Trial and Error

My mother in her later years was definitely the boss. When my sister and I were younger my mother seemed to avoid conflict. When she married her second husband she adapted to a new situation. He seemed to thrive on conflict. To avoid being an emotionally abused wife, she learned to stand up for herself. In later years of their marriage, the two of them would get into many prolonged arguments. She also started to become bossier. She controlled the total running of the house. If she didn't like his outfit when they were going out together, he would have to change. Years of therapy and attempted conversations had not changed his demeanor. But her becoming more assertive seemed to make him more content and less abusive.

This did not teach me to argue with a significant other in order to earn their respect. If a man does not already respect you, you should not marry him, or date him.

I learned this through trial and error myself. I realize that the worse it gets the harder you keep trying. You keep thinking you are doing something wrong. After living through negative relationships and seeing my parents in action, I realize that it is not worth working that hard for. I definitely deserve better. If I have to totally change my personality in order to make it tolerable, it is not worth it.

From observing my mother I learned that a woman can do it on her own. Before her second marriage and after the death of her first husband my mother raised two young girls.

"I am woman hear me roar". She managed to buy a house, take us on vacations all on her salary. We felt like we were living in the upper class. The vegetable and meat markets. No canned vegetables. She had very smart money management. I still admire this about her, and yes she did teach me that you can have the best if you plan your money right. She had help from friends, but then she helped them out as well.

She taught me the loyalty of a good friend. Good friends are worth staying in contact with through the years. A concept that is not in vogue these days. How can you work at a place and not make any real friends? Yet people seem shocked when you stay in contact with them. And when you offer to help someone clean their house for no charge, they seem double shocked. In my mother's world that is just what friends do. She helped her friends and they helped her.

She also taught us to respect other cultures. To accept that our way is not necessarily the right way. It was an adventure to eat foods from different nations. We tried looking at events from the natives' perspective, not influenced by American values and priorities.

All human beings have value and something they can contribute. She most likely learned this through her teaching. A millionaire does not have more to offer than a panhandler ( playing his guitar for money). I know I still believe this. I worked at a center for developmentally disabled adults for about eight years. I taught the dance class, and I had many talented dancers and actors. No, they did not memorize long dialogs. The more I believed in them the better they did. We made one pretty complex dance video and did yearly performances. And no we did not spend the whole year planning and practicing the performance. They had time to play and experiment with the art. Each person has their own unique skills and talents. My mother also found this in teaching having faith in your students produces their faith in themselves.

My mother had talents which she did not pursue. She would often make up fiction tales for her students. They loved them, yet she would never write the stories down and get them published. Every few years I would give her a writing kit. Even when she retired she never seemed to have the time. I have learned from her as I prioritize my life. Find time to pursue the activities which bring me peace.