How Beige and Bland is British Cuisine?

Browsing through Quora one day, I came across the following: 

''My Norwegian girlfriend identified British cooking as: ''You take something beige, cook it in the microwave for 3–4 minutes and you have your dinner ready''. 

This rang true, so I read on. Followed a series of jokes in a similar streak, disparaging British eating habits. My contribution was: 

''Don't forget the cups of tea, left on the floor till they go mouldy and are then thrown in the bin''. 

British cuisine is notoriously disparaged. 

When my international students (especially those from China) are asked if they like the food in the UK, every. single. time. their answer is…

…''no, because it's boring''.

This answer is so predictable, that sometimes I finish their phrase in my mind. I think they have been misled.

Boring? 

What are they talking about? 

I can disprove this claim. Just you wait! 

Who can call 'boring' the following: 

- jellied eels - the picture speaks for itself:

- black pudding (part of a full English breakfast - what??) - made of the blood and intestines of slaughtered pigs

- mince pies - quite nice, but no mince is found in them; they are usually seen as Christmas treats - their filling of spices, dried fruit and rum creates a festive ambiance in your mouth

- pork pies - sometimes described as 'weird mixture of salt and terrible meat, all wrapped up in a terrible slimy jelly'; you'd be surprised how delicious they are

- mushy peas- this is actually ordinary cooked peas, pureed as baby food, though not only intended for babies (hang on! Brazilians have these, too!)

- stargazy pie - poetic name! (Now, this dish not that popular - you cannot easily find it these days, if you were curious enough to taste it).

- chip butty - typical for the Black Country (you can Google the Black Country now), this is simply chips (not fries! - 'fries' are the thin McDonald's-type chips) in between two pieces of buttered toast, or just plain white bread

- haggis - now, this is Scottish, not English (do not ever call a Scot an Englishperson). We could safely say it is 'British' . Apparently 'a pudding', since pretty much everything was called ''a pudding'' in the past. Contains a sheep's heart, liver and lungs and a lot of seasoning - all this packed into the sheep's stomach and served for our consumption. (Bulgarian cuisine also boasts with similar delicacies).

- marmite (on toast) - a ''love-it-or-hate-it'' type of treat, which Brits euphemise as ''an acquired taste'' - a yeasty type of …something??, to be spread on toast, rumoured to be excellent for your immune system and health in general. Aussies pride themselves for their 'vegemite'. I am told that the worst offenders dip their Marmite-stained knives into the butter, smearing it with the disgusting dark stuff , to test the patience of those around! As you can see below, it's an inoffensive-looking jar - black, so that you can't see what's inside.

Now, do you still maintain that Brit food is boring?

By 'boring' you probably mean….'different'?

Brits eat sandwiches and other cold foods for lunch, when most of the world lunches on fresh hot pots.

British kids would always opt for a burger, pizza and chips (not fries!), while turning their nose at anything healthily cooked in a pot. Theirs is indisputably an unhealthy diet, though - wait- their choices are American and Italian, not British!

Brits would boil spaghetti and pour a Bolognese sauce over them most evenings, but it is only because they work too much- their jobs rarely leave them time and energy for relaxation or family time. Meanwhile, spaghetti and Bolognese sauce are so Italian.

---

Brits would stick frozen pizza and chips in the oven on the remaining evenings - again for the reason above. 

Brits would unpack frozen ready meals (some bought for 99p), reveal something beige, stick it in the microwave for 3–4 minutes and then eat it - what does the taste matter, since it fills you up! Again, this is done by people desperate for time (which is most of the time), to gobble the beige item in front of the computer while responding to urgent emails from the boss. Alternatively, you do this if you are an alpha male, who wouldn't stoop down to cooking - not only because you uphold toxic masculinity, but also because there is a much more exciting computer game challenge waiting for you. 

---

Now - let's get this even.

If you accuse us of eating 'boring', we can accuse you back of eating 'weird' stuff, like….tripe. 

You yourselves admit that the Chinese eat tripe. (Bulgarians do, too). 

So….ta-da! 

Brits also eat tripe. 

- tripe - 'the edible lining of stomachs from random animals' - to be considered fit for consumption by more than one world cultures.

Now, using the principle of equation, if the Chinese eat tripe and the Brits also eat tripe, the food of the Brits is not more 'boring' than the food of the Chinese. 

Still…

The above 'interesting' foods are today mostly consumed by the older generation British - those who in war times could not hope for anything better. 

The younger generation - kids - stick to the ubiquitous rule of burgers, pizza and chips (not fries!). 

The teens and tweenies occasionally try the odd stirfry, just because it is trendy and they can boast to their mates that they've helped cook it.

---

Those in their 20s-30s (young professionals age) resort to the spaghetti / frozen pizza / beige microwavables - for reasons already explained. 

Those starting young families, though, suddenly find themselves swung into competition to prepare the healthiest meals for their alpha generation (the Greek alphabet already run out of letters), in which a modest inorganic pear is considered no less dangerous than a Chernobyl mushroom, while air-fried sweet potatoes and plantain fingers, Camembert cheese, steamed sea-bass, gluten-free sesame breadsticks, yeast-free 7-seed homemade loaves of bread, guacamole canapes and dark-chocolate-and-raspberry sugar-free/flour-free tart would appear the only means of survival in these increasingly polluted times….

None of these are British foods, though. What the heck is British food, then?

---

Simple tried British recipes are neither unhealthy not boring.

Feast your eyes on: 

- the meat pie

- the Cornish pasty

- the Shepherd's pie

- the roast dinner

- the apple pie (which America has 'borrowed' from us)

- ….and our pride - the Victoria sponge sandwich, given by us to the world

These are time-tested oldies of generation-surpassing tastes. Since they are all time-consuming, the average modern person can afford to cook them, say, twice a week. They whisper of blazing harvest times, when the men of the family left for the fields in the morning, leaving the wives to spend most of the day cooking for the ravenous returners in the evening. To fill stomachs, emptied over many hours, substantial stuff would be required - potatoes, meat, peas, gravy, or whatever else could be found in the larder, shoved between two layers of flour-and-butter-based pastry (or potatoes), sealed together and flamed piping-hot in the oven. 

These dishes are also highly calorific - designed to uphold muscles and sinews working daily, not office-chair-based coach flabs. 

I am by now pretty sure I have convinced you that, by itself, British food is not 'boring'. 

Go and try for yourself - 

Welcome to Britain!