I want to state that horniness is a sickness, and the only cure for it is death.
First, I want to state that horniness is a sickness, and the only cure for it is death. Until we die, horniness plagues most of us in our waking and sleeping life. There is no escape. That being said, I had to try this drink. I first came across it during the summer, when the packaging was much more vulgar (looked like a sex toy). I appreciated the boldness of their gesture; insinuating that this drink was like a rocket ride to Horny Town packed neatly in a 35 calorie beverage. I don’t understand why anyone would want to get horny from a drink. I would prefer something more subtle, like a salad dressing or a drink sweetener. Something that could provide me with just a Touch of Horny. A drink seems like something to overwhelm the senses. If it worked, how long would it take to wear off?
OK, let me clarify. The drink doesn’t exactly say the word “horny” on it. But it’s called GASM, and claims it will give “playful energy” which literally might as well just say “HORNY”. It seems odd that they didn’t just get straight to the point. The rest of the drinks from the Neuro brand are just as obvious and bold, like “SLEEP” and “BLISS”. It seems like a missed opportunity to target the thirstiest horny customers, but I guess that’s their business and not mine.
The drink tastes good. It’s a passion fruit flavor (more bold hinting at horniness without just SAYING the WORD), and it does have a little bit of an artificial sweetener taste, but it’s not too strong. I WILL say that I totally forgot this drink was lightly carbonated, and when I took the first sip I got nervous and confused and dribbled a little down my chin and onto my shirt. I haven’t had sex in over a year, and in this moment, wiping horny juice from my mouth with the back of my sleeve, I felt it. At the time, I was housesitting for my brother, taking care of his cat and dog and my cat who I brought along for the ride. Each night, I felt like a tired single mother, just wanting to unwind from the bustle of the rest of the day. I don’t have a love interest at the moment, so I had no one to direct the horny energy to if it did happen to work. I would be forced to reckon with my emotions on my own somehow. I’ve been binge watching Girls, so I put that on --now is not the time to give me commentary on the show. I am never asking for opinions on what I’ve chosen to watch. I normally keep this kind of information close to my chest, but I feel it’s relevant to the narrative aspect of this review. There are so many jarring aspects of that show, but my main issue is that everybody always has their shoes on the furniture. They have their shoes on the bed, the couch, WHEREVER, with reckless abandon. It’s fucking deranged. There is no horniess that could overtake me and completely dampen my logic or reason or respect for household objects.
I drank two bottles that night. I drank the first one, and felt a little energy, but it wasn’t particularly playful or fun or, you know, sensual. It was regular. Because there’s caffeine in it. I figured I might as well drink another, just because, to see if it jacked up the potential. It didn’t. It just made me feel more caffeinated, which...of course it did. What else would it do? Though I wasn’t ready to deal with the repercussions of horniness, I was extremely disappointed that this drink didn’t rev me up. I was ready for an EXPERIENCE!! Instead, I ended up texting one of my friends, and we talked on the phone about capitalism.
Though the flavor of the drink is OK, the effect wasn’t even close to doing what it indicated, so the GASM drink gets 2/10. This was undoubtedly the worst sexual experience I’ve ever had.