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10 Things To Do With Bread

by Angela Rose 7 months ago in satire

You won’t find any of these helpful tips on your everyday recipe website.

10 Things To Do With Bread
Photo by Hector Farahani on Unsplash

Are you tired of buying bread at full price just so it can take up cabinet space and spoil a few days later? Are you not craving a grilled cheese or turkey sandwich every other meal? If you answered with an exhausted “yes...” then this may very well be the breaking news you’ve been waiting for. Here are the top 10 things to do with bread so you can feel better about not eating an entire loaf in one sitting.

1. Air Purifications

Does your house have a type of funk that no amount of cleaning products can help cease? Are your guests constantly seeming to only want to leave or sit near an open window? Don't you worry any longer; your guests will soon be enjoying your new comfort abode aroma that is sure to be the talk of the occasion.

Take two slices of bread and smear nothing but peanut butter and jelly on one side of them (you can also use mayonnaise or butter if preferred). Slap those slices on to the interior vents of your air conditioning unit for a smell that's certain to stimulate the sense of smell and even entice hunger. Better yet, it will cover up whatever it is that died and is causing your nose hairs to burn off.

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2. Sham-Yeast!

Do your kids keep knocking over everything that could possibly ever spill in the history of things that could potentially spill? Are you prone to making messes that usually end up in throwing away a few towels or going through an entire pack of paper towels? Then this helpful trick is sure to help not only your bank account, but it will save you the hassle of soggy materials leaking from your trash.

All you have to do is throw down a sufficient amount of bread slices onto the liquid mess and wait for those babies to soak it all up. Due to bread’s natural absorbency capabilities, you don’t even have to worry about them dripping out of your garbage cans. The mess will be cleaned up and you’ll still have towels in your bathroom cupboards. With all the cash you’ll be saving, you can afford bread for scenarios such as these for decades to come.

By Victoria Shes on Unsplash

3. Cold Feets

Are your feets constantly ice cold and no amount of fuzzy socks, slippers or blankets can ever warm them up? Do you find yourself walking around wondering why you don’t just live in an ice skating rink? Well, bread really comes in handy for warming things up, and you don’t have to waste electricity with a toaster for this handy tip!

Take one slice of bread for each feets and step on them. Smush them enough to the point where the toes have successfully implanted into the dough, and there you go. You’ve just comforted your cold feets enough for them to begin warming up and you even have a fashion statement on your hands. Or, feets…

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4. Crusty Chaos

Is there constantly something to clean but you’re running out of sponges and scrapers to help you get the job done? Does the brand of sponges you buy lack intense scrubbing material? Bread can be a real beauty for times like this, as it has a heavenly crisp edge full of nothing but crust that you can use to remove even the toughest build ups.

Just spray the area with your cleaning solutions and use the bread as you would a sponge. It’s really that easy. You can even flush some crust down the toilet if you never bothered to purchase a toilet brush. The opportunities here are endless and you may even want to start buying bread over sponges at this point.

By Wesual Click on Unsplash

5. Screen Panini

You know darn well you have a rag specific for wiping down electronic screens, right? But where in the world did the stupid thing go? It’s not like it has legs and just went out for a stroll. Bread is once again coming to save the day with this helpful hack.

Peel or cut off the crust from around the bread slice and then just use it as you would the rag, wiping off any smears that have been prohibiting you from watching Teletubbies on PBS. You’ll have to throw the slice away afterwards, as they’re not reusable, but at least you didn’t have to go through the trouble of finding a rag that magically disappeared.

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6. Traveling Disbelief

Are you sad that you see other cars with decorations in their windows, such as stickers, decorative blind spot triggers or small plushes? Does your car look like it just pulled out of a cave and you’re lucky that the thing even fires up? Don’t be jealous anymore because you’ve got bread on your side.

Throw your preferred amount of slices or loaves onto the ledge near your back window and let the sun, air and moisture take care of the rest. Soon enough, you’ll have one heck of a display back there that’s sure to catch a nearby driver’s eye and make them only wish they had thought of this crafty idea. Stop traffic today with this official meal on wheels art piece. Better yet, it may even come alive and surprise you as an unexpected, and maybe unwanted, new carpool buddy.

By Mae Mu on Unsplash

7. Support

Have you been sitting on your couch for so many years that it slumps and you’re beginning to worry it may engulf you? Does any amount of fluffing even remotely help give you the comfort you wish for? Loaves of bread can easily be used to help support those dips in your couch, and you don’t even have to take it out of the bag.

Just throw those loaves where needed and enjoy the comfort you felt when you first bought the couch. This hack may require multiple replacements, but that’s better than having to buy a new couch at an outrageously high price.

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8. Plug It Up

Oh snap, is it that time of year again where you’re never alone because you’ve got your allergies? Do you go through a million boxes of tissues because you need to find a more proactive way of handling your nasal drip? Grab some of that bread for a quick and environmentally- friendly way of dealing with your seasonal problems.

Tear off a piece of bread and plug it right in to your nostril for the relief you’ve been searching your medicine cabinet for. There’s no longer a need to spend hours shopping for the right kind of allergy medicine; the bread will take care of it all. It will absorb anything that your allergies wish to provoke, prevent anything from entering in the first place, and it will smell just as good as the leading tissue brand.

By mau mar on Unsplash

9. For the Birds

Is there a family of pigeons living near your driveway that think their bathroom is your windshield? Are you sick and tired of having to clean up mess that you didn’t even make this time? Use all of the bread you have for this pigeon proof hack that will make going to work a thousand times easier in the morning.

For this to work, you’re going to need to do it at a time when you know the pigeons won’t be lurking nearby so that they don’t catch on and interrupt your trap. Hose down your car and then attach slices of bread until your car looks like a several foot-long sub. This way, the pigeons will only be able to use the bathroom on the bread, not your windshield. When it’s time to go to work, peel off the bread and be on your merry way. The leftover bread will provide a solid meal for your neighboring birds and they’ll be so full and sleepy once you get home that you can just begin the process again while they’re passed out.

10. Too Bright

Do you have the most ugly light in your house that you can’t afford to replace so you’re stuck dealing with it blinding you 24/7? Do your eyeballs burn out of your head any time you come within close radius with this light? Bread will be sure to help save your eyesight and help you enjoy having that light in your home once and for all.

Go ahead and grab however many slices are needed to cover the bulb. Use a small amount of toothpaste to apply the slices to the bulb. Mold the dough into the shape of the bulb. Turn that light on and there it is, because you can finally see again. Enjoy this hack until the bread slides off after prolonged heat exposure, then reapply.

By Jude Infantini on Unsplash

Now that we’ve ran through 10 things to do with bread, you don’t have to sweat it the next time you feel like passing on a peanut butter and jelly; you’ll use that bread at a later date when the duty calls. With hope, this was just the right dose of internet you kneaded.

Disclaimer: please don’t do any of these things and if you’re still confused, click here for further instructions.

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For more content that makes like yeast and rises to the occasion, leave a tip if you can and follow me on Twitter @horrorwriterang!

satire

Angela Rose

writer • freelance journalist • independent film

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Angela Rose
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