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The War On Chickens

by Kerry Williams 10 months ago in satire
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A subject most foul.

WAR... War never changes...

Truer words were never spoken, however... before you gloss over a seemingly innocent picture of a chicken in a coop, consider this; What did the chicken do to get life in prison? It had to be something serious. Something sinister. Something heinous. Murder. That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. Serious stuff. We're in the middle of a war here people and most don't even realize what's going on! Idiots! Sheeple! Everyone just going about their daily business as if nothing's wrong... But that's how they get ya!

The War On Chickens

Let's start with the obvious. The War On Chickens has been going on since the beginning of time. I'm not talking about Howard the duck. I'm talking about chickens! Well... Howard might get grouped in here, but that's the way it goes sometimes. Big Bird... we've got yer number. You think getting vaccinated against the "rona" is going to make us think you're innocent! I think not. It's just another attempt at subterfuge. Trickery and deception is the way of the chickens and their evil plot is most foul. That brings me to an important point!

There are so many "euphemisms" that our grandfathers and great grandfathers created, in order to warn us against the devious machinations of the dastardly chickens, and we've all but ignored them! "Jive Turkey" went from being a serious warning about chickens who were trying to infiltrate important parts of American infrastructure, and what did we do? We laughed and attributed it to just another term in the big book of slang. "Chicken" in itself is meant to inspire distrust, a sense of unreliability, dishonor, cowardly behavior. What does it mean today? Dinner. Well... at least we're keeping our short term goals with our long term goals.

Ancient Times

Our goal, ever since the first velociraptors hunted us down and ate us for lunch like KFC, has been the unequivocal and complete extermination of ALL foul creatures, but chickens in particular. Some might ask, "what have chickens done to humans?" Well, FIRST OFF, I'd point out, whoever asking, should be locked up and have the key thrown away! FOUL SYMPATHIZERS! Secondly, do I have to point out all the atrocities committed by chickens, some of which continue to this very day? Fine. I'll try and make it brief.

Deadly Chicken Diseases and Illness

Chicken Pox. A deadly virus designed by chickens to make humans scratch just like chickens do. The infected subject can actually go blind if they do not receive medical advice and treatment. In short, Chicken Pox is deadly and anyone not treating this debilitating nerve agent like the foul device is is, should be incarcerated for ignorance!

Avian Influenza. Another deadly illness spread by Chickens who are only too happy to scratch and peck at their own excrement! Think Avian Influenza is nothing to worry about? You'd be surprised to find out it was the precursor to the "Rona" which we are all suffering from right now! Mighty surprised indeed!

Salmon-Vanilla! Not only is this a disgusting food pairing, but the illness is life threatening and highly contagious! Those FOUL creatures, in order to try and combat our mission and prevent their own extinction, have taken their biological warfare to a new and dangerous level. By tainting their flesh and eggs, Chickens seek to infect our ranks and decimate our numbers, but, we've found a way to combat this devious plot! COOKING THEM! No more Chicken tare-tare! Now we cook and eat Chickens as safely as anything else, which, brings me to point number ninety-six!

A Loosing Battle?

The war on chickens is becoming harder and harder to fight. Simply put, we're outnumbered people. With more than 19 billion on the planet at any given time, chickens outnumber humans by almost 3-to-1. (Thank you Google.) Gently put, we're in trouble, unless we step up our chicken frying skills, we're done for. Alas, there is hope.

The RCF and its Allies

Recent efforts by Chicken Resistance Fighters or RCF, has resulted in an accelerated campaign of chicken consumption. Our chicken extermination camps, headed by none other than Colonel Sanders and General Tyson have taken the chicken numbers down dramatically. A biochemist named Purdue has also joined the fight, creating a "tasty" task force, bent on making chicken even more delicious than it is already.

Foul Cousins

While these efforts are appreciated, we need every American to do their part. Since the first pilgrims touched foot on sacred American land, they were presented with the problem, and the solution. Native American's were quick to point out that the land of honey and milk, was actually being over run by foul feathered creatures. Their numbers were being decimated by the evil chickens and their foul cousins, the turkeys. The native's solution was obvious of course. Even though they couldn't understand the white men, they showed them the plucked and roasted carcasses of many birds, including chickens, turkeys, guinneas, peacocks and more.

The CAL and their Propaganda Machine

Not fully understanding the devious nature of these horrible chickens, the pilgrims ate and went to sleep soon after. Then, in still utter darkness of night, the the chickens attacked. Like feathered ninjas, the chickens went from domocile to domocile, smothering the natives and pilgrims with the fine downy feathers. Indeed, this atrocity has been well published, although the details have been skewed by CAL, otherwise known as the Chicken Anti-defamation League, which is simply a front for chicken propaganda.

