When I realised

I Remember my mom one day brushing through my hair and braiding it, making comments on how I should take better care of it like every average Asian mothers does. “You should put this oil on your hair every 3 days!” Or “You need to brush your hair daily, it massages your scalp.” I sat their, trying to hold my chuckles, covering my mouth with my hands. She continued to brush my hair and make these comments.

It was a chilly night of full moon. We were sitting in the balcony, which faced the east, being abled to see the moon clearly. In the cool, soft breezes of the air, the moon looked full and brighter than ever. The moon’s light was enough to light up the whole balcony.

Suddenly, she went quiet. She still continued to brush my hair, but she didn’t utter a single word. After a brief moment of an awkward yet at the same time meaningful silence, she spoke once again, “What is bordering you?” Being confused, I asked, “What do you mean?”

“I can see, there is something bordering you. You are not yourself. I can see it in your eyes, there is something is keeping you away from being happy.”

I replied, “I’m fine! Nothing is bordering me at all. I don’t see where you think there is something bordering me?”

I was confused, why did she say that? I’m just like how I usually am, happy, cheerful, and full of life. I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary.

“Your laughs, smile, energy is not the same anymore. Your smiles hold this deep pain that you are trying to hide. And it is almost unnoticeable. Your laughs had become quieter, as in, sometimes you force a chuckle or laugh to keep the pain away. Your energy… it feels so dull… not the joyful, full of excitement, colourful energy you used to have. There is something, that is deep and painful that’s been bothering you. I can see, you tried to ignore it to the point you made yourself believe that you are fine, but you are not.”

Hearing my mothers words, left me speechless. I took a moment to think, was it really true? Was there actually something bordering me? That’s when I realised, all this time I’ve been hiding something deep in my heart. All this time, I had been telling myself, “it’s okay, there is nothing bordering me. It’s just me being sensitive. It’s okay, it’s okay.” I had made myself completely believe in my own lie that I had been telling myself so much that at some point I couldn’t even understand my own feelings. Sometimes, I would question myself, “Why am I so sad? I feel so uneasy. I feel quite tired.”

My mother’s words finally made me realise, that this lie I had been telling myself, is not real. It’s coping mechanism that I developed just to give myself a peace of mind. Finally, I took the moment to think about what’s bordering me instead of ignoring it and pushing my feelings away. There was a lot. So much things that I buried deep in my heart that even I couldn’t dig it back out until now. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t easy to accept the pain that I had being trying to ignore. But it felt better. For the first time, I took the time, to make myself the priority, to not be so obsessed with making others happy, to thing about those negative comments I tried to ignore.

I gave my mother a genuine smile. It felt like I smiled after so long. And I realised, even if you hide the pain from the whole world, even from yourself, you can never hide anything from your mother. She will see the most slightest change in you that even you can’t notice.