Moscow's Calling - 3

This conversation took place on Dec.7, 2021, after Presidents Biden and Putin had a virtual meeting about the Russian military forces’ buildup in Ukraine.

“Hello, Donnie?”

“Vlad!!!” (overly excited) “I’m so happy you called! You never do it anymore, since I moved out from the White House.”

“Not accurate. I called a couple of times. You know I’m busy.”

“I know, I know, that’s why I’m so happy. What’s up?”

“Well…” (hesitant) “I need your insight.”

“Oh, oh, insight. I’ll be happy to help if I can.”

“Do you think Biden is serious about putting new sanctions on Russia?”

“New sanctions? Where does that come from?”

“Well, I just talked with him today. He clearly threatened me with new sanctions. And now I wonder if he is really serious and will follow through with an action.”

“Oh wow, and why is he threatening sanctions?”

“Apparently, because I’m building up my military presence along the Ukrainian border.”

“Are you, Vlad?”

“Am I what?”

“Building up your military presence along the Ukrainian border?”

“That is irrelevant, Donnie. As a sovereign nation, Russia can do whatever she wants within its borders. But if you must know, we are just doing some exercises there for our troops. You know, for the boys to stretch their muscles and to keep in shape.”

“Uh-ha, uh-ha. And why do you have to do that along the border?”

“Oh, I just like driving Ze crazy.”

“Ze who?”

“Zelensky, the clown president of Ukraine.”

“Ah, that guy! Never remembered his name, even though I got nearly impeached because of him.”

“Nearly?”

“Well, the Dems tried hard but I still served out my term.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. I forgot.”

“How could you forget, Vlad? That impeachment was so nasty, made me really sick.”

“I mean I forgot that you were being impeached, you took it in strides, Donnie, like a real president, and it didn’t really affect you.”

“Oh, Ok then. For a second there, I thought you forgot about my phony impeachment.”

“I would never, Donnie. I remember how hard it was on you.”

“Yes, Vlad, it was. I’m glad you stood by me then.”

“That’s what friends do, Donnie.”

“I’m grateful, Vlad. And I will never forget that. If I can do anything for you…”

“That’s what I’m calling about, Donnie. Can you help me with an insight?”

“An insight?”

Putin, to the side, “Here we go again. Is he demented or stupid?”

To Trump, “Yes, about if Biden going to follow up with new sanctions.”

“Ah, new sanctions, yes. I really don’t know, Vlad, I don’t know him that well.”

“You know him better than I do, Donnie.”

“That’s true, probably,” (chuckles).

“So do you think if I invade Ukraine he will impose sanctions on Russia?”

“Invade Ukraine? Why would you do that, Vlad? Didn’t that get you in trouble already in 2014?”

“I want to rebuild Greater Russia, Donnie. It will be impossible without Ukraine.”

“Greater Russia? What is that?”

“Imperial Russia in its highest glory, like Alexander II times. It included Ukraine and Crimea.”

“You don’t say! I didn’t even know that.”

“Well, there you go, Donnie, a little bit of history for you. Ukraine has strayed for long enough, 30 years of independence. Time to come home to Mother Russia.”

“Well, I think if you invade Ukraine, they will say you violated international law and introduce the new sanctions.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of, Donnie. Do you think they can really do that?”

“Well, Biden seems to have gotten EU and NATO in his good graces. I’m afraid he can do that. Now that all his allies seem to be on board with his plans, he might be able to do that.”

“Yes, that’s what bothers me. They train Ukrainian military forces, equip them, and conduct NATO military exercises in Eastern Europe. Right in my backyard!”

“I’ve heard, Vlad, I’ve heard. It would have never happened if I still was the president.”

“Exactly! And now I have to wonder if they do that to drive me crazy or they really think I’m going to invade Ukraine.”

“But were you going to invade Ukraine, Vlad?”

“Not at the beginning. At first, I thought I’d just flex some muscle and get the Europeans relax at least some of the sanctions if I threaten to stop the oil and gas supply from Russia.”

“A-ha, good strategy, Vlad. What’s changed?”

“Well, now that Biden got them all rounded up with this red line and riled up against me, they are all like united front. Even Macron seems to be in agreement with Biden, and I always got along with him well.”

“Yeah, I liked the Shrimp too. I liked him very much.”

“I don’t really know what to do, Donnie. I feel like I have no good options here. If I invade, they will suffocate me with new sanctions I can’t afford. If I don’t invade and retreat instead, my people in Russia will think I’m a weakling and will lose trust in me. I have to be strong for them, Donnie.”

“I understand, Vlad. But I’m sure you will find a way out. You are so smart!”

“Yeah, yeah, Donnie. If only I knew for sure if Biden is bluffing.”

“Well, Vlad, I’m not sure I can help you with that.”

“So you are completely useless for me now, Donnie. No president, no insight, never lifted the sanctions when you were president, never succeeded with disabling NATO…”

“Wait, Vlad, wait, you know I tried as hard as I could.”

“Well, you’ve failed, Donnie, and now I’m in a pickle” (sounds menacing).

“I’m so glad I’m not next to you right now, Vlad,” (chuckles). “But seriously, why don’t you try to put a new red line for Biden?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you taught me that yourself: Flip Biden’s script on him. If he talks about the red line, you tell him where your own red line is. If nothing else, it will buy you some time.”

“Well, Donnie, that is actually not such a bad idea. Sometimes you can come through.”

“Glad to help you, Vlad.”

“A-ha, I’ll have to go now, to brainstorm with my people where to put this new red line. I’ll talk to you later, Donnie.” After hanging up, “That was a perfectly wasted time.”

Trump, looking at the phone, “Oooof, that was tough. Hope he calls me with something lighter next time.”