What makes me, me

Well , the first thing that I should tell you about me is that I'm in love. Completely and utterly head over heels. And it's awesome.

I'm in my thirties, work a steady but unspectacular job and write when I get the time.

The event that happened to show who I truly am happened earlier this year. It was a Tuesday afternoon, I'd come in for the late shift at my shop, and was due to be at work until 8pm, when it closed. The guy on the early shift was due to leave at 4pm, and we were not busy. The day was unfolding in a normal fashion until my phone went off at 3pm. It was time. 3 days late but now all systems were go. I'd had a system in place for this eventuality but as there was no of knowing exactly this would happen the details could not be confirmed until it happened. My plans relied heavily on the flexibility and goodwill of my team.

So now the mad rush was on, and the preparation meant nothing. The immediate issue was getting out of the shop. The company I work for has shops all over the country, but the "town" I live in (the "" is intentional, this place this tiny.) is 20 miles from the nearest other place and other shops. The guy on the early shift had already been there since eight that morning, and even in full panic I don't like to put my staff through a full day without any other option, so I told him to go home. There was another member of staff, but they lived in the aforementioned city miles away, and to be honest, I knew that I could not rely on them. That left the only person that lives in the same town as the shop beyond myself. He was my backup for this eventuality.

In a twist not worthy of the most obvious of films, he messages me that morning, tells me he was planning on going away with his family, and he definitely wouldn't be needed today, would he?

Well it's his day off. I can't exactly tell him what he can and can't do with his own time, so when I call him, he's 2 hours away, if he set off back straight away. Again, wouldn't ask that of anyone, so, looking for a new plan.

Hail Mary, but I start calling other shops, see if anyone can make the long trip out here for what at this point would only be 3 hours or so anyway. I start to resign myself to the idea that I'm not going to be able to get away, on this the most important of days. I contact my fiancee, distraught, but she tells me it's not the end of the world and she will hold on until I can get out of this shop, even if that is at 8pm.

Then, a stroke of luck, the Hail Mary lands and I receive a call from another manager at about half past five, someone is going to drive out the near 20 miles to relieve me for the close down of the shop so I can rush off. It is going to take them at least an hour to get there, but that gives me time to sort out the next problem. As you can never really tell when this is going to happen I had to do an awful lot last minute. I sorted the shop rota for the next 2 weeks, and wrote up the expectations.

My relief arrived, and then I was able to get out. Ironically, we now had to make the same reverse journey to get to our destination. Once we got there, there was a room all ready for us. It was lovely, it had soft lighting, a huge bathtub and plenty of seating. They came to check on us every so often, but after a couple of hours it wasn't happening, so they sent us home. If there was no change overnight we were to go back the next day.

Neither of us slept much that night. The morning had brought no real change, but just the feeling that the arrival was imminent, so we headed back. When we returned, the room we were assigned was certainly not as well appointed, nor as comfortable. The next few hours passed in a mish-mash of being moved from place to place, some of which I was not allowed to attend, so I took a turn around the city and grabbed some lunch.

I returned at maybe 2pm, and as nothing had changed they decided to move things along. I'm not going to go into details, but what followed was quite simply the worst 14 hours of my entire life. I thought it was bad before, but imagine if you will, watching the person you love most going through pain over and over. You know that there is a reward at the end, but it's torture. She managed to sleep some, a few scattered minutes here and there. By 3am I was so tired I could barely stand. I pulled a bean bag into a corner and collapsed into it.

I woke 15 minutes later, my partner was awake again and calling for me. They kept coming in and checking on us, but it just wasn't happening. Drastic measures are going to have to be taken, this requires more fiddling about, and then I'm taken away to get changed. I'm sat on a stool in the corner as experts swarmed around, and I try to stay out of the way.

At 5:24am on Thursday 17th June 2021 my daughter was born. After she was weighed and cleaned up she was passed to me, and I sat on my little stool as my partner was being attended to and looked at this tiny human being in my arms. At this point I had slept for only 4 hours in the last 44, but my life felt complete.

I've been lucky in life to have some great friends and wonderful family, but love? I owe my fiancee more than I can possibly hope to explain. She took me from one of the lowest points of my life, and with her love and support, along with those people mentioned above, I barely recognise myself, and I certainly wouldn't have the confident to write and post those writings for all to see.

Writing this has made for an introspective experience. Trying to answer the question "What am I?" is no simple task. And whilst there are still plenty of aspects of myself I don't like, I've got to give myself props for the things I'm good at.

I'm a leader who always looks out for his team, I'm a family member who both supports and accepts support, I'm a gigantic nerd. But most importantly, I'm a dad.