Are Your Questions Triggering Your Autistic Loved One's Fight-or-Flight Response?

For many autistic people, being asked a question can trigger anxiety. Even if they're pretty basic questions such as, “What did you do this weekend?” or “What did you have for breakfast?”

Case in point, when I was a kid, and my dad would pick me up on weekends, he would ask me what I had for breakfast.

I. Would. Panic.

Why? I couldn't REMEMBER! I could have just eaten breakfast 10 minutes before his truck pulled up, but as soon as he asked the question, my mind would go blank.

I think this probably happened because he once asked me that same question casually, and I replied with an honest, "I don't know" with no hesitation or irony, and he got angry because he thought I was messing with him (just a guess).

Eventually, I learned to make something up when I didn't remember because it was better than having to deal with the anger of others and constantly hearing how "No child has that bad of a memory".

So, here is why I think questions can make the autistic person in your life nervous:

1) A question is an interruption. For autistic people, leaving one train of thought to board another takes quite a bit of mental effort, and, while we are switching gears, we may freeze, stammer, stutter, or not answer fast enough, triggering the suspicion that we're hiding something.

2) Many of us have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), so we startle easily. If we weren't expecting you to speak (or we didn't even know you were in the room) our nervous systems may first need to recover from the shock of your voice and sudden appearance before we can answer you.

3) Questions make us the center of attention. Suddenly, all eyes are on us waiting for a response, and we may clam up or panic because we don't like the feeling of being perceived.

4) Questions can be triggers for us. Autistic people process information differently than neurotypical people, and this can mean we take longer than our neurotypical counterparts to answer the same question. In the past, people might have become angry, impatient, or even abusive due to our lack of a quick and coherent response—so now any question from any person can put us into fight-or-flight mode.

5) Some of us have terrible memories, and we genuinely cannot remember what we did an hour ago. We may not want to make up an answer on the spot, but we will to avoid the suspicion and frustration of others.

6) Accuracy is extremely important to us, so when you ask a question, we want to make sure we are answering with all of the correct details, and those details can take time for us to compile in our mind.

7) We have to manually modify our speech patterns, facial expressions, and tone of voice so as not to come across as rude or defensive while simultaneously coming up with a correct and socially acceptable answer in the seconds of time given to us, and this can be exhausting.

Less Triggering Ways to Ask Your Autistic Loved One a Question

As you can see, for many autistic people, answering questions you regard as simple and straightforward can be a complex and triggering process for us. Now that you're aware, you can modify the way you ask questions to reduce the autistic person's anxiety and still make a connection.

1) Make sure we are not engrossed in a task, especially if it's one of our 'intense interest' tasks. Also, avoid asking questions when we're doing a task that requires body coordination (such as doing dishes or sweeping), as many autistic folks are also dyspraxic, and we need to manually coordinate each movement to avoid crashing into the corner of a cabinet or breaking a dish.

2) Be sure you have our attention before you ask your question. We don't have to be looking right at your face, but be sure we've expressed awareness of your presence and are ready to have a conversation.

3) Try prefacing your question with something like, "I need to ask you a question, is now a good time?” Remember, your autistic loved one may have to expend more mental labor to answer questions than you do, so a warning that you're going to ask a question coupled with a choice can help lessen anxiety.

4) Think for a minute before you ask the question. Do you really need or want to know the answer to the literal question you're asking, or are you just trying to make idle conversation? If it's the latter, find a more autistic-friendly way to engage.

5) Ask one question at a time! Rapid-fire questions can cause your autistic loved one's brain to shut down and their nervous system to flash warning signals.

6) Unless it's an emergency, allow them to take their time to think about and respond to your question.

7) Ask specific questions. "How are you?" might be too vague. Try, for example, "What did you think of that movie, [insert name of movie] you went to see a few nights ago with Jade?”

8) Write your questions down. Email or text them when you have more than one question. This gives them time to read and digest the information, so they can answer your questions properly and thoroughly.

Also, and this is very important, don't ever feel obligated or pressured to ask us questions just to say 'hello'. Just say "Hello" or, even better, send us a meme or article on a subject we are interested in. It will likely garner a much calmer and more connected response.

The Takeaway

For many autistic people, questions can translate as demands or even threats. They can interrupt us during focused tasks and make us scramble for the 'correct' or 'expected' answer in the 'right' tone of voice within seconds, and that can lead to panic and then make it appear as though we have something to hide.

Remember to be sure your loved one is not deeply focused on something else or doing a task that requires body coordination, ask if you can ask a question before asking the question, and limit your questions to one at a time to allow for those with slower processing speeds.

Want to learn more about how your autistic loved one thinks, feels, and processes the world? Visit my website, www.thearticulateautistic.com.