Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

Marriage counseling. Couples therapy. Why is that so hard for some people to do? You'd think that if a marriage is having problems that both parties would do everything needed to fix it, including either one of the two previously mentioned. I had brought it up for a while now and the answer was always no. "Why are we going to have a stranger help us fix our marriage?" or "I don't feel comfortable telling a stranger our problems." I exhausted all other options but still saw no permanent result.

At one point, a few months before I found out about the affair he suggested marriage counseling through our church. I appreciated the initiative but once going to the 2 or 3 sessions, I truly felt like he was not present, mentally. As if he was only there just to say "See, I did it." But only later did I find out he was already well into the affair at that point, so was the marriage counseling just a formality? I don't know.

About a few days after our initial conversation when I asked for the separation, I was ready to try to put in the work and start healing our marriage. However, only if we could go to marriage counseling through a therapist. He said no, of course, but also just apologized repeatedly and said he didn't know what to do. That was his answer for weeks. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to do." I was honestly disappointed. That's all you have to say? Not an "I am so sorry how can we fix this? I love you and I want to make this right." Nope. And like a fool, I waited for it but it never came.

A little around a month later after taking our son to get a haircut and to get some lunch he says he thinks it's best we get a divorce. There was some fluffy speech before that, like the whole I'm sorry you deserve the best kind of bull, but nonetheless ended with the word divorce. I teared up, he teared up, and then we proceeded with our day. I was still numb from the transgressions that had already transpired with no remorse from him that by the time he said he wanted a divorce I don't think it really clicked in my head. I think it hit later on that night and the days following. Which is why I specifically remember this song by Alicia Keys playing on repeat in my playlist I named Broken.

I lived in this bubble of no one knowing about how my married life was in flames besides him, a handful of trusted people, and myself. I wasn't ready to face the world, my world, and see their looks of sadness and pain. Because it wasn't just me that he was hurting, it was everyone else around me who had opened their hearts to him too. I wasn't ready for the reaction of the ones who were going to be angry at him or the ones who were going to tell me what I should and should not do. For a moment, I was in my protective bubble and I felt safe. I began my long journey toward healing. Trying to, at least.

Eventually the time came to tell those around us that we were separated and heading to divorce. I remember he told me that he let his family know and my heart sank. Little by little some of his family messaged me words of love and comfort. Some asked why and what happened. I realized that for the first time I didn't have to be loyal to him. I was so used to saying things to protect how others would perceive him but I didn't have to now. I made it clear to tell the truth whenever someone would ask what happened. I don't know what was his narrative when it came to telling others but I definitely was not going to withhold any truth for the sake of his image.

It was all becoming more of a reality and that is when I knew that I had to start thinking of ways to tell my parents. I struggled with that because I didn't know how to. I felt embarrassed and on edge about telling them. I didn't want them to see me in such pain and I didn't want to see theirs, but I had to. My time in my safe bubble was coming to an end. My mom was hurt because she truly saw him as a son. She was disappointed to say the least, because she always had rooted for us, for him. My dad was hurt for me. There were things my dad didn't appreciate that happened while I was with my ex and deep down my dad knew his son-in-law wasn't being faithful. I just hated that he was right because I would always brush off the hints my dad tried to give me. Regardless of how either of them felt, I was immediately supported with their love and reassurance. I couldn't have asked of more from them. They didn't have to open their home for me to live with them again, but they did.

Now it's all out there, in the open. Exposed and vulnerable. So where do we go from here?