Mac and Cheese

Listen up, everyone. This is a matter very near and dear to my heart. Macaroni and Cheese, commonly referred to as Mac and Cheese, is something I am passionate about.

Today, I am going to share that passion with you.

I just want preface this by saying that mac and cheese is not healthy. It isn't supposed to be healthy. Should you choose to eat it all day every day, that's on you. I understand your choice. But for real, you might die.

Proceed with caution.

Some Ground Rules

I don't have a lot of rules for mac and cheese, as I prefer to live in a state of anarchy when it comes to the kitchen.

However, the rules I do have should never be broken. If they are, I will find you, and I will confiscate your macaroni.

1. Do not add fruit or vegetables.

I swear to the old gods and the new that if I find out you have placed fruit or vegetables in your mac and cheese, I will have a nervous breakdown. It will be your fault. See the video about blueberries in mac and cheese for further details. This is non negotiable. The only thing that is remotely acceptable is if the vegetables are made into the pasta, but even that is a stretch.

2. Use at least 3 kinds of cheese.

Real talk, if you show me anything with less than three kinds of cheese in it, I will THROW IT ON THE GROUND!!! Get that weak shitaki out of here.

3. It better be MOIST.

That word may make you uncomfortable. I am not sorry. But, seriously, the sauce better be creamy and delicious. IF IT IS NOT CREAMY THEN WHAT IS THE POINT?!

4. For the love of all that is holy, add spices.

I don't care what spices you use, but you better add something other than salt and pepper. I like to add a little garlic and chili powder. If I'm baking the macaroni, I'll add some herbs. I'm white, so my spice rack is limited.

For those who break these rules, IS NOTHING SACRED TO YOU?!?!

Varieties of Mac and Cheese

As any mac and cheese connoisseur will tell you, there are many kinds of mac and cheese.

You can bake it, make it on the stovetop, put it in a slow cooker, rOLL IT INTO BALLS, COVER IT IN CRUMBS, AND THROW IT INTO HOT OIL... The possibilities are endless. YOU COULD MAKE MOZZARELLA STICKS COATED IN MAC AND CHEESE! You know, I bet I could make some kind of mac and cheese sauce if I put my mind to it...

Moving on. My favorite variation is baked mac and cheese. I'll get into the best ways to make said variations in a little while.

Suitable Additions

Not all additions to mac and cheese are acceptable. THE ONLY FRUIT YOU CAN ADD TO MAC AND CHEESE IS A TOMATO, BUT THAT IS BARELY OK.

Ahem. Anyway. I will give you a list of things you can add to mac and cheese. Below that, I will show you my favorite combinations.

• Beef
• Bacon
• Lobster
• Ham
• Random Doritos
• Turkey (A stretch, really, but acceptable)
• Tomatoes
• Hot dogs
• Other varieties of sausage
• Chicken
• Bread crumbs
• Croutons crushed into nothingness to form breadcrumbs
• Tortillas (You'd be shocked how good a ripped up soft flour tortilla tastes in mac and cheese. It's weird.)

Now, my favorite combinations of additions are the following:

• HAM! ALL THE HAM! After Thanksgiving or Christmas, I love cutting up bits of ham and putting it into my mac and cheese.
• Bread crumbs mixed with parmesan cheese make even stovetop mac and cheese taste like it was baked. I like to put crushed up Doritos into it when I use bread crumbs.
• A bit of beef and cut up tomatoes make your mac and cheese into a one pot meal. Almost feels like a cheeseburger!

Those are my three favorite combinations of additions.

Cheeeeeeeese

It's what we're all here for. I'm lactose intolerant, so eating a lot of cheese makes my stomach hurt. I do not care. Cheese is life.

I'll get straight to the point. There's a lot of cheeses out there. I do not think all cheeses are suitable for mac and cheese. While I like goat cheese on toast with a bit of honey, it would be weird in mac and cheese.

... But would it be a good weird? Experimentation is in my future.

