What if the Don't Like Me?

To much time has passed to consider them blood, but not enough time has passed to consider them strangers.

The younger version of me is so excited about this reunion, but the older me, this version of ourself is not that excited and all too much afraid. What if they don't like me?

For my older brother (we will call him Scott), I haven't seen him since I was nine. My sister (we will call her Jean), saw me last in 2011 when I was 17. I have another brother who is the oldest of us all and he saw me a year later, when I was just shy of 18. In case you missed it, or this is your first read by me, I'm 30 now. Which means there's been a good 12-21 years of life I've not lived in the presence of my siblings. Now that my mother is gone, it feels like I'm eligible to be in their lives.

The younger me, the little Dani was fun and bubbly and naive. Laughed a lot, pranked a lot and sure loved the hell out of them. Then they were gone. They don't know the adult I've grown into. I don't like me at this stage, and I don't expect them too either, but what if... they just decide I'm really not worth it? "Who care" well, I do. I can't say that the adult me would be surprised because I'm not, but the little me would be devastated.

2006 - 18 year ago.

Playing uno around the kitchen table with my siblings and their friends, I toot and pass gas to make them laugh, to distract them while I hid my uno cards in my shorts. I always forget to shout UNO, which makes me pick up cards. Eventually being caught because now there are less cards on the table and a lot just magically on the floor. Still, the crows busts up in laughter every time.

Being body slammed into the couch, doing back flips off my brother's leg, punching people in the crotch because I don't know that family jewels are important, but I think it's hilarious.

Being woken up in the middle of the night for funny business, pranks on mom, and to spy on Santa... These are all the things the filled me with joy.

I was about six, seven years old when everyone left for bootcamp. No one returned. I got letters in the mail from them, telling me to behalf, and mind my manners. Do what mom says, and respect her because she's my mother. This led to a lot of conflicting feelings. She was an awful person, and even worse of a mother. I wanted to rebel and run away but I was conflicted. The people I trusted were asking me to be submissive. Regardless of how I felt.

When I had no one, I became no one. I had to reshape myself and become someone brand new. The crazy part is I still have no idea who I am outside of being a mom.

I'm probably overthinking the heck out of this, but after sitting with myself and conversating with my mental board of directors (which is essentially just five year old me, 13 year old me, 20 year old me, and me now), we've come to the consensus that five year old me rules us all and if she hurts WE ALL HURT and if they break her heart, what will become of us? She's not healed, which means none of us are.

My brother Scott, when contact was first initiated a year ago, he apologized for abandoning me. While I did hold a butt ton of resentment, and agony over him leaving me behind, I never blamed him directly, but his apology opened a door inside me that I never knew existed. My sister hasn't exactly apologized, or mentioned it, so I'm treading water there with what its going to be like between us. Will I just flood the gates with tears and go on a rampage, or will I be back in the submissive child state of mind and bend? I don't know.

I don't know what this reunion between blood will be like.