Please Be Very Specific When Making a Request of An Autistic

"There's dog poop on the floor.”

My aunt once said this to me as I was carrying some groceries through the enclosed porch and into the kitchen. My response was, “Oh, OK,” and I stepped around it each time as I took two or three more trips to get the rest of my shopping. I thought it was strange that she kept repeating the same thing as I went in and out of the door; “There's poop on the floor.” I thought, 'Yes, I know. I'm avoiding stepping in it, don't worry.'

The statement my aunt was making wasn't just a statement of fact, it was a request, but my literal autistic brain didn't interpret it as she intended. She was indirectly asking me to pick the dog poop up off the floor so nobody else would step in it, but it wasn't until she actually said the words, (with some exasperation in her voice at that point), “Please pick up the poop off the floor” that I understood and knew what she wanted. Then I did it without a second thought.

As I'm someone to analyze why others are showing even the slightest bit of irritation toward me at any given time, I went over and over the situation in my mind until it finally dawned on me what she meant hours later.

However, I was in my early 30s at the time of this incident, and by then, I had already self-identified as autistic and done lots of research on literal thinking as well as indirect communication. Had this happened when I was in my teens or twenties, and definitely as a child, it never would have dawned on me at all, not hours, weeks, or even months later.

It was decades later when I was finally able to look back at my life and all the miscommunications I'd experienced through a neurodivergent lens—and let me tell you, that was a bit like getting randomly punched in the gut a few times a week as I recalled, again and again, another incident where I didn't understand something, and suddenly it clicked, and I was like, “Oh...” (and then repeatedly wanted to crawl in a hole from the cringe).

What Neurotypical People Think Is Happening

Autistic folks, here's a breakdown of what's happening from the neurotypical perspective when they use indirect communication and think they are really telling you something (using an example that doesn't involve poop. lol!):

Neurotypical: “This kitchen needs to be cleaned.”

Autistic: “Yeah.”

Neurotypical: “I think we're getting ants.”

Autistic: “Yeah, I see some over by the fridge.”

Neurotypical: “Speaking of the fridge, something in there smells.”

Autistic: “Yeah, I noticed that, too.”

Neurotypical: “Will you just clean the kitchen?! How many ways do I have to ask you??”

Autistic: *stares in wide-eyed shock at being suddenly yelled at during what they thought was an ordinary conversation*

In this scenario, the neurotypical person thinks they are clearly asking the autistic person to clean the kitchen by mentioning how it needs to be cleaned, ants are coming around, and something in the fridge has gone bad.

The autistic person, however, thinks the neurotypical person is making statements of fact, and they are just joining in the conversation.

The neurotypical thinks the autistic is purposefully dodging responsibility (and being sarcastic about it, to boot) but the autistic is completely unaware that they are being indirectly asked to do something.

We Can Feel Your Frustration (And That Triggers Anxiety)

Because autistic and non-autistic people communicate in such different ways, autistic folks are often on the receiving end of feelings of frustration, anger, and expectation that we don't know quite how to respond to.

Being aware that something is being asked of us but not knowing exactly what (and feeling the growing energy of irritation from others as we try to decipher the hidden context clues) can be intimidating and trigger anxiety; especially if the non-autistic people feeling those emotions have escalated to yelling (or worse) in the past because they believed the autistic person was messing with them.

Be Direct and Specific When Making Requests

If you want your autistic loved one to understand you and avoid miscommunications, be specific when making any request. Instead of saying, “The kitchen needs to be cleaned” say, “Will you clean the kitchen?” Go one step further and tell them what you need to be done specifically as 'cleaning the kitchen' can mean many different things depending on the person and/or household. “Will you wash the dishes, sweep the floor, mop the floor, take out the trash, and put in a new trash bag?”

For some autistic people, visual instructions work best. For autistic children, teens, and young adults, a visual chore chart can help for those who learn best by seeing a visual representation of what's expected of them, and the visuals can also double as at-a-glance reminders for those of us who also struggle with short-term and working memory.

The Takeaway

When making a request of an autistic person, be sure what you're saying can't be misconstrued as a statement, an observation, or a simple conversation. Say exactly what you mean, and mean exactly what you say. Being this direct might be intimidating for you at first because it's not how you're used to speaking to other neurotypical people, but learning and speaking our neurological language will save a great deal of frustration and misunderstandings in the long run!

Reduce Chronic Misunderstandings Between You and Your Autistic Loved One

My book, "What Did I Do Wrong" - An Accessible Guide to Preventing Traumatic Misunderstandings Between You and Your Autistic Loved One will be available for pre-order on September 8th, 2023, and it explains and translates the most common misunderstandings autistic and non-autistic people face when trying to communicate with one another.

Click here to learn more and sign up for the mailing list to be the first to know when this guide is available (and get updates along the way)!