Moscow's Calling - 4

The following conversation took place on Dec.23, 2021, after Putin performed his annual 3.5-hour TV show of a live conference call with citizens and journalists where he answered a total of 44 questions. For his own memorable performance, Trump gave an interview to Candace Owens.

"Hello, Donnie?" (sounding chipper).

"Yes, Vlad, I'm so happy you called! You sound like you are in a good mood?"

"I am, Donnie, I am indeed. I'm pretty happy today."

"Yeah? What's so special about today?"

"Didn't you watch my presser?"

"Umm?"

"My marathon annual press-conference, Donnie, where I answer questions from citizens and journalists for 3.5 hours or even more. I remember you used to like them when you were the president."

“Did I?”

“At least that’s what you told me. Didn’t you?”

“I’m just teasing you, Vlad. I did like them. And of course I watched it today, Vlad.”

“Yeah?” (suspicious) “Where?”

“At my home.”

“No, I mean which channel?”

“You wouldn’t believe it, but C-Span showed it in its entirety.”

“Ha! That’s indeed surprising, for a channel that covers US government proceedings.”

“Yeah, I guess they consider you important, Vlad.”

“Ha! I didn’t expect that. So what did you think about it, Donnie?”

“You were great, Vlad!”

“What did you like the most about it?”

“You were very firm and presidential.”

“A-ha.”

“And I liked the way you drew the new red line by demanding Biden to promise not to expand NATO to the East.”

“Oh yeah, the security guarantee, you’ve nailed it!”

“I told you last time you’d figure it out.”

“So do you think Biden will get the message?”

“I really don’t know, Vlad. Everyone here is busy getting ready for Christmas. I think he won’t rush with the answer and will seek council of his stupid advisers.”

“All right, I guess I can wait a couple of days. What else can I do, right?”

“I don’t know, maybe invade Ukraine?” (both chuckle)

“Do you think I should do that, Donnie?”

“Oh no, Vlad, I think that would be a bad move in your situation.”

“Why? I’m kind of warming up to the idea.”

“You will be isolated even more.”

“No I won’t. Europe cannot live without my oil and gas.”

“Are you sure, Vlad? I mean they keep saying that, but they are building their renewables and Norway has a lot of oil too.”

“Whose side are you on, Donnie? Why do you have to rain on my parade?”

“Of course I’m all for you, especially now that I have no dog of my own in this fight. I would like you to stick it to the Europeans, especially Merkel and the Shrimp, for how they treated me. They treated me so badly, Vlad, it’s unbelievable. No respect at all…”

“Merkel is gone, Donnie.”

“You don’t say! When?”

“A couple of weeks ago.”

“Oh my, too bad for her, I guess. Was it COVID?”

“Seriously, Donnie? She is alive, she just isn’t the chancellor anymore.”

“Phew. Good for her, I guess. I kinda liked her. She is tough. But what happened?”

“She just decided to step down, after 16 years in power. Got tired, I guess.”

“16 years!” (sounds genuinely surprised). “Wow! I wish I could be the US president for 16 years!”

“I told you many times you could have just taken the power over, Donnie. And stayed president as long as you wanted to do. But no, you kept telling me how it’s impossible in your precious democracy.”

“Yeah, too late now. Biden rigged the election. But anyway, what happened to Merkel?”

“C’mon, Donnie. Didn’t you hear about the German elections in September? They’ve been on the news for more than a year.”

“Honestly, I may have, but since I’m not a president anymore, I don’t pay much attention to this. So who is the new guy or gal in Germany?”

“A guy, named Olaf Scholz.”

“Never heard of him. Well, good luck to him, I guess. Is he like Merkel?”

“Pretty much.”

“Then you’ll have no problem working with him.”

“We’ll see, Donnie. Time will tell. Speaking of COVID, I’ve seen your own great performance today.”

“Yeah? Which one?” (sounds flattered)

“Your interview with Candace Owens.”

“Ah, yeah. You liked it?”

“Yeah, you were good, as always. But why did you have to say that vaccines are effective, and people should take them? Isn’t that going against what your base believes? Wouldn’t you alienate them?”

“Perhaps. But I was told that if don’t encourage my people to take the vaccine there will be no one to vote for me in 2024 if I decide to run again.”

“Oh yeah? Why?”

“Because they die like flies when they are not vaccinated, Vlad. Also, everyone gives credit to Biden for developing the vaccine and getting more people vaccinated. But it was I who developed the vaccine! Operation Warp Speed! It was I, I, I!” (getting worked up)

“You don’t need to tell me that, Vlad, I know. It was just a little surprising to hear, as most of your base is against vaccination.”

“It’s for their own good, Vlad. For their own good.”

“If you say so, Donnie. I have my own problems with vaccination in Russia.”

“Oh yeah? What kind of problems?”

“Well, my misinformation campaign about the COVID vaccines aimed at the West turned out so effective that it returned to Russia, like a boomerang, and my people don’t want to get vaccinated because they think the government, my government, wants to kill them.”

“I see. I guess you overdid it, Vlad.”

“I guess I did indeed. But I’m working on it. If they want to live a more or less normal life they’ll have to take it, with the QR codes and all.”

“I hope it works out the way you want, Vlad.”

“It will, Donnie. It always does, one way or another.”

“I know it will, Vlad. You are a strong leader, and your people love you.”

“They do indeed, Donnie. Most of them, anyway.”

“What are you doing for holidays this year, Vlad?”

“I don’t know yet, probably just chill at my summer home.”

“Oh yeah, where is that?”

“Gelendhzik.”

“Never heard of it.”

“It’s better that way, Donnie, believe me.”

“Vlad, how come you never speak of your family? At least your kids? How many do you have?”

“The ones that I know of?” (chuckles)

“That’s a good one, Vlad. Yeah, at least the ones that you know of.”

“I don’t know, five or six, give or take.”

“Wow! I have five as well, that I know of” (both laugh). “What are their names?”

“Don Jr, Ivanka, Eric, Tiffany, and Barron.”

“That’s a good one, Vlad, I know the names of my kids. What about yours? I don’t know any of them!”

“It’s better that way, Donnie, believe me.”

“You keep saying that, Vlad. Why so secretive?”

“I have too many enemies, Donnie. Enemies always think of kids as a weak spot and a way to get to me.”

“But I’m your friend, Vlad.”

“Of course you are. But you know what they say, the secret is no secret anymore if more than one person knows it.”

“Don’t your kids know you are their father?”

“At least two of them do, my eldest daughters. The others, not so much. Anyway, I have to go now, Donnie.”

“Oh, Ok. Is it something I said?”

“No, Donnie, I just have to take care of some business.”

“Alright then. Just don’t invade the fucking Ukraine!” (fake laugh).

“I won’t, Donnie. I want to, but I won’t. At least not yet, not before I hear from Biden.”

“That’s good. Give the world a break at least for the holidays.”

“I will, Donnie. Merry Christmas!”

“Thanks, Vlad. I’ll call you for yours.”

“Great, talk to you then.”

Putin, after hanging up, “What do you know, he even remembered that the Orthodox Christmas is later! But still a moron, to ask me about my kids, like I’d tell him anything.”

Trump, looking at the phone, dreamily, “He was so cheerful today! Why can’t he always be like that? I miss him so much!”