

“Are you being sarcastic with me now, Vlad?”

“Of course I am. I’m dealing with the huge mess here and you don’t even watch the news…”

“I do watch the news, Vlad.”

“You obviously don’t, Donnie, since you don’t even know what’s going on in Kazakhstan.”

“I mean the US news, Vlad. I watch One America Network and Newsmax, FoxNews is not what it used to be. Can’t stand it anymore.”

“OAN and Newsmax are not news, Donnie. Pure propaganda. You’d be better off watching Russia Today.”

“Wow. Maybe I should start doing that, Vlad, thanks for the advice. But what about Kazakhstan, again?”

Putin, to the side, “Hard to tell if he stays on it to please me or to piss me off.”

“There were large protests there because of the high gas prices, Kazakhstan’s wimpy president Tokayev fired his entire government but still couldn’t appease the rioters.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.”

“Yeah, so Tokayev asked me to provide him with military assistance under the Joint Security Agreement we have.”

“Oh, no, that’s so bad!”

“Why do you say so, Donnie?”

“If you get involved, Vlad, you may face new sanctions for meddling in another country’s internal affairs.”

“Ha! But that’s the thing, Donnie, Tokayev said that the rioters are not ‘protesters’ but ‘terrorist gangs’ funded and supported by foreign powers. That allows us to evoke the joint security agreement against a foreign aggressor. I don’t need another western-sponsored color revolution in my backyard!”

“I understand, Vlad, but you already got yourself into trouble for meddling in Ukraine. Why do you need another headache?”

“Exactly, Donnie, this is another big headache for me! I can only imagine how happy Zelensky is now that there’s this distraction in Kazakhstan.”

“Right, so don’t do it.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Send your troops and weapons to Kazakhstan.”

“See, if that is done within the Joint Security Agreement, it can be presented as a peacekeeping operation. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

“Alright, Vlad, I hope you know what you are doing.”

“I do, Donnie. Besides, it might be a good reason for me to return some of the Russian lands from Kazakhstan to Russia.”

“What do you mean, Vlad?”

“Did you ever learn any history, Donnie?”

“History of Russia, you mean? Why would I? I hardly know any history of America” (chuckles).

“Right. Anyway, the northern part of Kazakhstan used to be Russia, Siberia.”

“Oh really? I didn’t know that.”

“I think we have already established that, Donnie.”

“Yeah, sarcasm again. I get it. So what’s your plan? Are you going to get those lands back? Like Crimea?”

“This is what I’m trying to decide right now. I didn’t want to get into their affairs at all, but Naz is still a friend, or more like an uncle, and I don’t like the way he is pushed out of all power structures.”

“Naz? Who’s Naz?”

“Nazarbayev, former president of Kazakhstan who installed the current one, Tokayev, because he thought he would not touch Naz and his family. Looks like Tokayev is trying to concentrate power.”

“I see. So you are supporting Tokayev with the military force?”

“Yeah, I know it sounds strange, but that’s what I’m doing now because Tokayev asked me officially through the Organization of Joint Security Agreement. Once the protests are over, I can take the Russian land back as punishment for Tokayev. That way, I hope I will make it right for Naz. It might also be a chance for me to get Kazakhstan out of the Chinese influence.”

“Oh, Chinese are there too?”

“Chinese money is, yes.”

“China is everywhere! I’m pretty sure they’ve plotted with Biden against me, too.”

“Whoa, Donnie, you certainly know how to make everything about yourself, don’t you? Alright, I need to go now: I just got a report that there are new shootings and killings in Kazakhstan’s capital Almaty.”

“Alright, Vlad. I’m sure you’ll handle everything exactly the way you see it. I’ll call you tomorrow to say Merry Christmas again. Bye.”

“Alright, Donnie. Bye.” After hanging up, “He is so exhausting. I need to think of something not to take his call tomorrow.”