When Life Stress Follows You Home: How to Protect Your Relationship from Spillover

You may come home from a stressful day at work and give your partner the silent treatment. Or maybe you argue over dirty dishes. Financial stress can impact how you handle minor decisions at home. Whether you're sick or taking care of someone else, these situations can alter your roles at home.

If you find that external factors are causing you to take it out on your partner, it may be helpful to identify what is stressing you out. This doesn't mean you shouldn't address any hurtful behavior. But ask yourself what is stressing you out and how it's impacting your relationship. What can you do to make things easier on each other this week?

Does Work Stress Affect Your Relationship?

Work can take away from the time you have with your partner. Money, health, and taking care of others can also affect your relationship. The VA states that when you have a medical condition, it can cause your partner to adjust their work schedule to fit around appointments, which can cause the other partner to take on more tasks at home.

So instead of asking, "Why am I fighting with my partner?" ask, "What has changed in your life and how has it affected you and your partner?"

Maybe your partner thinks you aren't helping out around the house, but you have been busy taking care of your parent and trying to hold down a job. You both may be taking your frustrations out on each other because of what is going on.

You can ask your partner this to see if something is stressing them out:

"I've noticed that we both seem to be stressed this week. I don't want to put the blame on you. What do you think is taking up the most time in your life right now?"

Why Do I Take My Stress Out on My Partner?

There could be many reasons why you take your stress out on your partner. Maybe you find yourself being less patient with them or cutting off communication. Once you know that you tend to do this when you are stressed, you can take steps to prevent yourself from hurting your partner.

Ask yourself what was going on in my life when I acted out on my partner. Was it because I was stressed about a work deadline, finances, or maybe a loved one was sick? What could you say to your partner before you take it out on them?

"I know I'm being more irritable than usual. I have a big deadline at work tomorrow, and I don't want to take it out on you. I need some time to cool down and then we can talk."

If you do end up taking your stress out on your partner, apologize and tell them why you were being short with them.

"I was being short with you earlier because I've been stressed about [insert situation]. I'm sorry for taking it out on you."

Apologizing will not fix a habit if you continue to hurt your partner. Make sure you are changing your behavior and seek help if needed.

How Do I Not Let a Bad Day Ruin My Relationship?

Know when you are too stressed to have a healthy conversation. Take a break but don't use it as a way to run away from the problem. Let your partner know when you will be able to speak about the issue.

"I know we need to figure this out, but I'm too upset right now to hear what you have to say. Can we sit down in 30 minutes and talk about this at 7:30?"

Once you have cooled down, focus on the issue at hand. Tell your partner what happened, how it made you feel, and what you need from them moving forward.

"When you rescheduled my appointment and didn't let me know, it caused me to lose time that day. I would appreciate it if you could let me know when that happens in the future."

Then allow your partner to share what was going on with them.

"Was there anything going on for you? Did I miss anything?"

When having conversations with your partner about issues that are affecting your relationship, the VA suggests these tips for communicating with your partner:

• Listen to your partner without interrupting them.

• Ask questions if you don't understand something.

• Use "I" statements.

These tips can be used in any conversation you have with your partner.

What if One Partner Is Doing More Than the Other?

Sometimes when you are going through stressful times, one partner may be doing more than the other. It could be around the house or even financially. Make sure to communicate to your partner what you feel you are doing more of.

"I know that you have been working more hours. I have taken over making dinner and picking up the kids from school. I know I can do some of these things, but I feel like I'm doing too much. Can we figure out what we need to change this week?"

Be specific with what you need from your partner. "Do more around the house" could mean different things to each of you. "Can you pick up the kids on Tuesday and Thursday?" is something you can both work with.

If there is nothing you can change in your schedule or divide the tasks to relieve stress, look for help from others. Maybe a family member can help out, or your doctor can refer you to someone. It doesn't mean that your relationship isn't working. There are many resources out there to help you.

How Can I Help My Partner with Their Stress?

Just because your partner is going through something doesn't mean you have to help them with everything. You can show that you care and set boundaries.

You can ask your partner what would be helpful to them.

"Do you want me to just listen, or do you want me to help you come up with a plan?"

Or you can offer to help with one thing.

"I can help you with dinner tonight. I can't take on that extra appointment, but I can help you look at your schedule."

Check in with your partner throughout the day. Allow yourself time to do things alone and create routines that you both enjoy. Here is an example of a check-in you can have with your partner:

"How are you feeling today? Is there anything I can help you with?"

Make sure the check-in isn't too long that it becomes a burden on your partner.

When Should You Go to Couples Counseling?

If you and your partner are unable to resolve your issues, you may want to seek help from a professional. Couples counseling can help you learn how to communicate better with your partner.

According to the VA, there are many reasons why you should seek couples counseling. If you and your partner are having trouble communicating or can't come to a resolution on a major life change, speaking with a licensed couples therapist can help.

If you or your partner are being threatened, stalked, abused, or trying to control each other, please seek help and make sure you are safe.

If you are in danger, call 911 or reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE or text START to 88788.

How to Not Let Stress Affect Your Relationship This Week

There are many things going on in your life that can cause you stress. But here is something you can do to help your relationship this week: Identify what is stressing you out and let your partner know how it's affecting you. Then ask them what you can do to make things easier this week.

"We both have a lot going on, and I don't want to add more stress to each other. What can we do this week to make things easier?"