A World War

The War On Chickens exists not only in America, but on every continent of the world, in over fifty nations and twenty six counties and two small villages that have no running water or electricity, but I digress! A war is a war! And many wars have had their historical significance skewed by the CAL to make us believe we were fighting OURSELVES, when in reality... it was the chickens all along.

The Russian Civil War? Chickens. The Dungan Revolt. Chickens. World War 1 and 2... both chickens. As far back as the Qing Dynasty Conquest of the Ming Dynasty, even these wars were devised by chickens. The American Civil war was not simply about slavery. It was all about chickens. Even names of battles have been skewed by the horrible chickens. The Battle of Little Big Horn was originally known as The Battle of Little Chicken Corn, which of course was when Chickens flocked across the area, eating all of the farmers corn and threatening the livelihood of those who lived there. Indeed, the chickens voracious appetite has no limits.

Black Cold Lifeless Evil Eyes

Know a chicken by it's cold, lifeless eyes. Origin of the phrase "The Evil Eye". Any foul creature with eyes so dark and black, must be evil. Oh sure they try to blend in with their camouflage plumage, but they can't hide forever. We humans have gone to great lengths to make sure everyone knows how evil chickens are, but the meaning of chicken terminology has gone away, much to the delight of the heinous chickens. Make sure you read this next part carefully, and remember theses words.

Know a Chicken by Name

Common names to identify chickens and their conspiratorial comrades; Chicken, Chick, Cock, Rooster, Turkey, Jive Turkey, Bird, Kung Pao, Red Head, Margaret Hatcher, Curry, Sally, Bennifer, Sadie, Cold Turkey, Foul, Nugget, Peeps, Tandori, Orange, Mother Clucker, Stinky Winky, Coward the hog (I don't know why), Yolk-a-hontas (one of the chickens responsible for the Thanksgiving Day Massacre, where sixty-two chickens took the life of over 300 native Americans and pilgrims, by smothering), Eggs Benedict Arnold (A double counter spy turned spy, turned double spy, who helped infiltrate American forces before defecting to the chickens!), Cashew and Clive, Marsala and Kabob, both, twin suicide chickens responsible for the collapse of the twin towers. (Chickens would have you think it was fellow humans who carried out these devious acts, but nobody fly's that bad, except chickens. Indeed they crash into everything, which is how we know the truth).

The Truth About Chickens

Other words and phrases to know and understand are direct chicken terms! "Winner-Winner, Big Chicken Dinner!" Is in fact a play on words, used to describe a military serviceman or woman who has been dishonorably discharged. Otherwise known as a BCD or Bad Conduct Discharge, this is synonymous with the Big Chicken Dinner, and in no way affects the flavor or satisfaction of eating such a meal.

The Chickenator and Jack the Scratcher.

Albert Eggstein (Responsible for the nuclear bomb which killed hundreds of thousands of humans), Amelia Egghart - famous bomber who pelted American forces with eggs before her crazy flying crashed her into the ocean. Attila the Hen - A chicken of great renown who conquered most of the planet before Humans were able to fight her forces back. Chick Jagger, a seedy vocalist who clucked his way to the top before someone pointed out, you shouldn't scratch _____ ___ ____ . Cluck Kent, a Chicken propagandist who sought to take over America's love of super hero culture. Unfortunately, Cluck Kent's demise carried over to the real Clark Kent, who has found little work as a super hero. He has recently gone back to his roots as a photographer, working for Southern Living.

A Warning to all...

This Thanksgiving, we must all realize and take notice. The War on Chickens is never over. Every drumstick is another small step for mankind. Every chicken wing, a savory reminder of the great lengths to which we must go, in order to survive. Every turkey we kill and stuff with Pepperidge Farms stuffing (don't use stove top. That's for quick and easy Friday night meals) is another milestone in our fight against the evil chickens occupation of our great nation. With our new allies in the war on chickens, specifically, Popeyes, Chick-fil-a, Kentucky Fried Chicken (owned by Colonel Sanders the most decorated veteran of the hundred chickens battle and the Battle of the bulge), we might just stand a chance.

Written in solemn remembrance of the Thanksgiving Day Massacre, 1621.

WAR... War never changes...

satire

About the author

Kerry Williams

As a child I often said I wanted to be an astronaut. Big dreams for a small boy. My mother taught me to dream, my father, to fear. As an artist I've found a great afinity with being able to lie, a.k.a. create fiction. Here, I lie to you. :)

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