My favorite types of cheese to go in mac and cheese are as follows:

• Provolone - We all know provolone is life.
• Mozzarella - Classic
• Cheddar - Yet another classic. I like to use white cheddar or extra sharp, but that's just a personal preference.
• Gruyere - Who can resist a little gruyere?
• Parmesan - It adds a bit of texture if you do it right. I like to use it as a crust in baked mac and cheese.
• Ricotta and Cottage - This blend of cheeses makes for a deliciously creamy mac and cheese. It takes a bit of effort to melt properly, though. It is a bit sweeter than most cheeses you'd add to mac and cheese, though.
• Gouda - Guys, guys, guys, listen. Gouda is excellent in mac and cheese. It is some good shiznit.
• Fontina - That's another cheese that makes it creamy. Deliciously so.
• Muenster - I always end up adding muenster to my mac and cheese. It's delicious. DELICIOUS!

Those are your cheese options. I won't judge you if you add different ones, but... okay, I'll judge you.

Make your own combinations! Good stuff!

Baked Mac and Cheese

Now, I'm a bit famous for my baked mac and cheese. I HAVE THE CROWN AND NOBODY CAN TAKE IT FROM ME!

Now that I've established that, time to move on to my top secret, very basic recipe. Just kidding. I'm not telling you guys everything. I'm also being deliberately vague.

First things first, you gotta make the noodles. Obviously. Boil them 'til they're a little undercooked. They're gonna soften up a bit when you bake them.

Then you gotta make some cheese sauce. I use extra sharp cheddar and muenster. If I have a bit of extra cash, I'll add a bit of cottage and ricotta.

You can use whatever cheeses you want for the sauce, but make sure that you make enough to REALLY saturate the noodles. They need to be hella moist. Really... what's the word... saucy? Yeah, we'll go with saucy. That keeps your mac and cheese from being dry as a desert after you bake it.

Of course, if you're short on time or cash, you can pick up a couple of cans of cheese sauce or use that melty cheese. Just make sure you get a good bit. It'll still taste good. Cheese is always good. Even processed cheese.

Now there are a couple of different ways to do this next part. You can shred the extra cheeses you want to bake into your mac and cheese, or you can slice them before layering them. I like to do the latter, or a combination of the two.

Now I like to layer fresh mozzarella, muenster, and provolone into my baked mac and cheese. Before that, I like to mix shredded gouda up in that bish. Delicious.

Naturally, you can use whatever kinds of cheese you want.

After you layer your noodles and cheese in a baking tray, you have an option to make a crust. The easiest way to do that is to simply pour some breadcrumbs on top. I don't always do this. Sometimes I'll use parmesan cheese with a few bread crumbs instead of just bread crumbs.

All you have to do from there is bake until it's done. (I usually do it for, like, an hour.)

Those are some tips for making some dag-nabbing good baked mac and cheese.

Stovetop

Now when I say stovetop, you probably think I mean boxed mac and cheese.

Well.

I DO NOT MEAN THAT

GET THAT WEAK SHIZNIT UP OUTTA MY GRILL.

Of course, boxed mac and cheese is good. But it isn't this article good.

Essentially all you have to do is make the noodles and then a cheese sauce with whatever cheeses you want. Then add some additions... if you want. Easy.

You can make boxed mac and cheese good too by just adding some extra cheese and additions. Good stuff.

Mac and Cheese Bites

Lemme set the scene. You're throwing a party. You need appetizers. They need to be finger foods. This isn't some classy party. You want to offer something other than the typical mozzarella sticks and mini paninis. So why not deep fry some mac and cheese?

That's right. You heard me.

DEEP FRY SOME MAC AND CHEESE.

Essentially you make cheese sauce with whatever cheeses you want, but like with baked mac and cheese, make some extra. You're gonna want it moderately extra saucy. Make the noodles the same way you would make stovetop.

From there, you mix the sauce and noodles together. Obviously. You lay some parchment paper on a cookie sheet and spread that delicious cheesy goodness over the sheet. Pop that bish in the freezer.

Freeze until frozen.

Take it out and cut it into strips, triangles, whatever weird shape you want. It doesn't matter.

Cover those strips, triangles, whatevs in flour, then dip them in an egg wash before finally covering them in bread crumbs. Pop them in a deep fryer and BOOM!

You've got some mac and cheese bites.

Conclusion

MAC AND CHEESE IS LOVE! MAC AND CHEESE IS LIFE!

Repeat.