Why Does My Autistic Loved One Ignore Me?

Imagine you're finally home after a tough day. You have a nice cup of tea in hand and have gone out to the porch to watch the sunset. There's a light breeze, the crickets are just beginning to chirp, and you can feel your tense muscles relax one by one as you sink into your favorite deck chair and enjoy the peace of nature.

Suddenly, an intruder jumps out from behind the bush to your right and starts screaming in your face. He's barking orders at you, telling you to do something right now, or he will beat you within an inch of your life!

As you stare at him in abject horror, your heart pounding, your teacup falling from your shaking hands, you try to understand what he's saying, but his words just sound like garbled nonsense. Understandably, it takes your brain time to register the intrusion and try to make sense out of his commands while also plotting your fight or escape in the background of your frazzled mind.

The problem is, the more you hesitate to respond to him, the more visibly angry he becomes, and your terror only grows, causing you to struggle even more to think clearly.

Scary situation, right?

This is what it's like for your autistic loved one when you yell at them to get their attention because you thought they were ignoring you.

That same mind-freezing terror and desperate attempt to figure out what's going on and respond accordingly is how our brains and bodies can feel when someone seems to “appear out of nowhere” and starts talking to us—or worse, starts yelling at us.

If you've often asked yourself, “Why does my autistic loved one ignore me?”, you're not alone. The thing is, it's very possible that ignoring you is not what your autistic loved one is doing. After all, the word 'ignore' implies purposeful intent, and that's usually not the case.

Here are some common reasons your autistic loved one doesn't respond to you right away (and responds with such fear when they finally do):

1) Deep thinking

Many autistic people have deep and rich inner worlds, and we can sink into them with total sensory immersion. When the autistic person in your life is thinking deeply about something, they are often totally absorbed in it, as absorbed as they would be if they were in a real version of the situation they are thinking about.

Even if you've been in the same house or even in the same room as your autistic loved one for hours, they may still not realize you're there, so when you raise your voice to be heard (because they didn't answer you right away), your voice can startle them just as much as that fictitious guy in the bush!

2) Not awake yet

As you're probably aware, the autistic brain has a harder time transitioning from one physical or mental state to another, and going from asleep to fully awake is no exception. Therefore, if you try to start a conversation before we are fully alert, our still-half-asleep brains won't even register your presence in the room let alone the words you said—until, of course, you yell and not only catch our attention, but scare us and trigger a meltdown.

3) Our names don't resonate

Another common reason you may believe the autistic person in your life is ignoring you is that we don't respond to our names. Unlike neurotypical people, who usually respond eagerly and positively to the sound of their names, autistic people often don't feel or hear any distinction between the sound of our names and other words in the background, so we may not respond.

Furthermore, if we tend to hear our names yelled at us frequently, many of us will come to associate the sound of our names with anger and trauma, and that can cause our brains to further dissociate from our given moniker, worsening the problem overall.

4) Auditory processing differences

If you feel ignored by your autistic loved one, you may have also speculated that they are hearing impaired when, in fact, the opposite may be true! Case in point, I had my hearing tested when I was a child because I was continually “ignoring” family members when they called my name.

When the person conducting the hearing test revealed that I actually had above-average hearing, the people who were angry with me because they thought I was rude only become angrier. (Back then, in the '80s, very little was known about auditory processing differences.)

My ability to hear has never been the issue. It's not my ears, it's my brain's ability to process the sound coming into my ears and turn it into something meaningful and recognizable that causes problems.

5) Sensory overload

Sensory overload is another factor in why the autistic person in your life may seem to be ignoring you. If they're dealing with sensory overload, their brains simply can't take in any more information. It's kind of like, "All circuits are busy now. Please try your call again later."

A Strong Startle Reflex Is Not Dramatic

If the autistic person in your life responds to the sound of your voice by jumping back, running away, covering their ears, or crying, they are not being dramatic, they are not trying to get attention or get away with rude behavior, they are genuinely as startled as you would be if you'd experienced that intruder scenario I used as an example at the beginning of this piece.

If you yell, scold, punish, or accuse when your autistic loved one is already in fight-or-flight from being startled by your voice or presence, you'll only make it that much harder for them to trust you and feel safe around you.

How to Get Your Autistic Loved One's Attention Without Scaring Them

After reading this, you may be wondering, “Well, how the heck am I supposed to get their attention then?” There are a few things you can try.

One I highly recommend is text messaging. Send a text to your autistic loved one before you walk into the room and start speaking. This can reduce startle reflex while also signaling to the autistic person that they need to prepare themselves for interruption.

Another way to get their attention while reducing the startle reflex is to try using your hands or a scarf to gently 'flag' that you're in the room. This way, you'll catch their eye before you speak and your voice appears to “come out of nowhere”.

Alternatively, you can try making a gentle noise, such as shuffling a piece of paper or carefully clearing your throat to get their attention before speaking.

You can also block out certain times of day to sit down for a chat. This obviously won't work if there's an emergency or what you have to say is time-sensitive, but for everyday conversation, it's a great way to put catching up into a manageable and familiar routine.

The Takeaway

The next time you feel yourself getting upset because you think your autistic loved one is ignoring you, reflect on this article, and provide the necessary accommodations.

Learn more about common misunderstandings between autistic and neurotypical people by visiting my website at www.thearticulateautistic.com.

You can also participate in discussions on my Instagram page!